A walk in my shoes

Stop! Look at that mess behind you!

2012-02-13T09:25:00.000-08:00

I'm back after some absence, as usual. No, there is no exam coming up to spur this inspiration :P

So, here I will again wasting another hour or so writing about what is going on in my mind. Enjoy...

Looking at time passed, I realised that I have changed (duh!). But change for the better or worse is another matter. In the long run, I shall change yet again for life is forever changing and that is the norm of things. Trying to stay the same is defying nature itself and in itself unnatural.

I hope what have transpired and what will transpire throughout however brief or long will be worth every pain, suffering, tear, and sadness.

As most of you who actually read my blog know, medical school is tough. Not just the studying, the grueling hours you spend at the table, understanding, memorizing, being quizzed in class and the amount of things you have to do as practical skills, but also the terrifying realization as you progress further in your education, that you may not be a good doctor. The amount of knowledge that you hold has to be arranged, sifted through and categorised to even make sense and all that have to be done quickly in order to diagnose and treat your future patient. It is a daunting realisation, that in a year or so, my batch and I, and even my ex-schoolmates will be joining the real world of doctors, life and death. And for those who have done practicals seriously, we have seen patients die, literally, die in front of us or hear about a patient that we just clerked pass away the next day. What medical school does is that it either makes you or breaks you before the real world. It is a taste of what is to come... just the tip of the iceberg.

It has made me think twice about my decision to be a doctor. I am scared. I have seen death already, thank God, not due to my mistakes in treatment/management. But still every death you meet, it does something to you. Am I ready for this? I only have 1 1/2 years left as a med student, and then it'll be me who patients seek advice from, or expect treatment from. No more the world of books and theories, of blundering and laughing about it. It will be the world of responsibility and seriousness.

So how do I fair in this? I know I cannot turn back, and neither would I even if the opportunity presented itself. The weight of all this kinda changes someone. You start to mature, bear responsibility and learn to see the seriousness in things you do. You start thinking more and more about the future. Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? How far do you want to go? How are you going to get where you want to go? More questions than answers.

Yes, leave everything in the hands of God, but even as you leave it in God's hands, you still have to sketch out a rough plan as a guide and not go blundering in the darkness.

As a Chinese medical student, you see and hear of your friends moving with their lives. This one you went to school with is getting married. That one is already married and expecting a child. This one already gave birth to her first daughter and you start seeing pictures of the little girl growing. That one is steady with a guy/engaged and has a job. This one graduated and is looking for a job. Everyone's moving on since you were in 3rd year of med school, others are starting adulthood. You're still a student, still single/just getting serious. Mum and dad still paying for tuition fees, your daily expanses, etc. And I say Chinese because I hear a lot of Malay seniors getting married, etc so not counted :P I say med student because we have one of the longest courses.

It makes you think, when will it be my turn to move on? To get on with adulthood and shed the title of 'student'? Again, all in God's time. And yes, I can't agree more but that doesn't remove that annoying feeling of being rotating in the same circle over and over again.

Home... the definition of home is different for everyone. Home, for me is where my family is. But being away from home for almost 6 years and only seeing home for 2 months a year kinda takes away the feeling of home from me. I go home for the summer. I love spending time with my dad and my mum. I love the small little familiarity of the house I grew up in, the language spoken around me, the faces I see, the smell of the air I breathe, and the taste of the food I eat. Yes, I enjoy all that, and yes they are still somewhat familiar to me. But somehow, being so far away, being exposed to so many different cultures, so many different ideas, and having made decisions and having dreams that take you even further form home makes being home feel somewhat dry, distant and empty. Yes, I'm excited the first few weeks, then the feeling of 'I'd-rather-be-somewhere-else' sinks in. I am no longer used to the weather in Malaysia, I am no longer used to the politics (actually, I dislike it even more), I am tired of looking and being looked at according to my ethnicity in my own country.

Can you imagine the feeling of having been on such an adventure, or being given a taste of something different and delicious and then having to go back to your old life or eating the old food again? You've seen another world! And your old world seems confining, as though you can't spread your wings. As though you are a foreigner yourself. Things change, perspective change, dreams change, tastes change. I have changed. I want a new world, a new surrounding.

Home will always be where my parents are, yes. I owe everything to my parents. I love them unconditionally. I respect them. But that will be the home of my past. My parents will remain where they are, and so will every memory I have of my childhood and my early adulthood, but I want to find a place where I do not sigh every hour, wishing I was somewhere else. Where that is, I still don't know. Maybe I'll stay in Malaysia if I find something or someone to anchor me there, but if not, then the whole world is open to me.

Love changes everyone. That's a proven fact. The magnitude of the change differs from individual to individual. Some change ever so slightly, while others change completely. Being able to love someone, brings out something new in you. You laugh and you cry. Your heart sings out with radiant joy and it cries the most heartbreaking song you'll ever feel. It unlocks a completely new box of emotions that no other experience can. And when it ends, it hurts more than anything, but as all things, it either breaks you or makes you stronger. I have loved and I have lost. But after all those tears and painful moments of laments and flashbacks, you start to heal. Sure, the pain will never completely go away, even physical wounds leave marks, but you learn to live with it. The hurt is no longer painful, but rather becomes somewhat a fond spot. There was the time you fell in love for the first time. There was the time you first kissed a boy. There was the first time you shared part of your life with another person. That was the time you changed.

Every love leaves a mark on you. Every love changes you. Love changed me in tremendous ways.

I questioned faith many times, but I found no answer. I asked one profound question many times, but got no satisfying answer. When you do not understand or cannot accept the foundation of your religion, then the religion becomes nothing but garments. Something superficial. Your preaching becomes empty and meaningless. Faith evaporates. I can always opt to not believe in any one religion, I'm sure many would be more comfortable with that than the decision I already made. But having believed in a God for my whole life, being an atheist seems somehow a way straight to the fires of hell and it makes life seems pointless. Not what I look forward to. I needed a religion, I needed a guide and I found what I was looking for.

I never asked why you chose your religion, I never questioned anyone's religious choice, not even my own family, because I simply believe that faith is personal, and religion is a choice. Whether someone understand my or your religious choice doesn't matter because the one standing in front of God when all this ends is you and only you. I cannot answer God that I chose Christianity because my mother made me or that I was born a Christian. That's like saying I didn't eat dinner because my mother didn't cook dinner. You are able bodied, functioning brain in your skull, there are eggs in the fridge, rice in the container, a stove, rice-cooker, pan, oil, plates. Everything is there for you to make dinner yourself but you choose not to eat instead. The argument doesn't stand. So, is the argument prior to the example. You are judged for your own decisions and the capabilities of you making that decision. I can't say that in my defense to God. Why? Because, is my mother me? Is my salvation up to my mother? Is my soul hers to sell? No!

No one is born into one religion. Even Christians don't believe one is born a Christian. Muslims believe once you are born you are a Muslim, fine. Belief system varies. I give you that. But to actually BE a part of a religion is to actually practice, understand, and like what you're doing. If religion is a burden to you, then maybe you haven't found it or just don't understand it. Friends can influence your decision, so can your surrounding, but ultimately it is still your choice. Your reasons are yours and my reasons are mine.

I shall defend my choice when I face Allah on judgement day. If it so happens that Islam is the wrong religion, then at least I have only myself to blame. At one point in life, you have to realise that you have to make your own decisions. They are never pleasant, but if you made them yourself, you'll be able to live with them even if they turn out to be completely wrong. God is going to ask why did you commit that sin. You can't put the blame on others. You can say because my friends were doing it. Because my boyfriend/parents/friends made me do it. God's just gonna say 'I didn't ask you who made you do it or what others did, I'm asking why YOU chose to commit this particular sin' What would your answer be when God asks, why have you not chosen my religion? My teachings? My commandments?

Imagine your friend telling you to buy a pair of shoes that she says looks good on you and you buying those same shoes because you yourself are sure they look good on you. Then it turns out they don't look that nice. It'll be easier looking at those shoes and saying 'what made me buy them?' 'oh yea, I like that bow at the end' 'well, at least I thought they looked nice' INSTEAD OF 'damn that woman! I shouldn't have listened to her! Now I'm RM50 short! and I didn't even like them!'

Or your parents making you study medicine and you wanting to do medicine yourself. You'll actually get through all those tough periods that accompanies every medical student better than if your parents made you study something you don't want to. Why? Cuz this is how your monologue will go 'Shit! this is hard. Shouldn't have picked this. Now what? Can't turn back, might as well suck it up, bitch about it and work harder. Shit shit shit, Crap!' then you come out the other end, holding a diploma with a grin that splits your face into two, proud and confident.

INSTEAD OF: 'Shit! this is hard! I hate medicine! This is not what I want to do! I hate daddy for forcing this on me! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I wanna quit NOW!' then you either do quit or you come out the other end, holding a diploma, smiling, and then hating your job as a doctor.

Which is better? Regretting a decision because it was your own bad choice or because someone influenced it on you? Living with a decision you made yourself or a decision someone forced on you?

2011... trials and tribulation, and sweet sweet success!

2012-01-03T00:20:00.001-08:00

Alright alright alright

It's the first morning since the holidays started (30/12/11) that I didn't wake up feeling crappy, pissed off, or in total depression. Hence to commemorate this special morning (actually noon already) I have decided to look back on 2011. Better mood equals seeing silver lining's in shit better, right? lol

2011 was, well, what can I say... eventful. Every sort of emotions filled the 365 days. 2011 started with tears, I have to admit. It was difficult for me. It was a painful, painful night, filled with tears and a piercing pain through my heart. Needless to say, I didn't welcome in the year with cheers and happy wishes. :P

But it did get better as the year progressed. Winter semester was easy since there was only one exam to prepare for. So it was chilled in terms of academics and when exam was over, it was a erm... interesting 9 days of practicals. I was placed with a junior doctor who could speak not a single word of English, specifically placed with him because my other two colleagues who were with me that day did not have a good grasp of Russian. So, the surgeon in charge assigned them to an English-speaking surgeon while I got the other one... sigh...

Needless to say, I hated my days with my surgeon... not only due to the fact that he couldn't speak English much less teach me anything, but also the fact that he's a junior surgeon which means that he has no authority to allow me to do any procedures since HE'S the one who's supposed to LEARN them procedures AND also that the department I was dumped at is specialised in laparoscopic surgery. :(((((((((

So, after suffering 3 days with him, I ran away to the thoracic surgical department. Literally, I ran away. I didn't even tell him anything, I just up and went. hehe... There at least, there ware surgeons who bothered to teach me a few things, AND the patients were more interesting. I tell you, I am sick of clerking patients with pancreatitis, gastritis and most of all, cholecystitis. At least in the thoracic surgical department it's a variety of things. :D BUT surgical rotation being surgical rotation, is pretty boring since all you do is clerk patients, read case reports, read textbooks and of course slip into the OR and watch whatever operation is going on without or with very little knowledge of what the surgeon is doing, or what the hell is that organ he's holding! lol!!!

So from time to time, I ran away to the neurology therapeutic department... where I manage to stick needles into patients, practice how to actually prepare injections and IV drops for patients (it's tricky opening those ampules without cutting yourself!!! and trying to work as fast as the nurses which the ratio was like this; me:nurses 1:5 -_-! )

So my 9 days of practicals involved me moving from department to department when I deem there is nothing for me to do in a particular department. hehe... yes, my review was a mishmash of comments. From, hardworking, enthusiastic and quick to learn to goes missing, absent and show no interest, depending on who gave the comments to my supervisor. :P but all in all, the only thing my supervisor said was that I shouldn't treat the hospital like it's my home, free to roam about.

The after practicals was the crazy trip to Egypt which is still fresh in my mind and a nagging presence. I had fun there. I discovered new things. I learned new things. I haggled, bargained, and SHOPPED!!! I ate new food. I met new people. I had more fruits there than I ever had in Malaysia!!! lol. But since my trip was interrupted by the Egyptian uprising, it remains a nagging presence, tugging and pulling me to go back and finish my tour. But that shall have to wait till Egypt can resolve itself.

2nd semester started ok-ish. Nothing that interesting happened, nothing tragic happened. I was more focused on my studies, and hence my results were better.

Then came the semester end where we were all like bees with our nest rattled. Oh dear Lord, it was adrenaline rushing :D

Internal med exam was new to all of us as now it wasn't just cases and questions in a room, but also clerking patient, diagnosis, proposing treatment regimen and of course physical examination. I had to go through 2 different patients before settling on the 3rd patient. 1st patient was discharged. 2nd patient was partially deaf that I had to shout my questions and I could barely hear his answers. I was near to tears by then. But my 3rd patient was great. An old granny with hypertention and very willing to cooperate. :D

Then it was time to fly home. This year was the first year I have done anything attachment or practicals back home. So, nearly 4 weeks of going to SGH, meeting new people, clerking patients, and meeting doctors/surgeons. It was AMAZING depending on the department :P This is where I found my love for obstetrics. hahaha... now, who know's which specialty I'll dive into!!!

5th year started with peadiatrics, the toughest cycle. But I made it through, then onto other things like cardiology, ophthalmology (an exam which I proudly aced!), psychiatry (which I still have absolutely no interest in), epidemiology (er... no comment here), infectious disease (OMG!!!), TB and a few which I'm sure I forgot (lol!) All in all, things were never dull with my education as I learned new things, and had a roller-coaster ride stemming from studies, relationships, and this blasted country.

2011 also was a turning point in my life in terms of religion and faith. Who know's what caused all the changes, but I am content with my decision and as always, every decision has it's consequences, will have to deal with them soon.

2011 is also a year where finally, I've gotten a pet. I've been wanting to get a pet since 1st year but never really got to it for many excuses, ranging to laziness to it'll-probably-die-if-I'm-its-owner. But alas, I got a cute, furry, playful, kitty which manages somehow to simultaneously invoke anger, annoyance, laughter and affection all at the same time.

So 2011, thank you for teaching me to mature, and adieu as all things must come to pass.

2012, welcome and please be nice to me. I know it'll be tough times ahead, I can see the pain and tears already but still, try being nice to me! 2012, here I come (3 days in already!)

2012... we're still alive!!!!

2012-01-02T14:07:00.000-08:00

Whasup whasup whasup!!!! lol

New Years is here... er... yea... 3 days ago but still, it's a new year. 2012!!!!

well so far, good news to mankind. Apparently 2012 ain't the end of the world!!! But there IS still 363 days left in the year... so... ... ...

Flying away from thoughts of abomination, I have been on a movie marathon since 31/12/11. haha... lets just say I didn't celebrate New Years this time. Saw no way of celebrating it. Eating out now is getting expensive, partying is no longer my thing, and most of my friends either don't celebrate it or celebrating with there special someone. aheeemmm!!!!

So movie marathon. lol I truly think I deserved the marathon since I have been SOOOO utterly good for the semester where I have barely watched movies or series for long periods of time. Of course there is the occasional series or 1/3 of a movie while eating dinner but all of them have been completely deemed over-watched. :D

What up for the New Year? resolutions? new heart throbs? new hobby? new pet??!!! hehehe

None of those. I'm just gonna go through this year a day at a time. A freaking day at a time. This year will be a hard one for me. Challenges and changes await me at the horizon. So, I'm takin my oh sweet time getting there... preferably avoiding it all together if possible... where possibility is like what... 0.1%??

Challenge no 1 that's staring me right in the face now is trying not to turn my cat into dinner. She is adorable and cute but at times, she annoys me to no end. I sometime find myself thinking of ways to cook her... scary, I know... don't serial killers start with cats and move on to bigger kill? Yea, freaking me out.

I haven't had a formal violin lesson since the one in Sept. I'm too lazy to find a new teacher and get use to him/her but my former/current teacher is now charging 400rub compared to the 250rub previously. So... my dilemma is very apparent. And of course 5th year ain't exactly chilled out, so not so much time to indulge myself with the violin. I found out 4days ago that I can at least still tune it! lol

Holiday plans holiday plans... still scatchy at the moment. No comment there

What about semester exams? huhu... I have TB cycle exam coming very very soon followed closely by peads exam and 3 days later by epidemiology exam (yes... I have epid exam of all things) TB cycle is interesting though a little nerve racking. Every cough I hear now just brings the vision of MTB flying out seeking their next victim. Seriously... I am terrified of getting TB. Why? Cause it'll probably set me back 1 year from graduating from this blasted country. Russians don't take TB lightly. They are DEAD serious about TB. Ironically, I have 2 family members with TB... you'd think the probability of me having TB is already high and there's no need to increase that probability, but here I am in a specialised TB hospital... interacting with patients. Peachy!!!!

I am NOT getting a CXR until I graduate if I can help it. HELL TO THE NO!!! I'd rather be ignorant about a TB diagnosis than being forced to take a year leave.

That's all for my rant today. I shall close with an inspired er... poem? tuneless lyrics? I dunno. But it came to me, I was inspired and it rings a note true to my heart

I can never say what I want, because I can never find the right words,

I can never tell you how I feel because when I look at you, I am lost for words,

I can never tell you how you made me cry, because I do not want you to feel bad,

I can never tell you how much I care for you, because I'm afraid it'll mean too much.

My emotions are in a box, bounded by the boundaries you have placed

Boundaries, when crossed will either cause heartache or pure happiness

My heart is in a box, enclosed by fear,

Fear, when faced will set me free either into despair or pure delight

My heart reaches out to you, do you realise it?

My emotions screams for release and revelation to you, do you feel them?

I want to tell you everything, I want you to feel my very being,

But all I can reveal now, are delicate tendrils of emotions and soft whispers of my heart...

dum ba dum ba di da dum... ^o^

2011-10-26T06:33:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have been absent. Not that long.. rite? Just 3 months... which is actually not long :D

The reason of my totally long absence is not due to the fact that I had nothing to blog about (on the absolute contrary actually) and it is definitely NOT due to lack of time (psh!!! have been procrastinating all these time to fool about) but it is due to the fact that I don't see a point in blogging about what went on with my life.

Blogging has always been a way for me to express my opinions and pretend that someone actually reads them and understands them, or just an outlet for frustrations and other emotionally crap coursing through this hormone-filled body of mine :D

What changed? Many things. Found a new outlet...

So, what's been going on in the twisted, forever winding mind of mine lately?

Oh, lets list them down.

1. internal mental/spiritual/emotional battle raging through my poor soul. How should I describe it... hmmm.... seen Lord of The Rings? That final battle where the good guys nearly lost but didn't? All initial fire and courage? Then the despair but unfaltering will? And of course the wonderful feeling of victory at the end? How grand was that battle!!!! Wow... yea.. imagine ALL that raging in your tiny little soul/brain/heart. muahahahahahaha. yea yea yea, I know, am a drama queen. But ya'll get the idea rite?

so yea, was wondering to and fro like a lost soul trying to find a way through to the other side. hahaha... ok, not the best of illustrations (forgive me). Tuda, suda, tuda, suda, tuda, suda. Xochu, ne xochu, xochu, ne xochu (there, here, there, here. Want, dun want, want, dun want) EISH!!!!!!!!! finally, coincidentally, unconsciously, pop!! I made my decision. I even surprised myself with the realisation of the decision. hahahaha.

Yes, I have made my decision, no turning back, living my life as I see it now. Total and complete change, yes, but a gradual one. But, I am still the same me. Still sarcastic as ever, still a drama queen, and still very much willing to tease whenever I find the opportunity!!!! ngenge. My past is till part of me and to some degree still reluctant to part with it :P

Accept me for who I am. I change when I decide to. I change what I decide to. How I view you will most probably still be the same (midget will forever be midget my bff to the day I am laid to rest under sweet, green grass OoO; atam will always be 'nenek' to me till my bones turn to dust; Azli will still be amu (pak cik) till my memory leaves me (hopefully due to death and not due to me going senile); mi will always be mummy, di will always be daddy, cheche will always be that girl I used to share a room with, and koko... well, koko will always be the brother I argue with :P)

So... *drumroll*

Name: Souhayla Eugenie Mah Eu San

Sex: Female

Race: Chinese (but unfortunately can't speak fluent Mandarin!!!!! hehehehehe)

Religion: Islam

*midget, don't faint. Pleeeeeeeeeaaasssssseeeeeeee dun be mad!!!!! (pleading look, with puppy dog eyes shining with abundant hope!!!!) bwahahahahahahaha (ok... illustration destroyed by the out-burst of laughter)

er... where was I? oh yea...

2. Got myself a kitty... the cutest little thing (ok, it ain't so little anymore... rather big for its age now) and rather... dull. She just has one colour... and a rather dull colour at that... beige. Well, can't do anything bout it unless I wanna dye her pink!!! huhuhuhu

She's a cutie pie with a personally that somehow resembles mine but not as... er... accentuated. I love playing with her when I feel like it but at times, she really becomes annoying. Compared to a certain cat I knew, she's MUCH better. huhuhu... regardless of the mischief she comes up with when I'm not in, I still love my kitty (ok... I seriously DO NOT wanna end up like those old spinster with 5 kittens as companions. HELL TO THE NO!!!)

Aqish... mummy loves you! Muah!!

kitty: nyahaha!!! the bed is MINE!!! ALL MINE!!!!! *purr*purr*

yoga: curly fries style

3. I am currently on the low-profile category. hahahaha

What happened? OMG!!! What happened to fun, out-going me? lol... I'm still the same, just no longer with people I'm not close with. Most of my foreign friends have graduated. So, I'm left with a few close ones, and the rest of my batch-mates and a pitiful scatterings of juniors to mingle with. All the same. Much better this way. I can disappear and appear as I want and people won't think 2 seconds about it. Calmness... ... ... AMEN!!!!

4. Alcohol, diet, short skirts, hair styles, fashion CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

heh... who knew it would be SO easy to give up alcohol (yes, there is a slight hint of sarcasm there, but just a slight one) Do I miss those days of vodka, cocktails, wine? Not really. I do think about cocktails (blue Hawaiian, Long island especially) from time to time, but the thought goes as quickly as it came.

Pork!!!! hahaha this one is not difficult at all. Since coming to Russia, I only bought pork like 5 times. Dunno why, but no urge I suppose. What I find difficult is to actually be attentive to what I'm eating. All these times, I have just bought whatever I wanted to eat... but now... kinda have to read the ingredients before I order and unfortunately I still forget the moment I make the order... sigh... oh well... try and try and try and try... Zzzzzzzz

Fashion. hah. This one is a bit strange. Hijab, jilbab, abayah, hand socks seem to me are just another form of fashion. Not hard to just pick it up and go with it! Liking it actually. Though at times, those many, many short skirts, sexy dresses of mine still call my name (oh shit!!! psychosis!!! midget!!! inanimate objects are talking to me!!!!) LOL and I still do wear them... ... ... at home. hehehe The plus in this is, now I look HOT wherever I am; be it in my room or on the streets (definition of hot changes according to location! bwahahaha)

4. yes, the shrieking banshee is back again.

Seems like those 2 months back home has gotten me out of practice with my violin. Now, it has made me a stranger to the extension of my soul... :( wah... so poetic!!! lol

while I try to regain that lost intimacy with my violin, unfortunately I have to say that my neighbours from all sides, have to bare with the annoying shrieks of my violin. hehe On the up side, I rarely do practice... which will mean the shrieking will continue longer... hmmm... what a difficult conundrum.... oh well!!

I don't think there's a number 5 on my list. I think I'll stop here. If I continue, the atmosphere will start to change and a cloud will shroud my mood. huhu

Bidding adieu... ... ...

Adieu!! lol

Cold war 2011 declared!!

2011-07-25T05:53:00.000-07:00

First of all, I'd like to congratulate myself for actually finishing my Obstetrics practicals with utmost enthusiasm, drive and without missing even one day... of which the latter is the best achievement amongst the 3 listed!

*applause for me!!!!*

What have I learned in Obstetrics? Er... a lot.

1. All the practical skills a HO would need to begin his/her obstetrics rotation.

2. Confidence in myself that studying actually does work!! *who knew*

3. I never want to see another vagina until my obstetrics rotation as a HO (God willing)

4. MO's, junior specialists and specialists in Obstetrics department are SCARY!!! no, seriously, they can scare the hell out of Satan himself!!!

With goodbyes and wishes of good luck, I bid the HO's of the labour ward adieu. I have grown comfortable in that ward and was rather sad to leave Dr. Romi, Dr. Joshua, Dr. Joe, Dr. Joven and Dr. Ramzie who have all helped me obtain whatever missing knowledge I have in Obstetrics, giving me the opportunity to learn and practice, and of course giving encouragement and making me feel comfortable in the department. *Notice all the mentioned Drs are male? peculiar thing*

Thus, with a heavy heart, I left the department for a new one. Medical.

How was medical? Er... difficult to say. They were SO many HO's that I didn't even know where to begin! Thank goodness the HOD was nice enough to attach me to a junior specialist, Dr. Loh. She's a small doctor and a nice one. hehe

How was my first day in medical? HOT!!!! I was so used to the air-conditioned labour ward that when I stood still, yes, stood STILL in medical ward, I was sweating!! Oh, the horror!! Guess the state's not rich enough to fully air-condition the whole hospital... sad...

However, I think I might have lost the enthusiasm I started with in obstetrics. I'm getting tired of having to wake up at 0530 every day from Monday to Saturday and sleeping by 2200. =.=!

But, 2 more weeks and I can say goodbye to my summer practicals.

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For the past 3 days now, I have been in a rather pissed off mood. I very annoyed at my mum. Not only that she didn't get the clues that I really wanted her to stop putting my self esteem down, which I'm sure she didn't do it on purpose (at least that's what I tell myself) but enough is enough. It took me hardwork and a long time to build my self esteem, only to have in shattered in a record time of less than 5 minutes. Amazing how mothers can ruin their own kids so easily!!!

Stemming from that confrontation which ultimately ended up with me snapping at her and locking myself in my room as I cried to no end, the cold war of 2011 has started.

Some communication was established today evening but apparently, it wasn't to last and negotiations are all off the table.

Strategy? Oh, return to my gloomy, quiet, brooding-self of the time where I felt like shit and oh-so-totally-depressed which was pretty much my teenage self. If silence is going to keep the superficial peace in the house, then so be it. Silence it is.

I can live in the silence, considering I have never shared much with my mother. My father noticed the signs of my withdrawal from the family... it's actually very obvious =P I simply just withdraw into my books. Currently, I'm reading minimum 200 pages a day. Amazing how much one can read when one doesn't talk.

I rather pity my dad though. Although I have not withdrawn from my dad (never did, never will) it's unavoidable that there are two gloomy, dark clouds in the house now (my brother and I). Ah... so much for an enjoyable summer holiday.

To further tarnish the holiday, I have met yet again with another death. Somehow I have a feeling that I will see death with every year I spend in the hospital, however short my presence in the hospital. Last year was a child of 1. This year was an infant of 10h.

Poor little thing. Her heart wasn't good. Doctor's tried everything, but she was just too small. By the time the doctors gave up, the mother had already withdrew inside from depression. With no other family members to contact, the child was alone. Since the ward was still busy with the other 11 labouring mothers, the child was left alone. I held her close till she departed. She was rather calm throughout. She just fell asleep.

Life and death... inevitable.

I am gonna look sizzling HOT tonite!!!!

2011-07-18T02:33:00.001-07:00

Time to PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!

It's time to crank up the music, time to throw aside the slacks and formal shirt, time to hike up that skirt up the knee, put makeup, do your hair, shake that God-given booty of yours and DANCE!!! oh, a glass of cocktail or your chosen alcohol would also be recommended. :D

Time to let your hair down and let loose.

Time to let the wild side out of the closet!!!

Time to CELEBRATE, and celebrate HARD!!!!

hehehehehe....

Why am I so hyped up? What the celebration?

Well for one, I have just been acknowledge not by the MO but instead, much higher up the obstetric food chain, by the SPECIALIST!!! yes, you heard me, the specialist, who is also the HOD!!!!

and the win goes to.... .... .... ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

lol... not only did I outdid all the other med students there for practicals, but I also outdid the HO!!!

Man... knowledge is seriously power. It's exhilarating when you get the answer right. Eh, all those hours nearly trying to kill myself studying actually paid off. Who knew!!! I'm totally surprised!!

But of course, this win is a slightly one-sided win considering the fact that I just did my obstetrics rotation this year, ergo, what I've learn is still more or less intact in this brain of mine. On the other hand, the HO have been going through several rotations and have other things to worry about, so...

heheh...

but still... :D (if I keep grinning, my face is gonna split!)

So yes, this calls for a celebration... but obviously I'm not going clubbing, drinking alcohol, or getting all dressed up. Instead, I'm going to dress down

????!!!!

No, I don't mean anything dirty!!! hhhhhhhhhhhh but hey, you never know right? lol...

No, dress down as in getting into my nightgown, pop a nice movie, drink some warm milk, and sleep :) Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............. best reward to any med student. And besides, my feet need the rest. I think I have walked in total a distance of 5km or more today.

I pray for you, I see a simple man, I long for a family, I hope for stability, I dream of happiness, I believe in God

2011-07-17T06:40:00.000-07:00

I see a future, I see a dream, I see hope, I see faith...
I see myself

I dream of happiness, I dream of success, I dream of heaven...
I dream of God

I pray for love, I pray for faithfulness, I pray for family...
I pray for you

I long for warmth, I long for trust, I long for tenderness...
I long for you

I hope for forgiveness, I hope for renewal, I hope for salvation...
I hope for God

I believe in inspiration , I believe in dreams, I believe in prayers, I believe in aspiration, I believe in hope...
I believe in myself

It's one of those days where you just wonder about the future, about the 'what ifs' about the possibilities.

A scenario plays in your mind. In mine, a few takes form; each taking turns on the centre stage.

1. A rainy, lazy evening
It rains, it's cold, but cuddled warmly on the chair near the window.
The glass is stained with the patterns of raindrops, the air smells of fresh, wet grass
Can you imagine the smell? Can you imagine the temperature? Can you imagine to mood? Can you imagine the feel?
In my hands, is an open book. Next to the chair is a cup of tea; lavender.
Nothing like reading, sipping tea on a rainy, lazy evening

2. Spiritual calm
Just the silence and calmness that always accompanies a spiritual practice.
Be it kneeling in prayer, be it bowing your head to Mecca, or just plain meditation.
Ahh... you are one with everything around you, connected to God

3. A warm embrace
Sitting with nothing particular in mind, in the arms of the man you love.
The warmth, the calm, the scent...

For someone in those situation, the feel is more or less the same. A sense of calmness, of peace of mind, of warmth.

For someone looking in, one feeling stands out the most; a sense of longing. How great if I could feel like that!

I pray not for wealth, but instead, I pray for you

I see not the universe, but instead, I see a simple man

I long not for the world, but instead, I long for a family

I hope not to reach and touch the stars, but instead, I hope for stability

I dream not of the extraordinaire, but instead, I dream of happiness

I believe not in chance, but instead, I believe in God

Horrible, annoying, horrendous, appalling flight ever!!!

2011-07-11T01:16:00.000-07:00

Journey home was painfully, maddeningly horrible!

Ok... so on a late notice, my mum bought my ticket home for me... domestic flight from KL to Kuching. Normally, I would be on the MAS flight... but as stated before, late notice. So my mum, in an attempt (and boy, did she succeed) to save money, she booked a AirAsia flight.

I have vowed NEVER to use AirAsia again since my first experience on it. But, I thought that maybe things would be different. Idiot!!!

It was HELL!!! Ok, not hell per se but it was horrendously horrible.

My seat, 30D was the second last row and while using the toilet, the guys occupying seats E and F took their place. Maybe the education system is MUCH worse than I previously assumed. Why? Because apparently, these two guys couldn't read the seats assigned to them which was clearly written on their bloody ticket. One guy sat at my seat, while the other occupying the window seat had the audacity to actually TAKE my book and started READING it!! Excuse ME!!! Who in Heaven and Hell and who in the name of all that is Holy gave you the bloody permission to take and start reading someone's book??!!!

And to add to the already flaming fires of my overly sour, disgruntled mood, was the idiot of a guy was occupying my place on the damn plane. I ever so nicely tapped his shoulder and pointed out that he was sitting on my seat. Guess what the SOB said.

'Yeke? Ni plane bapak kitak ka?'

WTF??!!! !@#$%^&*

Oh, I would have LOVED to say what was running through my mind at that moment!! And trust me, it wouldn't have been nice! This is how it played out in my head...

SOB!!! No the plane doesn't belong to my father, nor does it belong to you or your father!!! But as it so happen to be at this moment, this particular seat, 30D is MINE!!! Since MY mother paid for this bloody seat, so I can and damn well WILL seat my arse on this bloody seat!! So move the hell over!! And YOU asshole, get your greasy, filthy hands of my book!! Who the bloody hell gave you permission to touch it, much less read it?!

But in reality, it played out like this:

Oh, I'm sorry, but my ticket states that I am seated at 30D, which is the seat you currently occupy (of course, said in the MOST condescending way one could imagine!)

Needless to say, he had no option but to move.

To add to an already hatred airline experience, the family sitting at the aisle next to me had a kid of about age 2 or so... she was bloody crying her lungs out!!! If I could, I'd extract those lungs of hers out myself and put them back when we arrived at the airport!!!

Bloody hell!! Why bring a kid that young on board? I've meet kids younger than that or about that age who are better behaved than this little devil. M'sian kids are seriously ANNOYING!!!

Oh, dear mummy forgot that her daughter exceeds the normal height of most Malaysians when she bought the AirAsia ticket. I was CRAMPED up in that seat!! My legs were against the seat in front of me and I couldn't move into any other position. So I sat in the same position for 1 hour 45 bloody minutes.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW PAINFUL IT IS TO SIT IN ONE POSITION FOR THAT LONG??!!!!!

Never again... NEVER AGAIN!!! If I can help it, NEVER AGAIN AirAsia. God!!!

Liar liar pants on fire!!!!!!

2011-06-18T05:09:00.000-07:00

This is the apparently obligatory pre-exam post, since I apparently have the urge to write before an exam.

When's my exam? Er... Monday :)

Why am I so free? Well, I'm not actually, but as the exam date gets closer I find it VERY difficult to concentrate. Every little thing distracts me. I'm like a kid with ADD (ok, shouldn't make jokes bout that)

Am I prepared for my exam? Er... not so sure on that. I THINK I'm prepared, but I feel SUPER scared. It is after all internal medicine... the basic of all med student... you don't know internal, you don't know shit!!!!

What's the inspiration for today? Just something someone said to me and something someone did to me. Cryptic, I know.

Lies. The world is filled with it. Everyone lies. NO exception. You, me, your spouse, your bf/gf, your parents, your siblings, your best friends, the random people you meet in everyday life.

As Dr House always says, EVERYBODY lies!!!

For what reasons so we lie? Oh, the list is LONG!!! But here's a main reasons:

1. to get ourselves out of trouble

2. to pretend to be someone we are not

3. just being mean

4. trying to save someone from being hurt

5. etc, etc, etc, etc

Whatever the reason (and trust me, there always is a reason) a lie is still a lie.

Now, I'm not saying that lying is always wrong. I tell little white lies to spare someone's feelings, unless there is NO way I can make myself lie or that the consequence of the lie will be WAY worse than the truth.

Eg: A close friend comes out dressed in a horrible dress

Q: How do I look?

A: HORRIBLE!!!!

explanation: I won't be the only one thinking that dress is horrible, especially if it IS horrible, if I don't say it, someone might say it and then she'll get pissed of at ME that I lied to her in the first place. So, save all the trouble, just say it as it is.

Q: I think my bf is cheating on me. Do you know anything?

A: (assuming I do) Yes, he is. (Then start consoling the poor girl)

Explanation: One of two things will happen here.

1. He is cheating and I know it, and I told her. She gets hurt. I console her the best I can.

2. He is cheating and I know it, and I DON'T tell her, spin some lie and she feels comforted. Feelings spared... for about few hours. Sooner, or later, she's gonna find out, and I'll be in deep shit (not as deep as the bf anyways)

Point being? In most cases, telling the truth would be much easier. Why? Because when you start lying, it can only get you so far. The the matter WILL come up again (mark my words they will) and then you have to conjure up ANOTHER lie... the cycle begins. Lie upon lie upon lie, till you either make a mistake and everything unravels, or the person you lied to suddenly finds out the truth. Either ways, you loose.

But of course if you still do want to lie, than my advice would be do a better job at it. If you lie good enough, and cover up all your tracts, chances are, you lies remain undiscovered.

How to be a better liar? Here are some tips!!

1. Make sure you CAN lie... some people just can't lie. If you're one of them, just go clean.

2. Cover your basis. When you wanna lie, think about the before, during and after the part of the 'event' you want to lie about. What were you doing before, during and after that event. Make sure you have an excuse for everything!!!

3. Leave no evidence of your lies. If you say you weren't home, then make sure even your shoes aren't home. If you say you're sleeping, then make sure you don't have a guest in your room (that just blows EVERYTHING). If you say your computers down, then make sure no one related to the person you're lying to have seen you online!

4. Think of all other possibilities that the person you're lying to may think of that you are lying, and have an excuse for it (a believable excuse!)

Q: You weren't home? But all your shoes were there...

A: Oh, I bought a new pair. Wanna see them? (and make sure you actually do have a new pair)

Point being... lying takes LOTS of time and energy. So, unless you're REALLY free and energetic by all means lie away. But most lies do come unraveled sooner or later. The longer the lies are, the more hurtful it is.

So, if you are a person who cannot lie properly, or can't lie at all, then just don't bother with it. Just tell the truth. Being lied to badly is much more hurtful than hearing the truth. And besides, the one thing that might save you when telling the blunt truth is... ironically, the fact that you actually told the truth. Why? Cuz no matter that you did, the horrible thing that you did that drove you to want to lie, if you are just honest, it is easier for the other person to understand and not over-react.

Your honesty has a certain amount of trust and respect in it. The other person (if he/she believes what came out of your mouth to be the truth) might actually respect you enough to hear your explanation and think more calmly as to why you did what you did.

So, honesty is the best policy when it comes to something important. Those little white lies you tell each other has to depend on the situation, time and reason.

Difficult to explain, I know. But if you yourself have been lied to by someone you trust, and on top of that, lied to BADLY, then you know how much it hurts. If it hurts you, then why hurt others with your own lies? Karma is a bitch. What goes around, comes around.

Tell the truth, or be a better liar. That's all I'm saying.

Is there a Doctor on the Plane??!!!! BEEEEEEEPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-06-11T06:46:00.000-07:00

SOOOO!!!!!!

I wonder when my course on medical legal will start. Or if I'll ever learn it before I start my medical practice! Or am I to pick it up in the process of my medical practice?

Guess the logical option would be before!!

Anyways, I'm a medical student studying overseas. So, this means that I fly international at least twice a year and domestic at least twice a year. Thankfully, there was never once where the intercom on the plane goes announcing 'Is there a doctor on board!'

BUT, but, if it were to happen what would I do? What would YOU do?

Of course I have a very good excuse to just remain in my seat and ignore the whole situation and even possible continue the journey and my life guilt free, as though nothing happened. Why? Cause I'm a freakin medical STUDENT!!! Highlight on the S.T.U.D.E.N.T!!

I have minimum if absolutely NO practical experience, and honestly, what can I really do? I can barely put a diagnosis without having done labs or having a lengthy conversation with the patient. And all those under calm, care free environment.

Think you have experience working in hospitals, old folks homes, small rural clinics? Sure, you might, I might, but all those were done under supervision and under calm, care free environment, with every basic equipment at my disposal. But on an airplane?

Reasons why I should come forward? eh... lets see....

1. No one else is stepping forward. Not even OTHER med students. Then, wouldn't I be the patients only good chance of some glimmer of possibility to survive compared to non-medically educated airline attendants or passengers?

2. Even if I have absolutely no practical experience, NONE what so ever, can't even measure a BP (which is absolutely impossible!) at least I have the theory down. I mean, at bad as a student is in classes and practicals, I'm SURE the student can DESCRIBE a patient.

3. I WILL be connected to a medical personnel or a doctor on the ground, so all I have to do is describe the patient and do as instructed. Easy.

Can a lay person say : central cyanosis with left tracheal deviation and left hyper-resonant lung?

Can a lay person measure BP, pulse rate, auscultate, percuss, and palpate and describe the results? Don't think so.

If I can describe these to the doctor, at least the doctor can formulate SOME diagnosis even if I can't and instruct me on what to do.

4. From what I've read of Doctors who experienced on-board medical calls, they all say one thing. Most require basic ABCDE step. Anything more than that, even a trained doctor require medical assistance. I'm sure all you med students know the ABCDE step... if not here's a refreshment!

A : Airway. Check if the patient is breathing of if there is anything obstructing the airways. If there is obstruction, then try to remove is if possible, if not, then perform cricothyrotomy (er... you might wanna get clearance from the doc online before performing this)

How to check airway? Look! If there is cyanosis then is damn well that there is obstruction or at least something that causes the patient to receive insufficient O2

Listen for:

Gurgles (fluid or secretion in the mouth or upper airways)

Snoring (displaced tongue partially obstructing the pharynx)

Inspiratory stridor (partial upper airway obstruction - foreign body or laryngeal oedema)

Crowing (laryngeal spasm)

Expiratory wheeze (BA, COPD)

Feel for air movement by placing your hand over the patients nose and mouth to check if he's breathing!

What should you do? Remove obstruction, lateral position of patient, admin of O2, and in extreme cases, cricothyrotomy (if you have clearance and able to perform this) can all ease the patient breathing. In case of BA, bronchodilators... (I'm sure SOMEONE on board has an inhaler... or at least the first aid has one or epi)

B : Breathing

Observe the patient for use of accessory muscles, forced posture, sweating, pallor/cyanosis, anxiousness, symmetrical movement of the chest

Count resp rate (12 - 20/min)

What to do? If airway not obstructed, then sit the patient up, admin O2. In case of BA, bronchodilators.

C: Circulation

Observe for pallor/cyanosis, anxiety, assess level of consciousness (Alert, responds to Vocal stimuly, response to Pain stimuli, Unresponsive), assessment of capillary refill time (prolonged indicate circulatory shock)

Feel for skin temperature, pulse rate, rhythm and amplitude

Check BP

What to do? This is more complicated. Usually basic procedure is O2 admin and trying to calm the patient. Then, follow as instructed by the doctor online!

D : Disability (neuro-exam)

Assess level of consciousness!

Then ask patient or attendant or passenger next to the patient for possible causes of altered consciousness (alcohol, drugs, hypoglycaemia)

If possible, check glucose level using glucometry (check first aid kit or ask other passengers if any one has one... I'm sure SOMEONE is diabetic on the flight!!!)

Check pupils for size, symmetry, and light reflex

What to do? Place on lateral position, admin of O2 and glucose accordingly.

E : Exposure

If necessary, patient should be undress to ease assessment.

If patient is hypothermic, then warp in blankets

I'm speaking as a medical student, not a doctor (since I'm not one yet). As long as any med student remembers all these, the patient should be fine. Why do I say should?

1. Because as a med student, my skills in both practice, experience and theory are limited. All I can do is assist the doctor online.

2. If the condition is worse (say MI, cerebral stroke, haemorrhage) even if I was highly trained and highly experienced, I don't have equipment to try and save the patients life. As a med student, the most I can do is CPR, even then the risk runs high that something goes wrong (CPR is only 5 - 15% effective even in the hands of a doctor)

3. Most cases of on-board medical emergencies are usually due to dehydration, panic attacks, exhaustion. Rarely would there be severe cases and if there are, patients themselves would have their meds at hand.

So, I do not pray that the intercom goes announcing for a doctor on board to come forth, which I'm on the plane, but if it does, and no one else steps up, then I guess the patient only has me to rely on. Unqualified, inexperienced, and unprepared. But better than someone without medical knowledge.

Besides, as future doctors and doctors, as soon as we stepped into med school, we kinda have the obligation to do what we can for those in need.

Which brings us to the next topic of discussion.

Will I get sued??!!! I mean, if everything goes fine, oh good. Everyone goes on normally. But what if the patient don't make it? Or in the course of treatment, something happens? Will I be brought to court?

Good Samaritan laws are laws or acts protecting those who choose to serve and tend to others who are injured or ill. They are intended to reduce bystanders' hesitation to assist, for fear of being sued or prosecuted for unintentional injury or wrongful death.

Such laws generally do not apply to medical professionals' or career emergency responders' ON-THE-JOB conduct, but some extend protection to professional rescuers when they are acting in a voluntary capacity.

Good Samaritan laws differ from country and jurisdiction.

So, as a med student, I can relatively say that I'm safe from a law suit. If anything happens, it'll be the doctor online who's gonna be liable.

But when already a doctor, I would definitely hesitate, even a little.

Conclusion? Nothing. Everything discussed here is arbitrary. To help or to just stand watching depends on the individual.

Jerusalem: nothing... and everything; worthless... and priceless

2011-06-05T04:40:00.001-07:00

So, I've been inactive since Feb... that's a long time... heheh...

I was deprived of anything interesting to write, as well as time and mood. But here I am once again, nearing exams (this coming wed) and suddenly inspired to write (talk about BAD timing for inspiration!). But nevertheless, enjoy... ... ...

Jerusalem...

Yerushalayim...

Al-Quds/Urshalim...

The Holy City... ... ...

The centre of all Abrahamic religion.

It was the Jews. It was conquered by Muslims. It was taken by Christians briefly before returning to the Muslims. And now... now stolen by the Zionists Israelites.

A city that have seen many bloodshed, wouldn't be wrong to even say the bloodiest city in the world. For all that religion taught us, Jerusalem reflects the best, the most beautiful events in all Abrahamic religion but also the ugliest side of religion.

According to the Holy Books of all 3 religion; the Torah, the Holy Bible, and the Holy Quran - the Israelites were the chosen people, the chosen race. They were specifically chosen by God to be His people, to walk the earth in His name, to live on earth in His commandments. In this particular race, God chose a selected few from each passing time to preach His words and works. From Adam till Jesus, God has sent his prophets and even to the extent of coming down Himself in the form of man, as the Son of God, according to Holy Scriptures to redeem humankind. All from this lineage of people. The Israelites. Until one day, God said enough was enough. He has given prophets after prophets but the Israelites were too stubborn to listen and obey. He turned to another tribe. The line of Ismail. One last prophet (according to Islam); Muhammad s.a.w

Adam was banished to live on earth with Eve for the sins they have committed in Eden. Adam was to work the land for food and shelter. Eve for her sin, was punished to painful labour, a price all women still have to pay despite belief. The story of Cain and Abel, whose blood cried out from the ground for justice which God had delivered onto Cain.

The descendants of Abraham, as many as the stars spread throughout the land, as promised by God. The story of Isaac (Ishaq) and Ishmael (Ismail), the two sons of Abraham, one led to the continuation of Christianity, while the other, to the continuation of Islam.

The famous story of Moses and his staff, freeing the Israelites from slavery and bringing them out of Egypt to the promise land but was lost due to their own stubbornness, resulting in a 40 generation of landless wondering.

One by one, God has sent His prophets to right our wrongs, to bring divine enlightenment to the Israelites, the Chosen race, but again and again they have slaughtered His messengers. All seemed bleak for the Israelites. Even from the day of Adam and Eve, humankind seemed doomed. But God had a plan. One day, there will come a savior, the last God will send to redeem humankind, to pave a way to salvation. Hope still lives...

For Jews, they still await their messenger, though for non Jewish believers, they were too blind to even see all those sent by God, all those whom they have slaughtered due to pride. But let me not judge as I myself do not know much about the Jewish faith.

For Christians, the last of prophets came and went. Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Savior. Born of divide birth to a virgin, a son of a humble carpenter, baptised in the Jordan river by John the Baptist, and sacrificed himself on the cross for the sins of his people. For Christians, He is the road to salvation. He is the road to Heaven.

For Muslims, the last of prophets came and went. Muhammad s.a.w, a merchant from a respected family, humble, honest, kind, and a servant of God. All the glories of Islam, started with this one simple man.

The power of Almighty God, reflected in all Abrahamic religion. One God. 3 religions.

ONE CITY : Jerusalem

Jerusalem started with King David, a Jewish king. Temple mount was believed by Jews to be the place where God gathered the dust from which He created man. The first temple was built here by his Son, King Solomon. When David won the war, he wanted to build a temple to worship God, but as his hands were tainted with blood, he was not allowed to do so. Thus, it fell to his son, Solomon to build the Temple. The first temple was destroyed by the Babylonians. The second was build but destroyed by the Roman Empire. Now what is left is the Western wall, at which Jewish pilgrims come to pray.

Temple mount, to Muslims is referred to as al-haram al-qudsi ash-sharif (Noble Sanctuary) upon which the al-Aqsar Mosque was build. Al-haram ash-sharif was believed to be the place where Muhammad made his night journey to heaven and before Muslims prayed in the direction of Kaabah in Mecca, it served as the first Qibla.

Depending on which faith you believe, referring this particular peace of rock/area as Temple mount or al-haram ash-sharif, inevitably states which side you are on.

Jerusalem is where Christ was tried, crucified, buried and resurrected. Upon the place called in the Holy Scriptures as Golgotha, a church was erected; Church of the Holy Sepulchre.

From Jews, it fell to the Muslims, then the Christians, then back to the Muslims and lastly to the Zionist Israelites.

This city, which has no important resources, no oil, no precious stones, no gold, no plantation, no proper water supply; a city that would have either remained unimportant, small and simple, unnoticed by anyone if not for its religious significance.

Because of God, people from all over the world, from all branches of the Abrahamic religion flock to do pilgrimage, to find God.

I wonder how Jerusalem will look like. I wonder how it will feel like. There is a different feeling when entering a holy place. Even a simple place of worship such as a church or a mosque has a different feel once you've entered. A feel of something sacred, a sense of holiness. Now imagine steeping into a city, filled with the history of not just one religion but three!

When I was in Egypt, it felt wonderful, spiritually. It was not the same as in Malaysia, though of course I could still hear the azan call. Maybe it's because the percentage of non-muslims in Malaysia is rather big or maybe its that certain disdain I have for most things Malay (not Muslim... Malay... whole different meaning). But in Egypt where I do not associate Islam with Malay, I could feel the difference and it felt nice. I'll probably feel the same thing if I walked into Vatican city. But it will be at a whole new level if I stepped foot into Jerusalem.

What is Jerusalem worth? Simple but meaningful answer (and imagine... from a movie :P)

Nothing... ... ... and everything

In my opinion and how I understand it; nothing in the sense Jerusalem is just a city, built of rocks and stone, here on earth it's value amounts to just that - rocks and stones, buildings and soil with plants. But although it has little or no value on earth, it means everything in a spiritual sense as seen from this point of view, Jerusalem is a city build of the history of God's love for us, God's work, and in a mundane sense, a link to God.

A place that can gather people form every corner of the world under one God. That's the power Jerusalem has. That is what Jerusalem has that drives men crazy over the centuries. Seeking God, faith, forgiveness, can drive a man to do many things. To build beautiful buildings of worship, to do the most merciful, kind acts, to live life in God's commandments; but also to kill and destroy.

At the end of the day, Jerusalem is but a city. Is it worth to kill another human being over a city even if it is under the name of God? Is it worth all the pain and suffering of a war?

Yes and no, depending on the individual. I have never believed that one should commit something atrocious in the name of God. For if one commits murder in the name of God, how would the person differ from one who commits murder for any other reason? Is the act not an offence and slander to God?

To take up arms in the name of God, depends on the individual's conscience. My conscience tells me that it is wrong to take a life even in the name of God because how would I know it is God speaking to me? Under the call of the crusades and Jihad (in the case of Jerusalem) it was issued by the Pope and the Muslim leaders. Unless a prophet says right to my face or God speaks to me and says that I have to kill for Him, then by all means, I will. But anything short of that, my conscience says it's murder.

Jerusalem... one can see oneself, one's religion reflected in it's history, and in its walls.

It is a mirror for pilgrims to look into and contemplate their own life on earth and beyond.

It is a library for pilgrims to learn the history of their religion and its coexistence with other religions.

It is the centre of forgiveness, faith and spirituality for which pilgrims should seek when within its walls

Jerusalem holds treasures beyond gold and diamonds.

Jerusalem holds a strange link to God, be you a Christian, Muslim or Jew.

Our God, our faith, our history. Part of them lies in Jerusalem.

A shout for freedom and change

2011-02-12T23:51:00.000-08:00

On the spur of the moment, I decided to take a holiday, for once. Where to? Egypt.

I was careless not to have checked up on the condition of the country before buying my ticket. I thought everything was peachy and safe. It is after all once of the most must-see places in the world.

Ironically though, I have kept myself up to date with the events occurring in Tunisia, but somehow missed the part where it had spread to Egypt and other neighbouring countries. How did THAT happen??!!!

Hyped up on excitement, determination and high hopes, I departed Nizhny Novgorod for Moscow. A day before this departure however, Moscow airport was bombed. Now THAT should have been a warning sign to deter me, but somehow, I wasn't worried. Hmmmm....

Despite the many complains I've heard about Egypt air loosing luggages, thankfully, mine met me at Cairo International Airport. Cairo greeted me with open arms. The air smelled a little like Malaysia, the whether, much more agreeable with me than Russia's. The short night spent in Cairo was wonderful. Though by early morning, we were all packed into a bus, and shuttled through long stretches of deserts to Mount Sinai.

I'm sure everyone the story behind Mount Sinai. If this journey was a disappointment in all other aspects, then at least I can say that I have done my pilgrimage to THE Mount Sinai. Like Moses did, I climbed the whole way up, though unlike moses, there was a trail set out for me. It was THE most challenging thing I have ever done, physically anyways. Every time I felt like my strength was about to give way, I said God's name. I praised that He was the most high. And thankfully I made it to the top.

Sunrise on Mount Sinai would have been much more appreciated if it weren't for the cold icy wind that blew as though trying to shove everyone off the mountain tops. Even in my Russian winter jacket and a warm sweater underneath that jacket, I was still freezing. But nonetheless, it was an experience I would never trade away.

Our paradise holiday in Egypt ended with our departure from Mount Sinai. I was wondering why our driver which we called Amu, which means uncle in Arabic, was driving like a mad man. Later I learned that we were the last vehicle to pass through the Suez canal as curfew was imposed on all major areas in Egypt.

This was no longer the Cairo I saw 3 days prior. Cairo was now under emergency lock down. Tanks were placed along the roads, armed military soldiers guarded road blocks and even civilians were armed as well. I was of course tense as this was the first time I've seen a gun up close and a loaded tank THIS close to me but somehow I wasn't exactly afraid that I'd be harmed. Maybe it's because I'm a foreigner or maybe it's because I believe that God would protect me.

Either ways, due to the curfew and state of emergency, we were placed in the Malaysian embassy and remained there till our departure from Egypt. Getting to the Malaysian embassy was no easy feat. We had to pass through many self-made roadblocks, each time stating that we were Malaysians in order to be let through and not attacked. It was scary.

Civilians have armed themselves not to attack the army or each other or to cause any chaos. They picked up arms to protect themselves and their homes. Each street entrance was blocked by them to ensure that whoever passed through those barricade, were not members of organised crime who have been taking opportunity of the situation to commit crimes and lootings. Thanks to them, our embassies were kept safe :P

Thank God I was no where near any demonstrations. But when I have arrived safely to my hostel, I watched the news online and calls for Mubarak to step down rang loud and clear. I learned during my stay in Egypt that many youths went on protest because they could not find work even though they held degrees as most work went to foreign workers. Of course as I am an outsider, I do not understand the situation clearly. Neither do I know clearly about the oppression Mubarak have caused for Egyptians.

But a fight for freedom is always a good thing. Freedom is a human right. It does not need to be earned. It is our birth right. Thus, my prayers go to the people of Egypt.

Now that Hosni Mubarak have stepped down and that none of his family will assume his position as president, where to now, for Egypt? This is but only a first step in the long process of democracy. Parliament takes time to establish, political policies take time to amend and even longer, the change of mentality. The people in power may change and political policies as well, but if the mentality of the people in power do not change, then all those who gave up their lives for this 'revolution' would have been a lost cause.

It is no easy feat what Egyptians are trying to do, but a change is what the people want and need, as they have been demonstrating that for almost 18 days of protest. Elections should be held but in time. I pray that it will be a fair election and that whoever the people of Egypt vote for as president, may he/she be able to shoulder the responsibility fairly and put personal ambition aside while putting Egyptian's needs first.

Tunisia has started a change in the political world of the middle east. Algeria, Jordan and Egypt have followed in Tunisia's step. There is hope for freedom if there is one person who would fight for it.

I survived 365 days, roughly 50 weeks, 1 year in one piece with my sanity intact!! Hallelujah!!!

2011-01-01T06:50:00.000-08:00

2010 started out rough. A failed exam marked the beginning of my educational part of 2010, but my ride improved from it. I passed with excellence after the do-or-die exam. LOL :P

2010 taught me many different things. Some I like, some I disliked.

27/02/10 marked my 2010 birthday celebration. Though it had started in tears, it ended up with tons of laughter and smiles.

Me turning 22!!!!

After a long awaited winter, spring semester started with the return of a very close and dear friend, Chipo. We celebrated with by dining out in a Sushi restaurant, which so far, still serves the best Sushi in town, in my opinion.

The first Malaysian night to be held in Spring and the first M'sian night where I decided to attend it looking STUNNING!!! The dress was thanks to Chipo for helping me shop for it, and the hair do was thanks to Fatma for the 3 hours spent. Thank you BOTH!!!!

Kak Ieja and I

Princess of a day

With the warmer winds of late spring blowing in, events started rolling. Angie's birthday bash was a busy time. Had to think of a dress to wear and had to perform. A sketch where again, I played the devil and a Micheal Jackson song 'Heal the world' which I NEVER want to hear what more, sing again. It was a busy night that night but it was the starting of many new experiences.

It marked the night I had my first 'summer romance' or to be more correct, 'Spring romance'. LOL. I met him while trying to attend to after party of the birthday bash. Needless to say, alcohol mixed with a few other situations, did not leave a clear mind for judgement. And thus, my 'summer romance' began. New adventures, new experiences, new friends and a whole new language!!

25/06/10 was the first graduation ceremony I have ever attended here. And as promised, it was the graduation of Fatma that I attended :D I was there to perform that now-very-much-disliked 'Heal the world' All in all it was a very hot and boring graduation ceremony. But the walk back with someone was fun. LOL

Summer Romance 2010

Summer 2010 was another eventful summer. This time I managed to spend at least 1 week in KL. Meeting up with Nicole and my BFF, Midget. Had LOTS of catching up with Nicole which was interesting in many ways, and the durian!!!! lol! Thanks Nicole.

Walking the whole street of a forgotten name, but with food stalls left and right where I have indulged in tones of food with Midget. A shattering news was told, and tears were shed during our exploration. I love you Midget for those tears of worry you shed for me and the time you were there when the worry started to grow in ME!!! LOL

And also, being brought to the famous Chilli restaurant. My goodness, it was GOOD!!!!

KLCC after dolling Midget up!! Chili restaurant, here we come!!!!!!

Family time with my aunt's family was time well spent while in KL, though I do feel rather guilty having them drop and pick me up at the KTM station. LOL My aunt indulged me with all the food I wanted. Can't believe I attempted to eat my way through every type of local food in the Shah Alam area. LOL

Met my cousin Ivan and his newly born little sister, Ivanna. They are SO adorable.

Coming home was a refreshing feeling. Mummy and daddy hasn't changed much. The house still smelled and felt the same. Oh, home sweet home.

Went to the movies with my daddy, and no, it was neither embarrassing nor was it lame. I was proud to walk around the shopping mall while waiting for the movie to start with my daddy. Him, dressed in his usual T-shirt and old-man-knee-length shorts, while his daughter, as usual, was well dressed in a skirt and blouse. Two towering human beings roaming around a shopping mall and watching kids do sand painting... truly a father and a daughter no doubt in height and looks. hehe... I remember laughing with daddy about a kid painting a zebra... greed mane, blue stipes, pink body, purple tail, brown hoofs. LOL... kids.

Time spent with mummy was expensive... on her side. SHOPPING!!!!!!!!!!!!! The wonderful things you get when your mummy has a credit card and only able to indulge her daughter once a year. LOL. But as usual, we found very little in the stores due to the odd size of me. Nevertheless, it was a nice time.

My parents had a dim sum craze... which of course I happily encouraged during my stay!!

The usual activity in Kuching, as with all other summer back home. Hanging out with Audrey and Midget when she comes back. But this summer held a surprise for me, Francessca joined in :P

Yep... as you've guessed, dim sum!!!

Contemplation on how to put BOTH pau into the mouth in one shot.

praying that food contamination is minimum... LOL

Educational yr of 2010/2011 started with anticipation. After a 2 month separation, we finally meet again... aheem!!!

Followed by.... Eid!!!!! Hari Raya this yr was nothing different. Reconnected with a friend. Got my single room (finally!) and to top it of, Hari Raya. A wonderful beginning of the academic yr.

The stunning beauties of group 431 A

(Fatimah Othman, Me, Farahani Nabila)

Lost and found

Many ups and downs started from then on. But most of them overcame or at least lived through.

11/12/10 marked the first African Night I attended during all my years here. It was a blast. But it also marked the memory of the painful end of my 'Summer Romance'

Szee Mei, Mew Har, Mwadjuma, Me, Aisha

25/12/10 was an exception to the norm. Christmas for me have always been a quiet one. But this time, it was celebrated with new friends and a cheerful-photo-crazed groupmate. We hit the new Sushi bar and then the city square to mark our Christmas of 2010 in Nizhny Novgorod.

My photo-crazed groupmate, Szee Mei looking like a Chinese beauty

in this wonderful photograph my yours truly

YAM SENG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(we didn't shout it out... would have been thrown out of the restaurant)

31/12/10... the ending of my 2010. What have I learned? A lot. I've survived microbiology, internal medicine, general surgery, pathological anatomy (phew!), pathological physiology and pharmacology. While I have lost a few friendship along the way, due to irreconcilable differences or physical separation, I have made many new ones. I have experienced the talked-about 'summer love/romance' my most Americans (though mine was in Russia) and have experienced its loss. I have learned ways of compromising with people due to difference in culture, language, and opinions, while still standing my ground. I have survived another year, marking my 22nd consecutive year on this earth as a living-breathing human being. As hard as it is now and later on, I'll get through the next year as well. I may waver, tears will come, I'll feel like giving up at times, or maybe just run away even, but I will survive. I still have much to do, much to feel, much more to learn and many more people to meet.

New Years Eve was spent with a bunch of crazy doctors from India (Dr Guru Raja Prasaad, Dr Mahesh, Dr Javeed, Dr, Imtiyaz, Dr Pratik), a loud Arabic devil in pink from Spain (Iman Sulaiman) and my photo-crazed groupmate (Szee Mei). Lots of food, good company and a fun though frustrating game of Uno. We ate, we chat, we laughed, they danced, I cried, we wished each other 'Happy new years' and we slept.

SHE'S GETTING HER HANDS IN THE FOOD FOR ONCE!!!!!

Our humble new year feast!

2010... I bid thee adieu, as I start a new chapter in life. You will always be in my memory, and the lessons learnt will be well remembered.

Dr. Guru Raja Prasaad

Dr. Pratik, Wong Szee Mei, Me

Dr. Mahesh, Dr. Imtiyaz, Dr Javeed

A peaceful, calm soul I pray for this 2011 of mine. No more craziness, no more risks, no more procrastinating.

Fat Santa missed the chimney and fell off the roof with a huge fat THUMP!!!

2010-12-26T00:17:00.000-08:00

Post-Christmas Post...

What is the meaning of Christmas? Most people that I see around me, have lost sight of what Christmas really means. Fussing over decorations, celebrations, a Christmas tree, presents, etc. But where is the fussing about attending mass or even the inclination of remembering Christ who was born on Christmas day? Ask a kid these days, and he'll probably remember Santa first then the man who died for him on the cross. I don't understand parents who tell their children about Santa. Lying to children is NEVER a good thing. Why talk about Santa at all? Might as well tell them something more useful than a fat old man dressed in red and white riding on a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer giving present to all good children in the world in ONE night, through a chimney. I doubt I have ever heard of a more absurd story than this.

Thing's are lost in the midst of modern notion of Christmas.

As always, my Christmas has passed rather uneventful, rather quietly. Nothing special, nothing remembered. But at least it was a time between me and my Saviour. Though I decided not to bother with church, I spent my time with God.

Silly enough, I waited for my Christmas miracle, but of course after years of waiting on it and never receiving it, it skipped me again this year. No surprise. But, there's always next year!!! LOL

The remnants of the cookie

2010-12-19T00:44:00.000-08:00

A sudden pang of home sickness...

I'm missing home, a normal thing. But I think the reason isn't so much as missing home in itself, as is because I just want to escape from the weather and the complexities here. Just go back to my simple home with its comfort of familiarity.

Just a short vacation to calm the soul, refresh the mind, and relocate the burning passion for medicine. Something similar to rebooting a computer :P

Since I can't just pack up and go, I'm sorely tempted to just disappear to another city; somewhere calm, warm and with a nice view. Why can't it start snowing sterling pounds?? Lol

I've spent my two days; Friday and Saturday bringing post graduate students from India to some well known places here, which doesn't amount to much actually. LOL. You could say that this is my form of community service. It's fun interacting with them, except when they start speaking Hindi, then I tune everything out. It's fun because unlike the majority of undergraduates here, I actually have a more mature interaction. The talks aren't about useless gossips, etc. Another eye opener.

I'm half way through December. Next week will be Christmas. The week following that will be the new years celebration. Then I'll be saying goodbye to 2010.

Unlike other years, 2010 has taught me many things; people, joys, pains, failures, successes. It has been a rather productive and educative year :D I wonder what the remaining 2 weeks has in store for me. Will 2010 pass quietly as all the other years have or will it pass with a bang, or a surprise?

2 weeks....

Just 2 weeks more to see what will happen.

My first semester is about to end with the approach of mid winter. The toughest part of the academic year is about to come; already waiting at my doorstep, patiently smiling and taunting me.

Spring and Summer will arrive, bringing along their usual spring-summer euphoria and mental sluggishness, summer heat and of course inevitably, summer love. The last reminds me of the musical 'Grease'.

2 weeks remaining for a new chapter.

2 weeks remaining for a new start.

2 weeks remaining for new adventures

Can I pretend that aeroplanes in the night sky like shooting stars... I could use a wish right now

2010-12-12T11:40:00.001-08:00

I've found the closure I was seeking for.

It is a painful one...

A part of me is now missing, and I am in pain.

As usual, my brain is ahead of my heart by several steps...

My brain is the one that moves on, while my heart is the one that lingers, clinging.

But the decision has been made, and judgement has been passed (so dramatic!!!!), and I am resolved in the matter

I've cut the strings off and tied up the loose ends, all but one left

This one last string is for tomorrow to do. Then all evidence are erased except the memories retained. These will have to fade with time.

This one part of the process has been decided. Part two is still left hanging and part 3 is slightly decided.

Through him, I have made new friends, his friends. I have grown comfortable with NONE but one. Sadly it's the friend closest to him and now that things between us have ceased, it's a sad thing that I have to stop being friends. Sounds so childish doesn't it? I don't exactly want to loose that friendship... but maybe it has to be done? After tomorrow, we will be strangers.

The lesson learnt is a bitter one, but it is part and parcel of life. Now I have to decide where to go from here. Back to the person I was before or a new one?

To have always ignored my emotions and keeping people at arm's length, I have never been badly hurt but neither have I been truly happy. What I felt was only those within the normal limits but never the extremes.

While with him, I opened up. I've felt truly happy and of course I've felt true pain as well. They were all new experiences to me and the happiness was wonderful, but at the same time the pain was too much.

Like drugs and alcohol, it felt euphoric until at one point it doesn't anymore.

Samuel Butler once said - It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

In pursuit of happiness one has to put oneself out there, vulnerable to the pain as well. Can the pursue of happiness be done with a bullet proof vest on? Kinda doubt that.

I know that I cannot live alone. I will one day want someone to share my life with. Hence, cocooning myself from being attached to people would make it harder for me to find that someone. But I'm not up for the pain of putting myself out there.

So maybe, going back to the person I was is a better choice?

I know the only constant in life is change itself, and that to remain unchanged or to prevent change is abnormal but most change start with small steps. So taking a leap back to the old me, I'll take baby steps to change... small tiny, microscopic steps. :P

If someone comes knocking, then maybe I'll open up again... who knows.

For now, I've been set free by him.

For now, I've been set free by myself.

I can now spread my wings and take flight.

No fears, no regrets, no tears,

Just the wind under my wings.

I have found my closure in things.

I've asked for a wish, and made the wrong one.

Instead of wishing to erase the memories or turn back time so I never met him,

I should have wished instead for this closure sooner.

Now I can break free.

Winter volleyball!!!

2010-12-03T21:38:00.001-08:00

I'm down with the flu... influenza.... it's been 3 days and yes, I feel much better, with lots of fluids and bed rest.

It's a Saturday morning, it's misty outside, with an estimated temperature of -9C. Had a good nights sleep being sick and tired and woke up to my usual alarm tone.

1 message on my phone. 'Eugenie, volleyball today starts at 10am'

First thought was 'Huh? What Volleyball?'

Then it hits me. I'm suppose to be competing in the Winter Cup and no, it is not as glamorous as it sounds like. Why? Because it is held by our own UMNO and well, it's just between Malaysian students competing amongst each other according to which year we're in.

I have just slightly recovered and I have to brave the -9C for a bus ride to a really far away place. I'm gonna be running about half a court, with no coordination with my other team members, by which I still don't even know who are they, as we have NEVER practiced before. Yes, this is just for fun. No stress on winning or losing. But still...

I'm a competitive person. I'd like to win. hahahaha

We'll see how it goes. I already know my hands are gonna hurt from playing, they're most likely gonna be bruised in the process, but hey, it's not everyday I get to play volleyball during winter. And no, it'll be in a sports hall, so we won't be freezing to death. LOL... in case for those whose wondering if it makes sense playing volleyball outside in the cold.

Lemme get my arse of the chair and into my winter jacket for the cold journey. Wish me luck, wish me health for tomorrow. LOL

Horror of Horrors, Ninth level of medical hell @__@

2010-11-23T11:58:00.000-08:00

I found another horror aside from Internal Medicine.

Neurology.

Neurology makes Internal Medicine seem like child's play. @__@

Imagine trying to learn the whole pyramidal (including UMN and LMN and associated lesions and results of those lesions at all levels) in one whole day.

And then, next class was about extrapyramidal with associated lesions and the results of those lesions.

And tomorrow, OMG, it's CNI-VI (anatomical structures, pathways, and disorders of all 6 cranial nerves included). SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oi.... how these people decide to cram neurology (topical) in just mere 8 days, I have no idea. Maybe these people (administrators) have no inclination what so ever, as to how hard neurology is. Maybe they should try sitting through a class or two for them to understand that trying to fit topical neurology in 8 days is just plain CRAZY!!!! UTTERLY, ABSOLUTELY, 100%, PLAIN MENTAL!!! BONKERS!!!!

How far did I go? eh... made it till CNII before I gave up. Oh, and to top up tomorrow's neurology class, there's a test for pyramidal, extrapyramidal and cerebellar functions and dysfunctions. How wonderful!! Did I mention that my groupmates and I barely understood what our teacher was teaching? Not so much that we didn't understand the sentence that came out from her mouth; the words we understood just the idea behind those words just slipped through our blur cortex.

Neurology... when I pass this course, I'll be doing the jig out of pure relief that I left with my left hand intact, fingers still flexible, and my sanity intact.

Oh, did I mention that winter has already arrived? It arrived officially on Sunday and it had a very dark surprise laying in wait for me. Wasn't prepared for the snow and ice, slipped and fell, landed on my knees, then my elbows, tried to break my fall with my hands but they slipped as well on the ice and tahdaa.... the finite was my chin slamming onto the ice with a jarring intensity that left my jaw rather sore. The result of this sneaky ambush: 4 bruises, 2 cuts under my chin, and a very swollen, sprained ankle. Needless to say I was bleeding and slightly dazed, which explained why I didn't notice the pulsating pain in my ankle and the ability to still walk properly to my hostel and finally my room, only, until which I realise that my ankle was swollen and very painful. Found another use for my packets of frozen vege's that night. They serve wonderfully and a cold pack. hehe.... Of course I couldn't walk the next day, hence I missed one class of neurology (****ing shit), and since I didn't have a bandage to freakin immobilize my ankle, I had to constantly remind myself not to move the poor suffering ankle.

How am I today? Dreading tomorrow for obvious reasons (did I mention I have a test for russian and a huge Russian homework that I haven't even opened up to take a look yet?)... YEA... ... ...

I'm still in pain, ankle is fine, I'm able to walk but my arms and legs are still painful from the intensity of my fall. Oh God... may my teacher have selective blindness tomorrow that she doesn't see me in class, or that she has temporary amnesia everytime she thinks of asking me questions. LOL

Madness

2010-11-20T01:33:00.000-08:00

Arrogance, pride and greed.... this is the cause of all strife and suffering in the world.

Although I have disliked and even hated being in Russia, with the mentality that it has given me nothing besides hardship and sadness and of course my education, what I didn't seem to see or at times refused to see is the fact that Russia gave me many life's lessons.

Being here is the only opportunity I have to be surrounded by so many different people. If I were to have chosen to study in Malaysia, I would have been in a community of Malaysians and probably a few foreign students. But here in Russia, even in just one university (NNSMA) it feels like I'm in a miniature world. Being all foreigners here, we can't escape interaction. Arabs from Kuwait, Tunis, Morocco, Jordan, France, etc; Africans from Zimbabwe, Kenya, Jamaica, Nigeria, etc; Multiracial Malaysians bringing in the Chinese, Indian, and Malay culture; Pakistani, Indians (from India), Sri Lankans, Maldivians, a few others from other countries and of course Russians; all placed in one hostel area. The culture is rich, the knowledge abundant, opinions differ by the hundreds, religions being practiced in small to big groups, multiple personalities; all these buzzing around me; left, right and centre.

It would take a mighty hell lot of ignorance to not notice all these things around me. Not to say that I'm a social butterfly, but I have mixed with nearly all these people; some closer while some just a few short encounters, but all have left an impression of some sort. I learned something about their culture, how they view things in life and how they live in a community. They differ greatly but at the same time, one thing still binds them together, though not clearly seen. Religion.

I'm not going to talk about the difference in religion as any idiot already knows the difference. I'm not going to talk about my views on the Abrahamic religions, as I've already stated my views concerning that.

What I'm going to elaborate here is the small yet important similarity in the religions here in my small tiny world, known as the Nizhny Novgorod State Medical Academy.

Buddhism, Christianity (and it's many denominations), Hinduism, Islam, and Judaism are the religions practiced by the students here in NNSMA. Some practice them as clear as the sun on a cloudless sky, some prefer to keep it a personal practice.

All religions, they teach one basic thing; how to be a good human being. So, how do you be a good human being? Do good things (sincerely), love your neighbour, forgive, be polite, do not discriminate, etc. You know the drill.

Why bother with being a good person? It's to glorify God, it's for our own good, to attain entrance to Heaven, to reach Nirvana, etc; each religion has it's own rewards depending on which you believe, but essentially, each religion indicates if not outright declares, that peace and love is essential to a higher power (Buddha, Allah, Yahweh, God).

But even knowing all these, we still fall short of that simple but difficult requirement. We get on our knees and pray, we bow our heads towards Mekkah 5 times daily, we burn joss sticks; we go through the sequence that our religion says we must, but we seem to forget the basic of our individual religion.

Arrogance and pride strips us away from God. Arrogance and pride just breeds hatred and results in wars. How many wars have we read about, all trumpeted in the name of God, but in reality is just the arrogance and pride of mortal humans? The crusades (9 wars in total), French Wars of religion (between RCs and Protestants), Thirty years war which plunged nearly all of Europe into war (between RCs and Protestants), Taiping Rebellion, Israel-Palestine dispute, Al-Qaeda attacks, India-Pakistan war, etc; all done in the name of God.

How many lives wasted just because of arrogance and pride and greed?

Was it worth everything?

Was it worth the bloodshed?

Was it worth the suffering during and after?

Was it worth the financial costs?

Each war is a stain in the history of their individual religion, causing misunderstanding towards the religion itself and from there, discrimination, fear and hatred towards the religion and its practitioners.

God in every religion is all great and powerful. In what sense would He require our guns and bombs to defend Him? He doesn't need to be defended. It is our minds that tell us we need to defend Him, that an insult to Him is an insult to us. If someone insults your religion, the God you worship, it is an insult to you because it is your belief. That makes complete sense. But rational sense stops when you attack or lash out at the person who wronged you. Punishment is not yours to deal out but God's. By attacking or lashing out you overstep your boundary and trespass into God's. If you must defend your belief, then could it not be done in a better way? Does it require picking up arms and taking a persons life? Life that is taught by your own religion to be sacred?

The limitations of war is difficult to define. At which point does attacking is done in defense and at which point it is done out of hatred and spite.

Madness.... this is what plagues the world today. We are of the same design; strip us of the skin and hair and we are all the same. Your blood is red, so is mine. You have a heart that beats, so do I. You have eyes that see, ears that hear, mouth that speaks, and so do I. We differ ever so slightly in the colour of our skin, hair, eyes, facial structure, yet that sets us apart into race and ethnicity. But shouldn't religion bind us together? And shouldn't a common goal (peace) bind religions together, thus binding you and I together?

Alas, it only remains an idealistic desire.

So long as there is greed, arrogance and pride in us, there will be no peace on Earth.

So long as human beings live, there will be no peace on Earth.

Madness...

The sandman's curse?

2010-11-14T09:01:00.000-08:00

Dreams...

We all need them. We all dream dreams when we sleep. That's when our subconsciousness takes control and reveals to us what it retained from our conscious state, whatever our conscious mind deemed insignificant. The subconsciousness is untraveled and unchartered territory of the human mind. Everything that occurs there is unclear and mysterious to us. But although at one point in time, misunderstood, and even now barely understood, it is still nevertheless still important. As my teacher always says, if it is there, it is important ('it' usually referring to an organ by him, but the concept is general)

I am an insignificant person in the field of psychology (mainly due to the fact that I have a certain disdain towards the field) so why am I touching this unfamiliar territory? Well, I'm not actually. Dreams of these type, I have nothing to say except for the supernatural. Some believe dreams of this sort is a way into the future, a method of divination. How true is this claim, I cannot comment. It depends on the believer. Dreams are also the body's natural way to retain or reveal things the conscious mind missed. Just a physiologic process of the body if there is no other important use for it.

Dreams that we cannot live without are those that drives us in life. The wantings of the human inner mechanism, the human psyche. What life would you live if you had no dreams? Even the simplest things you want is still a dream. But the difficult thing with dreams is the fact that it is easier to conjure a dream than to realise one. To dream magnificent things, magnificent ambitions as high as the skies, are easy. But to see them through till the end is the difficult part.

Saying to myself that I want to be a cardio-thoracic surgeon is easy. Searching which route is the best to achieve that dream is easy. But to embark on that dream, now that is difficult. Where to begin? Well, I can say that I've already started the journey. I am after all in medical school. That's a start. But to see it through till I hold a degree stating that I am a cardio-surgeon, that I'm not sure I can achieve. Words are easily uttered, but actions are harder to do.

To achieve a dream it depends on oneself. It depends if you yourself have the will and determination to see it through. I am uncertain of my will and determination. I wish for an end to the stress and difficulty that I have to overcome here in medical school. That says a lot about my will and determination, doesn't it? I pray that I do not give up, but I won't know what will happen.

To achieve a dream also depends on luck and of course for believers of any faith, God's grace. As the Muslims would say, Insha Allah, and it is so true. If it is not the will of God, then you can strive as hard as you want, but nothing will fruit. It will naive to think that you can change the course of destiny by sheer will power.

So, amongst all the difficulty, and all the uncertain variabilities, why would we bother to dream? Because without a purpose in life, we are nothing but an empty shell. Even for believers of any faith, while we can believe and tell ourselves that our purpose in life is to do God's will, to glorify God, etc, without a human, worldly purpose we would falter in our divine purpose. To glorify God comes in many different forms but the way things work is that through achieving your dream, does your divine purpose is manifested. God gives you your divine purpose in life through your worldly purpose. This is where God's will comes to play.

So, to live a dreamless life would be a bleak existence of any human being. None of us would want to leave this world without leaving a mark of ourselves, be it a worldwide mark or just a simple mark etched in someone's memory.

Dreaming is the way to go. So as much as the path I have chosen is causing stress even to the point of affecting my health, I will see my dream through, less God tells me otherwise or I meet an early death (choi!!!)

Never let someone discourage you, never abandon your dream!

The bitter after taste of change

2010-11-07T07:15:00.000-08:00

Remember when I wrote about the change I felt in the air? How the seasons were starting to change? And how it felt as though it's reminding me that things won't remain constant and that change is unavoidable?

Well, change has indeed come to pass. Not the change I wanted to see happening or at the least happy about, but nonetheless it came and it passed. Now, I have to live with it.

With the end of my operative surgery exam, and now, the end of my 4 day weekend, I turn the page of my book. Now, I have to find a new resolve, and a new way to fill up my time and emptiness. Aih, turning the page is such a bitch.

The air is now cold, and utterly unpleasant. The wind no longer whispers of winter approaching but now bowls it's presence at the door. It's time for my hibernation mode...

Well, I've bought my violin and I love it. I've found a teacher and he is patient with me :P but though there isn't much to be patient about at the moment as I'm thus far a quick learner. Surprisingly I understand his explanations (everything is in Russian except music terminology). And the best part is that the teacher comes to the student instead of the other way round. lol!!!! Heh, and I don't sound so horrible :P NOT A BANSHEE!!!! YEA!!!

I had henna done on both sides of my hands yesterday. I wouldn't say it's VERY nice but since it was done by students and it was a fund raiser event, it's fine. So for the next week or so, my teachers and patients would be wondering about my decorated hands. LOL

I HATE change....

I've cried all my tears out till none are left. Additional production would have to wait. I've tried to reason things out, but my brain could not comprehend any rational thought. I've tried to be angry but that doesn't cut it as well. So what is left? Resignation. Pack it up nicely in a box, tape it up, stack it in the store, erase every other trace left behind and move on as though nothing happened.

Another change is going back to the basics. In this particular case, it's not so much as a change but more of a cycle for me. When I say going back to the basics, I meant tracing my steps back to God. Ah, a troublesome feat. One that either breaks you or make you.

Cerebral OVERLOAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-10-31T12:17:00.001-07:00

Daylight saving today in Russia. Which might explain why today feels a little longer than usual. haha

Daylight saving means 2 things:

1. My biological clock is whacked out since I can't tell time by looking at the sky no more

2. Winter is finally here... shit!

So, if there's anything more that I can dislike in Russia besides the language, is the winter. According to astronomers; this winter will be one of the coldest in a very, very, very long time. They predict that temperatures will drop till -55. I pray to God that they're DEAD wrong but they seem to have a knack for these things. So, I'm praying that when temperatures do drop anywhere near -30, classes are cancelled or that the cycle I'm having is nearby or not important :P

I feel like running away, screaming, booking the first flight out of Russia and back home. I feel like crawling under a rock and remaining there for... er... at least until winter is over. Why? I don't know... to avoid committing suicide would be one reason. The other reasons is just because I'm sick and tired of this place and the people around me. Ok, not ALL the people around but just most. Aside from studying, I have nothing better to do. So my days are filled with me reading books. I'm turning into a nerd with absolutely NO life. Sad, ain't it? This is what med school is doing to me. Sapping my soul, my fun, slowly, steadily, till I'm dry and empty. Ok... a wee bit Halloween-ish but that's the spirit!! Wooo...

On the up note, I'm planning to take up the violin. Yes, the annoying musical instrument that sounds like a huge mosquito buzzing near you. I would LOVE to continue my piano but that requires.... .... ... A piano. And even if money start growing on trees... wait... trees are now bare of leaves... Correction: and even if it start snowing money, (preferably, Euro or Sterling Pound) I can't put a piano in my room. So, I need to get an instrument that is portable. A piano ain't one. Since I no longer have the pulmonary capacity I had in highschool, and do not wish to go through all the trouble obtaining that capacity back, a wind instrument is out of the question. I think my VC might be reduced compared to high school life. hahaha... that leaves.... *drum roll* The String family!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Applause!!!!!!*

So why the annoying, shrilling instrument? Cuz the only string instrument that doesn't sound like a banshee and not ridiculously HUGE is the cello. Now a cello is expensive. And I don't intend to lug a cello to and fro my hostel and music class. So that leaves the banshee-like instruments. Sensible Eugenie, thinks that the violin would be the best choice, since most songs are written for violin compared to a viola and it's small and light to carry arond. Now, an Er Hu would be wonderful to learn but where the hell am I gonna find one here in Russia? lol

Hence, the shrieking, piercing, banshee of an instrument is my choice. Ok. I know I'm painting it as though the violin is a horrifying instrument. In the hands of a beginner it probably would be. :D But, in the hands of a learned violinist (not necessary a professional) it will actually sound beautiful. Since this will be the first time for me in taking formal violin lessons, I reckon I'm gonna sound like a banshee with PMS. Ooooo... the horror to the auditory system. But who the hell freaking cares? Definitely not me.

I'm kinda sick and tired of thinking about everyone else's feelings and trying not to hurt those tiny feelings of theirs. I'm gonna be selfish. Selfish Eugenie.... bad combo. But to hell with them. They make noise for me so I'm repaying the favour. It's torture time!!!!! nyahahahaha

But first, I need to go get my banshee instrument. And then, gotta confirm if a teacher is available or I should look elsewhere. Thank God for the extra money I have stored aside... cuz this month will be EXPENSIVE!!!!! But like my sis says, money spent that makes you happy, is money well spent. Though, that doesn't get rid of the horrible feeling of being even more... er... broke is a bit extreme... less rich? hehe

BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT....

Before all the auditory torture, Miss Depressed-Annoyed-Frustrated-Bitchy-Hormonallyimbalanced-Eugenie has to pass an exam. OOOOOOO GOOOOOOODDDY. So, the torture continues until wednesday, where it shall be judgement day for operative surgery. But before I get to enjoy my 4 day weekend, I have to go through ANOTHER torture, if exam ain't enough of a torment, RUSSIAN CLASS!!!! YIPPPEEE!!!! (meant will all the sarcasm I can master) Not only did that teacher decide to give lots of homework, class is at freaking 1730 and ends at 2000. @_@ And you wonder why I'm not jumping out any windows yet... Not only will my brain refuse to work on that particular Wed (due to post-exam numbness and pre-holiday buzz) but I have a feeling, that my mood will be all over the place... and not the positive merry moods... the black, dark, stormy, murderous aura kinda mood. Wednesday will be torture but as they say, suffer first enjoy later. So, suffer tremendously on Wed, then enjoy my 4 day weekend.

What do I have planned for that 4 day weekend? NOTHING!!!!! I found out that another stress for me is the fact that plans here in Russia seem to always fail, especially when it involves other parties. So, to avoid unnecessary stress and disappointment, I've got NO plans with anyone except myself. Probably try out the violin and learn my notes. Other than that, it's an open schedule.

Je t'aime... words I REFUSE... absolutely and totally REFUSE to utter or hear in any language, spoken or written. NO!!!!!!!!!! Don't even whisper those words to me. Don't even utter any inclinations of those words to me. Selective deafness!!!! and selective cognitive-impairment to those words!!!!!!!!!!! hhhhhhhhh......... Someone said them and I totally cringe from it. Totally unexpected reaction but nonetheless, an honest reaction. Oi, so many things wrong with me. Is there anywhere I can reboot my system? Maybe God should have included a reset and reboot button.

Does a broken heart ever really mend?

2010-10-26T04:09:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about you
And how we used to
Be then back when we didn't have to live
We could start again

There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
Just you and me tonight

Everything will be okay

If it's alright with you
Then it's alright with me
Baby, let's take this time
Let's make new memories

Do you remember all of the times we had?

All those times that we had,

Are all that we ever had

All those memories we made,

Are all starting to fade

There's nothing left to say

Cuz for us, there is no other day

Those nights of just you and me

Are memories to be set free

What new memories will we make,

When those we had, now feel so fake

Those memories used to be of happiness

Are now just strings bound to sadness

You've been thinking about me?

And how we used to be?

But baby, those times have past us by

It's now time to say goodbye

If it's alright with you,

Baby, it's time to bid adieu

Baby, what's done is done

Baby, what's gone is gone

It's now time to leave,

To our separate beds we part

All those memories we had

It's time to put them away

Just something put together in a reply to something someone wrote on FB. I think the first part (before the pic) is a lyrics to some song. Those after the pic are my own. lol

Select and click delete

2010-10-24T08:11:00.001-07:00

You know how you sometimes just want to forget about certain events that have occured? Those events that at the time was so beautiful and sweet, a fond memory, but then somewhere in the future something happens and the memory of that sweet and beautiful event is now just a sour reminder? Kinda convoluted ain't it?

I do. Actually, I have many. lol... Why? This is due to the fact that when I'm done with someone, be it a relationship or a friendship, I would prefer to delete everything related to the person. So, what do I wish for now, being the daydreamer I am? I wish that I can select which memories I want to delete. It's like selective amnesia. Cool eh? If only.... if only...

But like all events in a persons life, it is an experience, one that a person learns from. If the memory of it is deleted, then I'm sure so will the lesson learnt. :P

But the memory that I'm referring to has no lesson in it, or at least I don't see it. It's just a memory I wish to forget and never re-visit. Memories have strings that tie you to the past. In order to leave the past behind, rationally, the strings has to be cut. But how do you cut strings woven by memories? Common sense will just say, erase the memories, but reality just doesn't allow that. :P

So, I'm left with thousands of memories, most of them used to be fond memories, but are now just reminders of a painful past. Thousands of memories that sometimes hold me back from moving forward. Of course, not each of all these thousand memories bind me to the past strongly, but those that have more meaning are harder to forget. Though, maybe not consciously remembering them but most times the human subconsciousness recall what the conscious mind can't or in my case, just plain refuses.

Selective amnesia.... another thing to add to my Christmas wishlist.

A letter to you, my love

2010-10-14T08:22:00.000-07:00

Dearest beloved,

How are you, my love? I pray that your day was a blessed one, filled with fruitful labour. If it was a difficult day, come and lie in my arms, my love. I will soothe your worries away, even if it is only for a moment. I will take your mind off your problems if only while you're with me. I will rub the tension away from your shoulders, that you may relax. Rest, my love.

Were you thinking of me? Are you wondering the same things as I do? How wonderful would it be if this letter could reach you, wherever you are and whoever you may be.

My love, I miss you so much though we have never met. At times I long for you, for your arms to surround me and hold me tight, shielding me from the pains of this world, for as strong as I may be, I cannot brave this world alone without you near me ready to shield me when pain is too much; to hear your heart beating strong and steady, providing a sense of calmness in its regularity; to feel the warmth and gentleness of a partner that seemed denied to me in this cold world. The soft whispers of your voice as try to soothe my pain. Oh, how I long for your embrace, my love.

My heart aches, that you are not here with me, it aches knowing that you are not here to wipe the tears away when they come, and come they shall, with heavy flows. For the solace found in a beloved arms, is denied to me while the pains of the world stand before me, armed and ready. When I write this letter, my heart is burdened. When I write this letter, I am in pain. I seek the comfort you would provide, but come up empty or just a partial comfort in the arms of another.

I wish you were here to hold me now, to put a bandade on my bleeding heart, to stop the longing and the search, to help heal the emotional scars. Oh my love, where are you? Do you not hear my pleas? Do you not feel my pain?

My love, I hope you find me soon, before I am lost in this world and within myself. I hope you find me soon, before I forget how to trust a man. I hope you find me soon, before I forget how to love. I hope you find me soon, while I still have love to give.

My love, I must take my leave from this dream of mine. Bounded by destiny, guided by the red threads of destiny, may my love and this letter find their way to you.

With love,
Your beloved.

4 books, a fresh pot of coffee, table extensions, scattered papers, and where am I?

2010-10-12T12:03:00.001-07:00

2 weeks into September... how long was that? The exact date was 15/09/10...

Educational year of 10/11, I was suppose to be a 4th year once 1st September started... but I wasn't. Only on the 15th, was I officially a 4th yr med student. I barely passed my internal medicine, and they say that internal medicine is the most important part of medicine. Well, DUH. And to think I barely passed it? How am I SUPPOSE to be a doctor here??!!!!

But now, I'm about a month into 4th yr. How has it been thus far? Better. I'm no longer as blur as I was in 3rd yr. Maybe all those studying did pay off now when it refused to pay off during exam. 4th yr is basically repeating the same information with just a slight re-organisation and slight additional information. I'm loving it

BUT...

BUT...

BUT...

4 different anatomical books; Gray's, Subota, Netter's and Lippincott; a fresh brew of coffee (fresh hours ago anyways), full scape papers littered everywhere, two extensions to my already HUGE study table, and seniors notes, I'm still going at a snails pace with operative surgery.

The only solace I can take from this worrying snails pace is the fact that I actually fully understand what I'm studying, and I actually know what I'm doing. But would that be enough to prepare for an exam which begins on the 5th of Nov? There is still the lower limb, trunk, head and neck to go. This ain't just plain gross anatomy anymore. Gross anat is child's play compared to operative surgery. Relation of organs, muscles, fascia, bones, spaces, arteries, veins, lymph to each other needs to be well understood to know how to approach a problem surgically without causing more damage, and to know where purulent inflammation can spread from one space to another and how. Oh Lord, am I taking it too slow? Or is this just a feeling of panic that is making me think I'm too slow?

Exam results are not as important as to the knowledge retained after an exam. Yes, true. Proven. But even the teachers themselves judge a student according to exam performance, what more society? Grades are everything apparently. Should I move faster, and try not to understand to the detail? Just breeze over my materials, without questioning why, how, and where?

Med school, oh med school, oh med school. The torture of students... but with rewards out-weighing the torture... I pray

Sanctity of a timeless, simple contract

2010-10-08T22:07:00.000-07:00

For those who have NO idea about the head of this post, here's a review.

Patient (22) comes in with her mother, medical student takes her history, questions being asked here and there. Nothing out of the ordinary. Mother leaves, and now patient starts to reveal a few hidden information. A few strange findings (which will bear no relativity to my post) but basically she assumed she was pregnant with all positive indications, and the fact that she had intercourse. Then, bla bla bla, found out that all the tests were false positive, doctor starts to take the history himself. A whole new history.

Then, doctor discusses the case with her MUM, occasionally/very hardly any reference to the daughter

As future doctors, we would all be placed in this situation or something along the line. What is that situation? A situation where we as doctors are placed on the line between preserving or betraying patient-doctor confidentiality. Of course, what you, as a doctor will do depends on where you are. In countries like USA, UK, EU, Australia, NZ, Japan, Korea, etc, you'll be served a court order for breeching patient-doctor confidentiality and legal action will be taken. But in countries like Malaysia, well, patient themselves are poorly informed about their rights as patients, hence, not many doctors actually get served with legal papers. That's a good thing for some of us who will be working in Malaysia, but at the same time a bad thing as well.

Patient-doctor confidentiality. What is this non-verbal, non-writen contract? Patient-doctor confidentiality was established since the time of Hippocrates. For those medical practitioners to be, I'm sure you know your Hippocratic Oath, if not, look it up. But here's the portion related to this topic.

I will respect the privacy of my patients, for their problems are not disclosed to me that the world may know.

Any patient has the right to this basic right when coming in to see a doctor. But of course, the legal system isn't all that kind due to several logical considerations. A patient below the age of 18 (or whatever the legal age of an adult is in a country) does not have a concrete right to this contract as the patient, in the eyes of the law, is still a child, dependent upon his/her parents and is viewed as incapable of making good decisions or incapable of fully understanding the situation.

BUT if a patient is above the legal age of an adult, then this contract applies, and a doctor or any medical personnel is bound by law and ethics to preserve that contract.

When a patient comes to a doctor, he/she will not be willing to devulge all information concerning him-/herself, medically related to a stranger. So this patient-doctor confidentiality actually assures the patient that whatever is confined will remain confidential. Only then, will patients be open with a doctor, and we all know how important that is as anything can be an indication, sign, symptom, cause related to the patients ailment.

So, going back to this case. Proceding statements, refer to a patient of legal adult age.

Sure, the patient came to the hospital with her mother. Sure, she's still dependent on the mother. I'm 22 and I'm still under my parents care. But that doesn't mean that she nor I, are not entitled to our rights as patients. A history should not even be taken with a 3rd person present unless of course the patient him-/herself insists that it's alright. But even then, a history should be taken with the patient alone. As for the mother, or whoever accompanies the patient, they should be informed by the nurse or doctor that they should wait outside while the interview is conducted. Just protocol.

Then, bla bla bla, everything was discovered. Doctor discusses the case with the mother. Here is where it seems that the contract is breeched. Anything concerning a patients case should never be revealed unless of course it's a health hazard to those around the patient, in the case of infectious disease. Then those close to the patient should be informed for their own health. But in this case, it isn't an infectious disease. Hence, the contract shouldn't have been breeched.

The doctor also spoke to the mother, with occational/very rare reference to the patient. The patient here is NOT the mother. So, I do not understand why, this particular doctor is talking to the mother and ignoring the patient. Unless the patient is still a child legally, the doctor should speak directly to the patient. Even if the patient is a child but already old enough to understand, say, an adolescense, then the doctor should still speak directly to the patient, with the guardian present. The main object of a doctor's attention should be on the patient. A doctor should speak directly to the patient. The 3rd party is just there to understand what is going on and how to care for the underaged patient. But if the patient is over the adult legal age, then the 3rd party shouldn't even be in the room when the case is discussed, unless of course it concerns the 3rd party: in the case of infectious disease, or with relation to a spouse (your spouce is sterile, your spouce may not conceive, etc) But not in this particular case. Not only was is un-ethical for a doctor to breech confidentiality but it was also rude to the patient being treated as 'invisible'

As for when the relatives should know about the patient's condition, that's up to the patient. If a relative asks about the diagnosis or reasons of a diagnosis, a doctor should not reveal anything, especially when already requested by the patient to keep things quiet. In this case, the patient didn't exactly verbably state that she wanted to keep the information quiet from her mother, but any idiot can see that she was trying hard. If the patient gives consent, then by all means, inform the relatives what is going on, but if not permitted by the patient, than the contract binds a doctor from revealing such information.

A doctor can only advice a patient to inform his/her relatives by him-/herself and as soon as possible if there is a need to. In this case, if the patient chooses not to inform her mother, it is her right as a human being to do so. She is an adult and this is an internal affair between family members. It is no longer medical. And as to her being adviced on safety during sexual intercourse, even a doctor can advice her on that or any health care facility or even the internet. She doesn't exactly need the advice from her mother. So the reasoning that it would be beneficial to inform her mother about her daughter's sexual activity in the sense that her mother can advice her on safety during sexual intercourse is just ludricrous. How the patient's relatives find out about confidential information doesn't matter so long as it is not the medical staff or the doctor providing that information.

A doctor should always advocate for his/her patient. A patient-doctor confidentiality should NEVER be breeched except for special cases. Why? Because that particular contract is something sacred that a doctor or any medical personnel should preserve.

Like a priest preserving the sanctity of his God, Lord, Bible, and Church, and advocating for his congregation, so should a doctor preserve the sanctity of the patient-doctor confidentiality and trust and advocate for his/her patient's rights.

Put your head on my shoulders....

2010-09-23T07:48:00.000-07:00

Comfort... ... ...

We all need comfort. You want a nice, fluffy bed, nice fluffy pillows and a warm comforter to sleep at night. You want a microwave, rice cooker, oven, kettle, a stove to make cooking easier. You want a car so you don't have to wait for the bus, or train, or commuter. You want a sufficient bank account so your future will be secured. You want good health so you can enjoy life. All the material comfort the world can give, if possible, you desire. It is just human nature to do so. Who would want to live a difficult life?

But the other comfort we human beings look for is emotional comfort.

Life cannot be sunny everyday, with pretty flowers blooming, birds singing and people smilling everytime. No. In this world, shit happens. You wake up to a gloomy rainy monday which reflects your mood as you realise that you have to drag yourself to work/class. The flowers withers and dies as the season changes and the circle of life continues. When your mood is sour, you start noticing the many unfriendly glares and stares of the people around you that you normally don't notice when you're all happy and content.

When things take the turn for the worst, your emotions are affected. You fail an exam, you lost a friend, you quarreled with your boyfriend, you can't understand your classwork, traffic jam happens when you're trying get somewhere in a rush, etc. All the shit in the world happens, in every form, to everyone. Makes you why life is worth the living, but that's another ponder for another day.

So when things go bad, you need comfort. Comfort can be found in many ways; sleeping, praying, hanging out with friends, being alone for a bit, taking a refreshing walk, or you could just go out, have fun and DRINK!!! But the most common of all is seeking comfort from someone close to you, be it your boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, or best friend.

My question is this: how do you comfort someone who's hurting/disappointed?

I have been placed in situations which require me to comfort a person but it has always be rather awkward for me. What do you say? What do you do? Saying everything will be alright sometimes just doesn't cut it. Saying you did your best sometimes is just bullshit. What is the right thing to say when someone comes seeking comfort from you?

Why is it awkward for me? It's because when I am sad/depressed/disappointed/stressed I just prefer to be alone. So I have never expected anyone to say anything to me, because I'll most likely be alone, and even if I do go out, my thoughts and feelings are kept to myself and the main reason to go out with a friend would be to take my mind off things not to recall them. A person's reaction depends on what he/she has experienced or observed. I have never observed someone comforting another because it is a rather intimate, personal thing and I it would be rude to intrude. The comforting I have received are not many or maybe I just never say them as comforting acts.

The only thing I can provide is a shoulder to cry on if there is a need for tears, or a hug if hugging lightens the heart, or a listening ear when needed. Silence and understanding is all I can give. As eloquent as I may be in my writings, when it comes to saying the right thing, at the right time and in a nice manner, I am the last person for the job. Saying something in an eloquent, gentle way has to be pre-meditated. I can't think of it right off the top of my head.

So, maybe it requires the person who seeks comfort from me to understand that all I can give is silence and understanding. I wish I could be the best person for others to seek comfort from, but somehow I was designed differently. I was designed with a slight defect in the emotion department.

Falling leaves, blowing winds, Autumn bids adeau!

2010-09-22T06:28:00.001-07:00

The winds blow cold,
The sky dulls and grays
The leaves shed their green coatings,
Taking on a beautiful golden hue.

As they float peacefully to the ground,
The change of season is here for all to witness.
The taste of winter is now strong in the air around,
The colours of the world is now bleached grayness.

Yes, I am reminded about the change of the seasons, the passing of time and reminded that it is another year in Russia. The sun has begun to start it's slumber, it's warm rays are barely felt. It is time to pull out my winter coat and boots to prepare for the coming battle.

As I am reminded by the passage of time, I can't help but wonder about the past. So many things have happened, so many things have changed, but a few remained the same. My still new surrounding is slowly sinking in, my newly re-found friendship is going strong, my newly defined relationship is sitting comfortable in place, and my new cycle is slowly changing the internal mechanics of my being. Will things be stable now?

Naive thoughts! Things will never remain as they are. It is never the nature of human beings to stay stagnant. We are creatures of change. But for now, things are remaining relatively stable. There are slight changes, but like the pendulum of a grandfathers clock, it swings back and forth, always passing mid-point, always still within range.

I look around and they are a few familiar faces missing. I look around and somehow there is a sense of trouble. The winter air is making me feel uneasy. For me, change is never easy. It is always stressing to the organism, and thus, I prefer if things remained in their range of variation. But this change in season, reminds me that mother nature listens not to the wants of people, but the wants of God. She changes and renews the land. She changes and renews the hearts of men. She changes and renews the soul.

So this change of season, reminds me that human nature is never constant, and warns of changes to come. I dread the change. Some changes are good, but only seen after time. Some things, are better left as they are, but of course a mere human like me can never control such events.

The wind blows cold,
The sky now cloaded,
Mother nature now sleeps,
And thus, a new season arives.

Change is here to usher in the new,
Change is here as a reminder;
Life never remains, like morning dew;
And time, time awaits no dreamer.

Happy tipsy me!!!

2010-09-12T11:50:00.000-07:00

You wonder why people take alcohol, and yet when you actually do, you seem to understand.
Shit happens in life and sometimes, things get a bit too much and you think 'oh what the fucking hell'. It's time to let loose, let your hair down and just go wild. Release everything!

Rationalisation, making excuses, what ever you wanna call it, it is rather therapeutic. I don't mean that alcohol is ever good, it does after all have consequences to your mental aquity and of course your liver. But liver cells can regenerate, especially if you're young and if you're not an alcoholic. And as for mental aquity, getting that blurred and distorted is kinda the whole point of drinking alcohol in the first place. You leave reality behind, even if its just for a few hours or for a day. The point is to leave whatever is bothering you long enough to numb yourself and be free.

Of course drinking alone is kinda sad and never healthy as that is how alcoholism actually starts. So when drinking, always have someone to drink with. Why? Because then you won't be alone and there is a control in how much you'll drink, if the person you're drinking with keep his/her wits about them. And of course there is the fact that when you do get drunk, you need someone to actually get you back home. But if it so happens that both of you get drunk, hey, at least you have company when you get lost trying to get back home. LOL

I'm in Russia, a land where alcohol drinking is not frowned upon, and a land where alcohol is never scarce nor hard to get. It will be the end of days when Russia actually runs dry of alcohol. Alcohol here is cheap, affordable for a student and ever ready even in the small shops. So temptation is right next to me, calling me and telling me 'have a drink hun, it ain't wrong. Let me help you forget your worries and pain' And boy!!! Do I have pain and worries!!!

So, it's a Sunday night, and I'm drinking vodka. Tomorrow's Monday, and hell, I have fucking internal medicine. So what the hell, am I doing on a Sunday night drinking alcohol instaed of preparing for my test on gastritis and Peptic ulcer disease for tomorrow? This is currently a short term solution for my problems and emotions that I'm feeling right now. It's not as bad as you think, it's not like I'm in depression or in immense stress or suicidal or anything serious, I'm just feeling a little down and stress and there ain't no one here exactly to help with the destress. So, my current best friend for the night is my dear beloved vodka. Baby, baby, baby I love you.

Now, you think I could go find my close friends and of course my bf, but hell, sometimes things just don't go the way you hope it'll go. Friends become too busy for you, no time, busy with bfs, busy with studies or busy sleeping. And sometimes, God forbid, bfs get sick. So fun is out for the equation, and you are left to your own device. So, the easiest solution and less detrimental would be alcohol. Next step would be drugs but that'll just get you into trouble with the law and of course you do not ever want to experience Russian jail and not to mention the irritating effect of drug dependence. So, alcohol all the way!!!!

Ok, so let me go and enjoy the remaining 1/2 a liter of vodka, kick back and obviously fall asleep. And pray to dear God, that the black tea I have ready in my cup for tomorrow morning, will be enough to clear the bloody hangover I'm so gonna regret tomorrow and manage to drag myself to class with sunglasses on.

So, drink, have fun, relax and set youself free.

Signing off, tipsy happy me!!!

My two personal old acient relics of a bygone era: Part 1

2010-08-08T05:30:00.000-07:00

You know how they say that our parents are old-timers, old fashion, old mentality, old etc? Well, technically they are... because they ARE old. hehe

When I was younger, I always thought that my parents were so old fashion socially, mentally and of course in the fashion sense. A daughter has no need to go out to town to 'hang' out (or in their terms - loitering, wasting time), a daughter has no need to go out with a guy (mother: what for you want to go dating?), a daughter should not be out late (mother: what will you be doing? Sure, nothing good!), a daughter should help around the house, a daughter should be more gentle and graceful (and not knocking things over, tripping over her own feet, prefer to hammer and saw instead of learning how to cook and other girly things) and a daughter should ... etc.

Am I in China here? haha... but that was how I was brought up anyways. Mother says this, mother says that. Mother literally makes life a living hell :P Mother should just leave me alone and let me be.

Music, fashion, form of speech seem to be the few clashing points my parents and I disagree on. Linkin Park, Eminem, Simple Plan, etc was father's definition of noise, not music. Short skirts, torn up jeans, spaghetti top was mother's definition of being inappropriately dressed. Shit, fuck, asshole, damn, were their definition of an uneducated person attempting to speak English.

Beatles, Eagles, Teresa Teng was my definition of BORING!!! Long skirts, sleeved shirts was my definition of being a nun. Please, thank you, I beg your pardon, was my definition of a pompous show off.

We differ in so many things. So where was the half-way point?

But then I grew up. While I still like my Linkin Park, Eminen, Simple Plan atrocious music (according to my father) I added into my playlist REAL songs (according to dear father) from the time of my parents. Though I still like my short skirts, torn up jeans, spaghetti top, I have learned to dress appropriately according to the occasion. There was a time a short skirt in church to me seemed harmless, now only jeans or knee length skirts, as a sign of maturity. Though I still curse like a sailor in times of stress and anger, I have mastered a civil tongue.

Growing up changes many perspective in life. Advice from mother that was just annoying to me, restriction imposed by mother just to make my life horrible, prooved wise and sensible when maturity came. Mother didn't make sense then, because I was still too young to fully understand the deeper meaning to everything she said and did. But now, mother seems to have been very wise at raising her wild, strong willed daughter.

It wasn't that daddy didn't have taste in music, or was too old dated to adopt new technologies, or too ancient to keep up with new cultures. It was just the total opposite, there was actually a beauty in all of it.

Daddy has excellent taste in music. The oldies are probably the best genre of music ever composed. It wasn't just meaningless words about a random occurance, but it was a beautifully composed story. Daddy wasn't too old dated to adopt new technologies, but he just prefered to use what he already knows. Better to do things with your own hands and brains in order to appreciate the work more and to stimulate your brain even more. Kids now a days have to use the calculator to count 14+18. Daddy wasn't too ancient to keep up with new cultures, he just don't see much good in the modern culture. People were more respectful and more bound to moral, ethics and religion in his time. We are a time of moral corruption. My father is a better man than any of the young men around now.

So while we have different opinions and different likings, the old saying 'mummy and daddy always know best' is so very true. You learn from your parents methods and their mistakes. In my opinion, they did a wonderful job with raising my two older siblings and I. All their children are doing well and are in / persuing respected professions.

The old thoughts I had where I refuse to be like my parents, that I will be a better mother than my own is thrown out the window, because I can never do better than my parents at raising children. Why? Because they are the best at it. Their family-care formula seem to be working with excellence. So why change?

In life, you are Shakespear. Life is your stage, who you are is the script

2010-07-29T04:39:00.000-07:00

Facade...

Everyday, we get ready for life. You freshen up to awake yourself from dreamland, the fantasy, deep yearnings of your subconsciousness. You look into the mirror, maybe to check for an emerging pimple or the dark lines of a restless night or maybe the puffiness of a nights worth of crying; maybe to tell yourself mentally that you can get through the day without anything bad happening; maybe to see yourself reflected in the mirror and remind yourself that 'this' is who you are.

There, while starring at the mirror, your hands move as though on auto-pilot. If you're a girl, your hands move to comb your hair, tie it up or style it up, then they flutter about your face, applying your makeup. If you're a guy, your hands move to comb your hair, style it up with gel, shaving the beginnings of a beard or mustache, then flutter about to apply the day's choice of aftershave.

On last look, and you pick up your things and lug your things, and yourself out the door. The minute you dress for your day, you put on a mask with the spares nicely placed or shoved with disdain into your bag.

Lets face it. You are no longer a child. You are no longer a teenager. You are now an adult.

The individuality that you have been harping all those times as a child and teenager, those self-inspirational quotes you pasted on your walls or scribbled in your notebook or diary which encourages you 'to be yourself' , that 'no matter what, never hide who you are' to 'break from the status quo' , have no use now in the real world. Society is not so kind as to encourage individuality in the work place. There is a reason why in a work place, there is a heirachy of power. Where are you? Most likely at the lowest of the food chain. But unless you are the CEO or your own boss, there are a set of rules and decorum for you to follow in order to achieve success and for the efficiency of the company. These rules require it's subjects to conform to a certain type of behaviour, thus, making them easier to control.

Individuality, is different for everyone. It makes us unique, but unique is not what companies look for especially when your work does not require creativity. So everyone has to conform to a uniformity. The vibrant colours of your youth is now peeled away and replaced with a dull gray colour of adulthood.

You want to break free, to be yourself, whether it is the quiet person you are, or the crazy person, or the pissed of person, or the bubbly person, or the slutty person you are. In a nut shell, you want to be YOURSELF. But in order to keep your job and do your job as smoothly as possible, the individuality in you must be hidden behind a a fake impression of yourself. The mask is put in place. The role, cast. Your duty, acting.

Because we live in a society which do not particularly appreciate any diversions from its norms, we try to stay within the norms, we try to be on the good graces of everyone, we try to keep the peace. So, even when we get reprimanded (or in harsher words, get pissed on from high up), we paste a smile on our face, or a look of guilt, depending which is suitable for the situation, nod, and accept our reprimand without saying anything to anger the person even more. You swallow your dissatisfaction, you swallow your words, especially if you want to keep your job and when the subject of reprimandation is either out of your control or nothing too serious as to smear your reputation. But even then, even if the subject of reprimandation could hurt your reputation, caution is adviced if you intend to speak your mind. The safest choice of action? Shut up, suck it up, move on.

The mask you put on is not just one. Everyone is different, and in order to fit in and cause no disturbance in the norm, you have multiple masks. Different masks for different groups of people. You alternate the mask you wear according to the people you have to deal with. Compationate and carring mask for your patients/clients. Obliging and deligent mask for your superiors. Easy-going and friendly masks for your co-workers and so forth

The facade you play is both as much as for yourself as it is for others. But here's the down side to this facade you play; at what point does the mask BECOME you? You are wearing masks everyday of your life, whenever you go to work, whenever you have to attend a social function, whenever you see your clients or even when you go out on a date with your girlfriend/boyfriend. At one point, your own mind gets confused, as to which is a facade and which is the real you. The habbits that the masks play are so integrated in you that your mind starts to accept that this is part of you and start assimilating that role into your personality. Finally, you find yourself wondering who is this person you're seeing in the mirror, or where have the real you gone to. When this happens, you are lost. Lost in the game you play to survive. You're soul is now confused. YOU are now confused.

A sign of this confusion is when you find yourself unable to decide on what you want, or how you feel. You start doubting the emotions you feel, wondering if they are yours or the "mask's". When trying to make a decision, you wonder if this is really what YOU want or is this something that your 'mask' wants. You also start thinking that others are also faking it, which is most likely true. But it starts to unerve you when you look into the eyes of the person you love and see a flicker of the facade. You doubt the whole relationship, you doubt the person you love.

No, this is not the case of multiple personality, as it is not as severe. But, while each personality of a multiple personality has it's own individuality, the 'masks' do not. It has NO personality. It's just a role you play, like an actor on stage, but without your heart being put into the role. Just and empty gesture of a fake emotion/action that the society expects from you.

But even with this side effect, you still need to play the game, you still need the facade because you need your job, because you need to fit into society. As to the treatment of this disease, I do not know. Time alone? Time with your family? Time with your best friends? Time with someone who doesn't expect you to act a certain way. Time with someone who doesn't mind you being you. But these people are rare to come by, even within family.

I have played this game all too long, and have gotten rather good at it. But at the same time, after long periods of this game, I started to loose myself bit by bit. When I realised that I was loosing myself, when the signs and symptoms of the confusion hit me, I still had the chance to break the mask I was wearing. I am after all still a student. I do not have an occupation to worry about. I still do not have society to worry me. I can still be who I want to be. That is why I managed to break the mask I wore. It was easier, no repercussions, minimum duration of usage.

Nevertheless, I still require them when I am dealing with patients, or my teachers and doctors and those around me. Though the usage of this facade is minimum, the effects are nontheless still dangerous. So, before I play my role on my stage, I remind myself that all this is just a facade, a game, and like all illusions and games, they will come to an end, where I have to stop and step down from the stage and keep my props away.

I smile, I laugh, I comfort, I keep silent, I sympathise... most of the time these are all just a facade, but at times, they are genuine. Some can tell if they are looking at a mask or at me, but most are either blind to it or ignorant. Either ways, every defence mechanism has it's side effect, like every drug prescribed has their adverse effects, what matters most is whether the good outweights the bad.

Problem: Social norms

Signs, symptoms: isolation from society, depression due to difficulty in assimilation into society

Treatment: facade, masks required

Adverse effect: may cause confusion to personality and emotions. Patient may find it difficult to distinguish him-/her-self from the facade

Contraindication: previous prescription of the same treatment before this, mental/emotional instability, sever physical / health complications

*Patient is notified clearly about adverse effect of the treatment and understands the risks involved. Liability is wavered at the patients own accord

Oh, Crystal ball, oh tea leaves, oh palm lines, why won't you tell me anything useful!!

2010-07-26T23:38:00.000-07:00

So we should always look towards the future. We should be future orientated. But of course doing that and not forgetting about the past as well. But right now, lets focus on the future.

Lets see, I'm already... what... 22? Oh my goodness gracious!! I'm OLD!!! lol... lets tone down the drama queen act :P

So, estimated that most of my former classmates of 05, would have graduated by now, except maybe those doing longer courses like pharmacy, dentistry or medicine. Most should be looking for employment with the skills and degree they have aquired. It's now time for the real deal. It's now time to prove that all the money spent and the time and sweat in university made you into something. It's now the real world for these old classmates of mine.

Looking around me, most of my friends or people I know that are my age are now married or at least engaged. My neighbour of 20 years has already been married for a year now. My cousin is getting serious with her boyfriend and we're expecting a wedding pretty soon, God willing. My Russian friend, age 23 has just been married last Sunday in New York, USA. The lists goes on.

WTF??!! I'm happy for them, I really am. They've moved into a new phase in life. They've found their better half, or at least they think and hope they have. The point is, they're moving on with life. I'm not saying that the rest of us, who are still persuing or studies or single are staying static, not progressing. No. We are moving forward. But the rate that we're going is so slow that I can't help thinking, "hey, why am I not working yet or married or at least being serious with a guy?!"

I'm still stuck in the student life, and while being a student is the best part of your life where it's all carefree, minimum responsibilities, no pressure of providing for the family or paying the bills on time, etc, I still feel like I'm being left behind here. Time is ticking away, and of course I know that I can't do anything to rush things because lets face it, I can't make medical school go any faster can I? I can't graduate any earlier than that already determined.

Sitting down and calculating the time that will past me by is kind of disturbing!

Medical school, 7 years (pre-med included). Graduation: 2013. Age: 25!! Shit!

Rough estimation of serious dating before getting married: 2 - 4 years. Unless, somehow, somewhere along that time I loose my common sense and decide to get married real fast... haha. This serious dating will only come after graduation... in my working life. So lets say, 3 years of dating before the guy pops the questions "will you marry me" assuming that he will and lets give a time of 1 year to find this person. That will come to a total age of 29!!! F***

And that estimation only applies if everything goes smoothly!!! lol

And because I am not only female oriented in thinking, I do want a successful career as well. To be a surgeon (which I plan to be) will take time, as it is a specialty. Now to be a cardiothoracic surgeon, would probably take longer. Now, my plans are to be a cardiothracic surgeon, give and take that might be 5 years? Then I plan to work maybe not in Malaysia. Probably apply to work in Saudi Arabia if I can get the job. On this page of planning, it seems like I'm seriously gonna end up a spinster! Sigh... professionally, excellent. Personally, shity.

Now, if I were a guy, I won't be so worried, I won't even be thinking about marriage. It'll probably be the last thing on my mind. What will be on my mind is how fast can I climb up the professional chain. lol... the wonderful difference of the male and female mindset. But, a woman does worry about this. Why? Because we have a fucking biological clock ticking away in our body. I do want to give birth to a healthy baby without killing myself in the process or risking my life :P So, the earlier I go through the pains of childbirth, the better for both me and the baby. But that can't be rushed. Why? Because I don't want to spend my life being a single mother. So, I have to be sure about my... husband... was about to write mate. ahahaha... too much National Geographic and Animal planet.

But of course, I can't predict everything that will happen in the future. That is in the hands of God. If I so happen to choose my husband wrongly, he'll be cursed by me for all his miserable existance (aheeem!), but I'm sure I can handle being a single mother. Millions of women have done that and are doing that. I'm sure I'll get through... though I won't be wishing for it.

Again, everything is in God's hands... as annoying as that may be (opps!) but it's a fact that can't and will not change. So, while I'd love to give the strings to God, I'd still want to pull a few of those strings here and there from time to time. Kind of impossible to surrender total control of my life to anyone... God included (pardon, Amen). I'd still be hanging by my nails, to have some control of destiny.

And who the hell said that you determine your own destiny? He must have been one sad dude in denial! You're destiny is not in your control, it's in God's. He probably decided which road you'd take when you come to a forked road ages before you even come to it!

You : Path A? Path B? Hmmm.... This is hard...

God: I'm giving you a choice dear child.

You: Really, God? Ow, that's mightily nice of You!!! Gee... Thanks!!

God: (monologue) Hah!! What a sucker! I already know which road you're gonna take, you sad poor sod! I'm just making you THINK you have a choice... but you don't! You're gonna take Path B!!

God: Pick well my child. The choice is yours

You: Er... er... er... AH!!! Path B!!!

God: (monologue) Surprise, surprise!!! Should have known... wait, I did!!! What a sucker!

I think I made my point. Lol... Life oh life. Some would say, go with the flow. No need to think ahead too much. Screw you! I don't want to end up facing a set back with no preperations. I ain't jumping into the real world without a safety line or a parachute! But, to get blood pressure down and not die an early death of hypertension, just concentrate on the professional life... love, marriage, children will come in God's time, just have to keep an eye out while persuing my profession.

Food expedition in KL!! Picture not included

2010-07-09T06:56:00.000-07:00

So, it has been a week that I have been in Kuala Lumpur. How was my stay here? I would have to say that it was fun. My aunt and her husband and her 3 kids were very welcoming and generous.

So, the one week here I have spent sleeping, banging on the piano and of course, eating!! haha. I had planned to take pictures of all the foods that I ate here, but apparently, I was SO SO SO intent on eating, that I totally forget about pictures, either until I'm half way through eating or done eating . ROFL!

My uncle has bought so many different types of food during my stay here and each of them, more delicious than before. There were also fruits added to the mix! The best, the king of fruits, DURIAN!!! Such a wonderful, amazing fragrance!

Spent some of my days with my old friends, Nicole and Midget. Nicole, thank you for the wonderful talk and letting my crash at your place! It was fun! Mid Valley was interesting, though the fun there was spent without you, Nicole, since you had class. :P Was shopping for a formal dress but apparently I couldn't find one that could fit me nicely.

Midget, hehe... thanks for the Cheras food expo! That was wonderful! Sorry that I had to worry you like that, but since you are my best of friends, I felt that I should tell you. hehe... sorry, I know it was selfish of me! Don't think so much about it, dear. Life is short as I have witnessed in Russia, and I'm just living my life in the present and relatively near future!

KLCC was fantastic, Midget. The food at Chillis was amazing!!! I'll be sure to return there when I stop in KL again, or when I see a Chilis restaurant anywhere near me! haha... And I'm still finding it funny that you responded nicely when I called midget!! ahahahahaha
Thanks for the gifs! Love the necklace. Will be rocking it in Russia! Speaking of rocking... you seriously looked good that day in KLCC!!! The wonders I can do with makeup!! I'm an ARTIST!!! ahahaha

Anyways, hope to see you in Kuching soon midget! More food expo!! This time, lets remember to take pictures of the food BEFORE we start eating, ya?!

Two sides of a coin

2010-06-23T11:58:00.000-07:00

We all think friends are the flowers in life. They brighten up your day. We all think friends as those who will help us when we are in trouble, rain or shine. They help you when you need a helping hand. And when the people we consider friends fail in at least these areas (obviously there are more characteristics to define a friend) we know who are trully our friends and who are just the fakes.

One thing I have trouble with, is making friends. The core to this problem is a trust issue. While I have always answered questions asked by people around me, always seemingly an open person, trust is never there. Without that trust, my answers varies from person to person, but nevertheless still the same plot. Some are truths; some, white lies; others, totally made up. Who would be insane enough to impart personal facts about ones life to a person one barely knows? I am not insane. But what I'll admit here is that I am a pathological liar... or at least I used to be. Do I have a conscience when I lie? No. Do I hesitate when lying? No. Is there any guilt following every lie? No. How good am I? Very good.

This aquired skill, I have honed since I was a child, and many a times, it has proven very useful to me. I fake who I am and what I do. The rationality here is that all I want is to get out of trouble. That's how it started. But then it evolved into something deeper. Where no one knowns about me, no one can hurt me. To know someone, you need trust. But trust isn't something easily earned nor easily given, and when broken or violated, it is hard to rebuild. I can't remember when I started lying, but what I remember was that it was a thrill for me. A game to play and see who I can outsmart. No, I have never went through any emotional trauma which caused me loose all sense of trust towards people. I just decided to be that way while watching other people getting hurt. Prophylaxis is always better than treatment.

Throughout my childhood and teenage years I have lied my way through life, to the point where at times I forget that it is a lie. To most people, I see them as just plain people, and in my eyes, I do not have to tell anything about myself to them... nothing of the truth anyways. But to some few, I was truthful. These few, I trust.

But when I started to actually trust someone, something I have rarely done with the exception of my family, I learnt the darker, horrible, painful reality of human nature. Some people manipulate the trust entrusted to them just for their own benefit. This just reinforced the prophylaxis. It is now not just prophylaxis, but is now also a treatment. When I learned this, it was another game for me to play, but one I rarely played. Manipulating people for simple help, getting things done, money and levarage were the few I have tried and succeeded. If the world is this tainted, then to survive, I'll join the game. The rewards? Excellent.

People using others for their own outcome, is natural, it is somehow the norm as well. So trust is obviously hard to give. I have encountered a few experience where the trust I gave to friends were broken but mostly, they are nearly all forgotten. So, I'll go with the recent ones.

To trust someone, you obviously have to spend a certain amount of time with the person. To get a feeling for the person, to understand, to hypothesise, to deduce. When you finally decide that this person is alright, you start to deepen your friendship. From there, a trust builds between the two of you.

So in my case, this one particular girl, I have spent countless days with her before I opened up to her and when I did, a trust was formed. A trust that remained till recently. Now, from this experience with this friend of mine, I realised that money and friendship/relationship should remain separated and should never overlap if you want peace to continue. Money was lent but even after a year, she never paid up. I can understand that she needed the money and that she had financial problems, to the point of sometimes not having money at all for food. And while money wasn't an issue for me, I wasn't bothered that she never paid up. But unfortunately, I lost a huge sum of money to a pickpocket, and suddenly I was in fast need of money. Russia being Russia, I had to pay money for visa and transport to moscow and back which all costs ALOT!!! I asked for my money that she owed me and because she is graduating this year, I wanted her to pay up before she left.

Again, like always she had an excuse. This time I wasn't so nice and insisted. Her reply? I will pay you back your money but at my own time. What the fuck is that? At 'your' own time? Hello??!!!! The money is MINE? I have every fucking right to demand it paid up at which ever time I want. Later her text message: Sorry for being harsh on you. I know harsh when I hear it. I am a harsh person most of the time, hence, I fucking well know harsh! THAT was not harsh, that was just plain RUDE!

Ok. So I desperately need the money to pay for important things. But the money is not the real issue for me. I can get money elsewhere. So, no. Money isn't what's bothering me. It's the trust I had in her every time she says she'll pay me when she gets money. Within ONE fucking year, I CANNOT believe that she received no money from home. The excuse of having not enough money to pay up because she has to pay for getting her diploma, graduation, etc is not a good enough excuse. If she really wanted to pay me, she could have just cut down on internet and her phone credit. But obviously, she didn't. I trusted her everytime she says she'll pay the next time she receives money, the next month, etc. But this time was the last fucked up straw. How I see it is that this amongst other things that she's done, she is not worth my trust. She is not worth the trouble and the hurt. This time, the ties are severed. Will I make the debt halal for her? Not right now, no. In time, probably. A debt owed should always be paid according to the amount owed and the form of the debt (a deed paid by a deed, help paid by help, money paid by money, etc)

So no, trust is still not easy for me, because everytime I trust someone, I seem to be on the end which receives the pain, hurt and feeling of betrayal. This is why most times, I feel no guilt when I lie or manipulate someone.

While this part of me (the pathological liar and the manipulative bitch) was at it's worst during childhood and my teenage years, somewhere I changed. Where? I don't know as the change was gradual. But the reasons, I clearly remember. Meeting and getting to know more about my best friend, midget showed me that it is safe to trust some people outside my own family. She has never once betrayed my trust in her and I hope, neither have I broken hers. From the point where I fully trusted her, I started to change. I didn't notice it then, of course, but looking back now, I can clearly see how much I've changed because of her. The pathological lying decreased slowly. The manipulative games I played slowly stopped. But to fully trust anyone else aside from her was still very difficult.

Then, I met Chipo here in Russia. When I met her, I slowly started to open up to people more. I opened up about MYSELF and not about a lie I spin for myself. When I met Chipo, I started to form connections with people. The pathological lying ceased completely. Now, instead if the girl wth so many layers of veil around her, each layer telling a different story, a different lie, what you see is me without any veils. Should I choose to open up to someone and trust the person, there are no lies.

But even with all that positive change, old habits die hard, as they say. Thus, I'm still skeptical about trusting people. I may not lie anymore, so instead, I just don't talk about personal things or do favours for a person I don't trust. Thus, I appear rude and cold. Traiding another bad PR with another bad one.

Friends are not always the flowers in life. They don't always brighten up your day. They don't always help you in your time of need. Instead, they sometimes fuck you up bad! So, some friends (usually most of them) are jerks and assholes. But those who proove themselves worthy are those who are trully your friend.

Mishmash of a mishmashed cup of tea

2010-06-17T06:06:00.000-07:00

After a whole morning and day studying, I decided to reward myself with lunch (more like lunch and tea all at once... teanch?) and looking through facebook. Seems like I didn't miss much, but then I came across a video my friend posted up. It was just a slide show of couples, etc with wordings of love in Italian or French and music from Kenny G of Forever Love.

I know... when I heard the music, this was my reaction: Ugh!! More love songs! This is just spiteful!!! Nevertheless, I do like listening to Kenny G, just that with this video pasted together with the song, just makes me more sentimental!

Instead of being annoyed, I did the opposite of what I have always preffered to do. Instead of shoving aside and ignoring my heart; I actually listened to how my heart is feeling. But I think it was being biased due to the song :P The poet in me just decided to compose a few sentences:

My heart is aching for reasons I know not...

but the pain is one of painful longing...

for whom it awaits, I still know not...

All I see is a faceless figure, standing...

So close, yet to reach out and hold, I could not...

Oh, troubled heart, stop thy painful longing...

Be still and silent, for now is not the time for useless whining...

Pain and loneliness you may be feeling...

but know that time is the best for thy healing...

Yes. Not the finest work of mine, but it does say what my heart is feeling. The problem with listening to ones heart is that it (the heart) knows not of what it wants. And trying to put your finger on what your heart is looking for is just mind boggling!

But yes, my heart feels lonely. It's searching for it's companion. God know, it has God to keep it company, but even though God is everything important to it, there is one part of its needs that even God can't fulfil. Why? Because God is the one who placed it there. One section of your heart belongs to whoever God has destined you to be with. After all, God did create Eve (Hawa) from the rib of Adam right? Man is not made to live alone. Man need woman and woman need man (here I just sound like a caveman who just learnt how to talk!) To make it sound so cliche; we all have soulmates. I know, I cringed with embarassment at how cliche that sounded.

So with that said, maybe that's what my heart is longing for. That companionship. That ease and peacefulness that comes with silence in the arms of your other half. Yes, I'm getting all touchy, goo-goo feeling. But I can't help it. Everyone longs for it! The pain and joy in God's design!

The fustration that comes with believing that God made you someone special to spend the rest of your life on earth with and made you into someone special for someone out there (complicated sentence huh) is that you know he/she is out there but where? and when will you both meet? Have you both already crossed paths? Or have you missed it all together? But if you believe in the first statement (the complicated one) then you obviously believe in God (which God, it doesn't matter) and if you do, then you can believe this next sentence: It is not for you to know the time or the seasons, which the Father hath put in His power (Acts 1:7)

I believe. I believe. I believe. But to hold strong onto that belief is difficult.

I believe. I'm tracing my steps back to God slowly and surely. I think that it's about time I go back to my Creator. I think I'm ready for the Holy Eucharist. Sure, the longing won't be satisfied, won't be erased. But with God, it could lessen and be still.

A life without God I could never imagine. A life running away from God, pulling away from Him, being angry at Him, I know. I've done all that. I have blamed God for the bad things that happened, I have painted Him guilty for every pain I have felt. But then I heard a soft whisper; You can't be angry at God and not believe in His existance. And till this day, that logic there has never failed me. You cannot be angry at someone if the person does not exist. Then I pondered; yes, I believe in God, but that doesn't mean I have to love Him, or do as He says. Believing in something doesn't mean that you have to like what you believe in. I believe that God exists, that He created me, and that on judgement day, I will have to stand trial. But at times, I'm just angry and Him to the point that I just shove Him out of my life.

But here is what I learnt; the HARD way. No matter how much you try running from God, He still follows you where ever you go. I can't escape from the word of God. I can escape from the workings of God. God is everywhere. There is no escape. And when you turn your back to God, your heart withers aways and starts to die. Ischemia occurs followed my necrosis. It's ugly. It's painful. Your heart becomes troubled, you become stressed, you just deteriorate. So, no matter how angry you are at God, you can't do anything without him. Your life just sucks without him.

It took me sometime to realise that. But how I realised it was the amazing thing. It happened here in Russia. It was the worst times ever here. One day it was just too much for me. I found myself absolutely lost. Just when I wanted to give into despair, I found myself infront of the Catholic church. How I got there, I have no idea. But point is, I was there. Stepping into the church, the scented candles, the altar, kneeling down and praying, the tears that came while reciting the Rosary, it just happened without my control. The calm that came after that was amazing. When I left the church, the day literally was much brighter than before I entered the church. I'm not talking about sunlight, but how I felt, how I saw things around me again.

But of course, though I have never ran away from God anymore, I still wonder if I am worthy to accept Holy Communion. That was the reason why I took a break. Not from God, just from receiving Holy Communion. Maybe it's time to go back there again. :D

Religion. I see no point in arguing about religion. Really, I don't. Reasons to argue yes... but points? No. What I see between Israel and Palestine is just a political and geographical despute. It has nothing to do with religion but knowing how mankind thinks, they drag EVERYTHING into this issue. Like most wars regarding religion, it is never religion that is the problem or the real reason for the dispute, it is always human selfishness. If everyone just followed what their religion teaches, despite the many different religions, the world wouldl actually be a better place, at peace.

Everyone sees things in a different angle. Everyone understands differently. That's where different religion come about. Who is right? Who is wrong? It's actually a personal choice. I cannot say what you believe is wrong especially in religion as neither of us have a concrete proof. So, what you believe is what you believe. Nothing less but everything much more. I understand the belief system of Islam, of Christianity, of Judaism, of Buddhism, of Hinduism, but to believe is a totaly different thing. I understand the concept of reincarnation, I understand why practitioners of a Buddhism or Hinduism does this or that, but to believe I cannot. I understand the reasons but I cannot believe that those reasons are right. But it is a personal preferance. Same goes with any other religion. I understand the reason to what they do and why, I understand their belief system but to accept it, most times, I cannot.

Best thing to do here, agree to disagree. :P But there is always a beauty in every religion. At least amongst the Abrahamic religion, I see the same house of worship, just with different wall paper and decorations. Maybe this is blasphemy, but are we not all decendants of Abraham? And who did Abraham worship? Is it not God? What do you call God, does it really matter? I have 3 different names: Eugenie; Lilian; Eu San. Am I still not the same person? I call my God, God. You call your God, Allah. And Allah is just God in Arabic. Yahweh for Judaism which also means God. So, we believe in the same one God. We have no deities. Just one Almighty, Merciful God. This is the same house of worship. But where we differ is the way to God. The Christians have Jesus and the Bible as the way. Islam have Muhammad SAW and the Quran as their way. The Jews have Moses and the Torah as their way. Hence, different wall paper and decorations. Path A, B, and C (or in this case for the fun of it, path C, I, and J) all leads to God/Allah/Yahweh (whatever language you want to use).

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only person who looks at the Abrahamic religion this way. Am I proud of my religion? Yes. Will I insult anyone from another religion? Hell, NO. Why should I? In the sence of the Abrahamic religion, they are my brothers and sisters as much as other Christians are.

It will be wonderful to face God and ask the question: So God, who was right? The Christians, the Islams or the Jews? Or is this a haze, and everyone's right in their own sense? hahahaha (I know, imagination running away)

Till then; Pray; have Faith; Believe.

Who am I? Siapakah aku? Watashi wa dare? من أنا؟ 我是谁？

2010-06-05T11:27:00.000-07:00

Who am I?

Who is this person that sits infront of the computer typing this? Who is this person who wonders about so many things but never seem to understand fully what they all mean?

Who am I?

My name is Eugenie Mah.

I was born on the 27th of February, 1988 at about 3am. That makes me 22 this year. I do not remember the day I was born or the few years that followed after. Were they good? Were they blessed? Were there tears? Was I a bundle of joy to my parents and siblings? I would like to believe they were... but maybe not. Regardless, I was born into a family of 4... making me the youngest and the newest addition.

I was born fair, big eyed, cute and pink. Healthy. I wonder how my parents felt, I wonder how my siblings felt when I cried my first cry, announcing my arrival into this world. What plans did my parent's have for me? What hopes have they bestowed upon me? What path has God paved out for me? All were and will be unravelled in time.

I have studied art, music, and martial arts along side my studies in school. I have all but failed in them. Nothing held passion for me, nothing held interest for me. I was mediocre in everything I did. Did I like being mediocre? No, absolutely not. I hated being what I was, and that broke me, or should I say caused a few fractures to the way I thought? I gave up on art, music and martial arts because I did not see the point in persuing them if I were not going to excel in them. I was never going to be as talented and excel like my siblings. It felt like I was born with a little of this and a dash of that; somewhere in between my sister and my brother, there I stood. Mediocre me. But self confidence came later when the future to me seemed to be more than talents, school results and competition. Self confidence came when I had a goal; medical school.

Childhood memories are now a blur, but the few things I remember will remain till my memory fails or till death claims me.
My first puppy love in Primary 1...
My best friend in Primary 1...
Isolation in Primary 2 and onwards...
Cikgu Wilson, Cikgu Khadijah, Cikgu Hilda, Cikgu Maureen, Cikgu Rose, Cikgu Elizabeth, are among the teachers I still remember...
Being elected as prefect during Primary 6...
Moving on from Primary 6 with excellent results...

Childhood memories that bore their marks on my body will definitely remain with me
From falling while playing tag...
From falling while trying for the hurdle...
From falling into the drain at my house...
From falling while just simply running for the thrill of speed...
From falling of my neighbours bicycle...
To the dislocated wrist I got when I refused to go to bed...

Teenage memories that I cherish
Asian Symphonic Brass Band competition in Thailand...
Meeting my best friend forever, Su Xu Vin...
Elected as prefect, though the duty was crappy...
First time I went out with my friends at age 15 after PMR...
Eve leaving Kuching...
Battling through SPM with my friends and best friend...
Surviving SPM and graduating with excellent results...
The best highschool experience were those I spent in the brass band...
Meeting those I consider friends here in Russia...
Ending my teenage years at age 19 with family in Singapore and with a BANG!

I never remembered being a mummy's girl... mummy then was to busy with my brother and sister, they were after all about to step into the relatively real world, while I was still in my own childish world, seen by childish eyes, kept innocent by my parent's protection. What did I know about the impact of exam results in my future? What did I know about relationships with the opposite sex? What did I know about prefect duty, disciplinary action, peer pressure, etc? No, I knew nothing then. What I knew was what I believed in my parents' words. What I dream were the dreams of fantasies and movies. What I believed in was the fairness of this world that will never be seen once my childhood left. But I remember a time when mummy sent and picked me up from preschool, a bottle of milo ready for me in the car. I remember crying during my first day of preschool because mummy had to leave me all alone there. Mummy held me when I dislocated my wrist, holding me close to her as I cried, soothing and trying to make me laugh. Mummy was there for a time, before she got too busy with her other two kids, but when my time came for her guidance in life, mummy was there for me. But due to the wounds of her leave, it took time to open up to mummy, to not see mummy as the enemy, the woman who tries to make my life hell on earth, to see that the wisdom mummy imparts would make sense one day when I am older, and that her actions were only to help me grow. I realised this all too late. I realised this when I had to leave her home and had to come to Russia, miles away from the woman who yelled, beat, and shaped me into the woman I am now. But to realise this now is better than not ever realise it.

I was a daddy's girl. Daddy held my hand during walks around the neighbourhood. Daddy bought me what I wanted when he deemed I deserved it. Daddy sent me to and fro from school on the back of his motorcycle, rain or shine, sometimes late even and when he sold the bike, in his carm the same car that I will one day use to practice to drive. Daddy told me to be strong and not cry, but daddy was the one who wiped the tears away when they came. Daddy taught me how to hammer, saw and build and repair things. I am proud to say that I am a girl who knows how to change a light bulb of any kind, drill anything from wood to walls, hammer and put together a table / shelf / chair without difficulties, or even fix in a socket or repair a plug when it fails. What my daddy taught me, I have applied in my life. The habit of thinking to solve something, hammered in by daddy has proved useful in my life. To me, daddy was and still is my world. He is my teacher in maths and science, my teacher in life, my pillar to lean on, my comrade for adventure seeking, the hand that guided and still guides me in life and the hand that reigns me in when I go too far. I am who I am today, thanks to my dad.

I have always been a loner. While growing up, my siblings were much older than I was, thus, they ran at a different frequency than I did. I was too young to understand what they were talking about and I was too young to do what they do. I was different from them and I knew it. But I was only half correct at that observation. As I grew older, I saw myself in my brother, and it was not a pretty picture, and I know he sees himself in me. I have a theory that that is why we never got along. And when I was old enough to understand, they both have left for university. My sister, I would only see once within the next 8 years. A sister that I seemed to have never known, like a stranger to me but whom I still love, if I correctly understand what love is. My brother who I will still argue with every time we are in the same room, but will one day be able to be civil. Time changes things...

In school, I preferred to be alone with only a few friends. Why? Because I never liked dealing with people. The complexity of trying to interact with a diverse groups of individuals were just distasteful for me. I hated conforming to what they wanted me to be. Like all highschools, students divide themselves consciously and unconsciously into groups or cliques. I could never make myself fit into any of the cliques. I wanted my own individuality. Isolation was also because I made most of them my enemies by just being myself. Highschool was the time I learnt that I can never please everyone and that trying would be a waste of effort and time. It was also the time where I learnt that honesty is never always the best policy. Despite all this, highschool was where I met my close friends and my best friend whom I still cherish today. We have been through ups and downs together especially my best friend and I. We have changed each other, and I am a better person because of her. For that, I thank her. One could never find a better friend than her.

Do I have regrets in life? Of course, many of them were due to my decisions. I loved music more than I can explain, but like I said, I was only mediocre at it. My decision to stop was the one decision I regretted the most. Maybe things would have been different if I stuck to music. A different goal in life, a different course. But like the poet Robert Frost wrote in his beautiful poem 'The Road Not Taken';

Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I have chosen a path to walk and there is no going back!

Now I am in Russia, far away from home, far away from the security of my parents, far away from my comfart zone, I start trying to understand things. I have always preferred to take things as they are and thing nothing more of them, but now I want to understand, come up with my own explanation.

Life sometimes to me seems simple, like someone said to me, one plus one equals two, that's how life is and at times, some situations, life does feel as simple as that. But though life is simple, it is never easy. Knowing what is right or wrong doesn't make the decision making easier. But I am only 22, what do I know about life?

So who am I?

I am a 22 year old, Chinese Malaysian, born in the State of Sarawak on the 27th of February 1988 into a loving family of 4. I am the youngest, the tallest at a height of 1.78cm. I am a daughter of two loving and strict parents, a younger sister to my two siblings, a medical student currently studying in Russia and just a simple person.

I prefer to be alone at most times, but do seek the company for those who I hold dear to me. Most people to me are just acquaintances, someone I meet now and then. Then there are those I call close friends; they are those that I will share my grief and joys with them. Then there is my best friend, who knows me all too well. I neither care about nationality nor ethnicity in my circle of friends, just their heart.

I am a Catholic, was baptized at the age of 12 and confirmed at the age of 16. I believe in God Almighty, and I believe in Jesus Christ. I am not ashamed to admit that I do not know my religion as well as I know my medical books, but I am working on it. I am never ashamed of my Lord and God. I am a sinner, humbled and ashamed. I respect other religion in the world and I disagree with religious discrimination. I believe that God taught us better than that. I respect my Muslim friends and Islam as much as I respect my own religion.

I have to tendency to think too much because I want to understand as much as I can to everything there is that captures my curiosity. I am very curious and that has gotten me into various troubles. I am confident when I am sure about things, but even when I am not, I will still take the risk to stand by what I think is right and what I believe in. I am not necessary the best conversationalist but I am a good listener should one needs someone to talk to.

I will forgive almost any slight against me, but some, I do not forget for I do not wish to be hurt again though I bear no grudge against the person who wronged me. I am easy to anger and am in short supply of patience. Despite my outgoing personality and loud voice, I prefer to sit quietly and observe rather than be a part of an activity. I am shy even though I will talk to anyone who talks to me.

I never liked anything about myself, but now I do. I am who I am because of the people in my life and because of God and it would be an insult to them if I dislike myself. So where I fall short, I try harder, or just accept that’s just my design. Now, I am totally comfortable in my own skin.

I am honest and maybe too honest at times. I still do not know when to shut up and when to just say what I think. I have my mood swings, usually alternating between outburst of joys and euphoria with complete silence.

I never knew I was capable of loving someone before, but I have. Though I got my heart broken, I am grateful for that opportunity. I am a pessimist at most times as I believe that when you expect nothing and nothing do happen, you are not disappointed but when something does happen, you’ll always be surprised and happy. But despite my pessimism, I do see a silver lining in life from time to time. I believe that I will love again and when I do, it will be forever. But for the time being, I hold my heart close to me, never opening it in ways that matters for what I fear is the pain of hurt. Till my fear is banished, my heart will remain close and not for another to know, understand, or lay claim.

So who am I? I am me. I am who God made me. I am who my parents, family and friends have shaped me. They clay has been shaped into a pot, yet has not yet been burned in the furnace. For that, change is still possible, but however the change, the core design will remain the same. My opinions and way of thinking my chance with experience, but the memories and teachings in my life have formed habits and automated action that will remain; the heart of my being will remain no matter what outer appearance I dress myself in may be.

I am strong and independent. I am confident, yet I am a sinner, humbled in the eyes of God. I have all the love to give but still waiting for my soulmate. I have all the love to give and to my family and friends I have given that love. I am not perfect for I am flawed by the choice I have made in life, but I try to be what God want me to be.

Who am I? I am Eugenie Lilian Mah Eu San, and I am the only Eugenie Mah Eu San in this world that you will ever find. There is no other like me. I am unique, one of a kind, a rare gem.

Sugar, spice, chocolates; lemon, pepper, medicine; loss, sadness, tears; hope, happiness, smiles

2010-05-22T10:53:00.000-07:00

This is an age old question: What is love?

So, what is love? I have lived for 21 years now (I know, it ain't that long), and still don't know what love is. I know it's a feeling. But like all feelings, it is hard to explain. Sometimes it comes with a bang or at times, it comes like a soft whisper. We have read about it in books, literature, watched about it on TV, heard them sung in songs and even uttered it ourselves. But WHAT is it??!!!

One friend told me that love is a feeling you feel towards someone you love. As I heard this, my mind just went blank. That's not an answer! That's not an explanation!! So I asked, how do you know you love someone? "If you love someone, you're totally comfortable with the person. He/she will be a friend to you but at the same time more than just a friend" Again, not an answer... a friend but more than a friend at the same time??? I get the idea that's being conveyed though.

Here's what I think. Love is something individual. How I feel love, is not the same as how you feel love. Agreed? Love is an sum of emotions you have towards a person and your actions towards the person. It is not a single feeling but a compilation of several. You care for the person, you're jealous when the person is seen with another guy/girl, you worry after him/her when something happens, you're happy when he/she is around, you can't stop thinking about the person, and when he/she is with you, you are who you truly are. There is no hiding or pretence with that person. You laugh at each others mistakes, pick each other up when things are down, help each other out when there's a problem; basically, you support each other in everything there is. So all these feelings and actions and some other which I missed out, are all compiled together and is called LOVE.

It is never easy to describe love, especially if you have never felt it. But love comes in all types of forms. The ones that you are probably most familiar with is the love of family and friends. Everyone has experienced that and that is love. You are willing to sacrifice for your family and friends, give something up for them as they are important to you. And when you loose the people you love, it hurts like hell.

So, as for loving someone else who isn't family or friend, as in boyfriend/girlfriend, how do you tell the difference between lust, attraction and real love? In my opinion, you can't differentiate them until it's too late. Lust, attraction and love all comes together in one package. You can't love your other half without lust or attraction.

Attraction is what bring two people together in the first place.

Lust brings everything to another level to bind two together more.

Love...

love is what keeps two people together for the long run.

They come in steps, and if you are missing one of them, then that isn't love. Attraction and lust brings two closer but they won't stick without love. But without these two, then even if you do love the person, things don't get hot and heavy or continue to be interesting. Things get boring and you both start to drift apart. Attraction, lust and love is like one entity. One plays the role of the sensory organs, the other as the endocrine system and the last plays the role of the heart; all working together to make nothing into something special.

Next question: Is there only one love for all of us? I would say no. Real love will not just come once. First love always feels like real love, because you have nothing else to compare it to. And I would say that sometimes, it really is real love. But most first love don't end the way we want it to. Something happens and then the future you see for you and him/her just disappears in a pile of smoke. Why does this happen? I think it's because that when we have our first love, we are still young and new to the feeling. First love always teaches us about many things; while still in love and even after the break. First love is always difficult to get over because it's the first time where you give everything to another person, where you have entrusted youself, your emotions, your trust into the hands of another. And when that entrustment is broken, the hurt is intence.

When in love for the first time, its the first time you feel all that you've felt, and it feels wonderful. It feels great that someone likes you as much as you like the person. You embark on a great, interesting adventure with the person, discover new things and make memories of those great adventures. So when you loose all that, all those links you have with that special someone, it feels as though you've lost your way in life. Like you were lifted up high in the air and then the strings holding you up just snaps and you're falling, landing hard on the pavement, all broken and in pain due to multiple trauma and a profusely bleeding heart. You tell yourself that love doesn't exist, that you will not love again, that the pain and hurt is too much to try again. And by all accounts, yes, you are not wrong to say so. The human body is programmed to avoid inflicted pain.

But while suffering from your first love, someone out there still awaits you. The whole role of your first love is just to teach you how to love and how to handle a breakup. But that doesn't mean that what you both had was nothing. It is something. Something important and special. Don't hate the person who left, don't be angry that things didn't turn out happily ever after, don't hate or disbelieve in love. Just keep what memories you have of that first love somewhere in your heart. Remember what it taught you, the wonders of love, the wonders of connecting with a person, the innocence of a person, the purity of his/her feelings. Yes, you will never forget your first love. No one does. No one ever will.

A second real love will come again. If you are so burdened by the loss of your first love, then you won't even see the person who is trully meant for you, even if he/she is standing right in front of you.

Never doubt that you can love. Never doubt that you will love again. Never doubt that there is no one out there for you. Never doubt love itself.

Never close your heart, because then the meaning of life will seem a little more gray than ever. Someone said to me that love makes the world go round. As wonderful and beautiful as that sounds like, I'd have to say that is just bullshit. Love can't put bread on the table, love can't pay the bills and love can't make my thyroid problems go away.

So, instead of saying that love makes the world go round, I'd like to think this way: Love doesn't make the world go round, but it does make the ride worth while. So, if you give up on love, then the world would be rather dull. Yes, there are other adventure to be found, other excitement to be felt, but love is much more than all that. Love lasts longer, till death do you part, if you hold on to it well enough, and it'll be an adventure to remember. There is no other pain than the pain that love leaves behind when it passes, but when it does happen for someone, there is no other joy than that of love.

So, in a nut shell. Love is a sum of feelings and actions that you have towards a person. First love can never be forgotten but the pain can be dulled with time and with a bandage over it. Love is never to be given up for something else even when your heart is at its most painful, or when your brain tells you otherwise.

What about myself? I talk as though I'm a master in love. I am not. I am just a simple girl who tends to think too much about things. To see what there is to understand in a situation as abstract as this. I have had my first love. I have lost that first love of mine. Does it hurt for me to loose it? Yes, of course. Even now I am still hurting. But the good thing is that I am healing. Slowly yes, but still healing. Have I given up on love? No, because that's one thing to look forward to in life. Have I met my second love? I don't know about that. Maybe I have, maybe I haven't. But I believe that I will... one day...

Rebound diagnosis

2010-05-16T01:58:00.000-07:00

Physical is just physical, right? But can the physical move to the emotional? Or with a strong mind, it can remain just the physical? I'm not talking about physical pain here. Pain is a whole different thing. Pain can kill a man from shock, pain can break someone so hard, the person just gives up; pain reaches the emotional. That's that.

But what I'm talking about when I type physical here is when in a relationship. I have watched many of my friends fail here. They have always expected that the relationship will remain physical, that no strong emotional attachment will form, that when the guy leaves, everything will be fine because he did not take much of their heart and that whatever he took, will regenerate itself. But after some time, some took just a few months, some longer but the result is still the same, inevitable. Heartbreak... and a painful one at that.

And when they say; once bitten, twice shy, it is so very true. Your confidence in yourself withers away slowly as your mind starts telling you that you were the one at fault for the breakup. You know you have to get back up, you know that you need to heal, you know that you want all the pain to go away. So that's where some unhealthy habbits come up. Some turn to alcohol, drug, smoking, etc. The worst, emotionally and physically is the meachanism of rebound. Some go on rebound for a LONG time, others just go through one or a few guys. The idea of rebound is to fill that gapping whole, such a size where it is bigger than initially expected, with someone else. Hence, random guys or specified guys. What types of guys are the rebound ones? Some choose those who look similar in some ways to their ex. Others choose the total opposite of their ex. A small proportion, look nearby; close friends, friends. The preferance of choice doesn't matter as everything is just temporary. A rebound will not fruit into something better or something serious. A rebound is a rebound. Just temporary. It's just a mechanism that comes by instinctively to get you back on your feet. I'm not prescribing rebound treatment for the heartbroken. Absolutely not.

Like ALL coping mechanisms, they can't last that long. In the end, they will just stop working and then the initial symptoms are back, the same or worse. And like ALL coping mechanisms, there are side effects. The side effects to rebound is the emotional toll it takes on you. You delude yourself into thinking that this is the right one for you, and become all attached again. Then when the guy leaves, the broken heart that was healing, is now bleeding profusely again with a more extensive damage. Now, you had your heart ripped apart twice. You still don't come to your senses, so you have another rebound guy. The cycle repeats itself and your heart just gets shreaded. Faster each time, as the interval between guys now shortens. Your heart no longer has time to heal before being torn apart again. Scar tissue is unable to form around the injury, to glue those pieces back together again before those pieces get ripped up into smaller pieces. Basically, rebound just puts your heart into the shredder. This are for the normal rebounds. Or should I say masochistic?

Now we have the sadistic rebounds. Here is where you delude yourself into thinking that if you can hurt this new guy as much as your ex have hurt you, then the world isn't so bad. You pick up a guy, you're nice to him, but at the peak of this rebound, where the guy is too blind to see what's coming and he is falling for you, you break everything off. You shatter that heart of his as yours have been shattered. You find comfort in watching him try to get you back, watching him suffer through the pain, at the same time telling yourself that your ex made a HUGE mistake leaving you because this guy here wants you back. Lie to yourself. That might help. But here's the warning on the label that you forgot to read: Temporary comfort is followed by devastating emotional damage. You found the high you need, the comfort you long, but they will not last long. Before you know it, you're back at square one. The cycle repeats itself. This method allows something to heal your heart better, but only good enough that when the wound opens up again, extra damage is minimum. So, aside of making the wound bigger slowly, you also leave a trail of broken hearts behind you. And as they always say, karma is a BITCH! It'll one day come back and bite you HARD in the arse.

Now, is rebound a good thing? Depends on how you see things. If you just have a rebound with one guy and the rebound is a long one, where there is time for healing and that you accept that things are not going to last, then you're all good to go. It may actually help with the pain. As always, when in pain, never suffer through it alone. The battle is never won by one man alone. Friends may be there to help you get through but friends are just friends. You don't have the intimate connection you had with your ex when with your friends. The connection between a man and a woman that runs deeper than sex, and only can be found when with the opposite gender. So, the one who will help you through the pain here, logically would be another guy, the rebound. But always bare in mind that a rebound is a rebound and that will never change.

So, after this long side track, lets go back to my initial question. Can the physical remain the physical without straying to the emotional if the person has a strong mind? Maybe it can, maybe it can't. We are after all emotional creatures. At one point, it will still get to you, sometimes without you knowing it, other times it still snares you while you're trying to stay away from going there.

What made me ponder this? Because I am now on a rebound. Where will this lead me? I have no idea. All I know is that there is no future in this game that I am playing. A game never lasts, and neither will this. Fun is fun. Knowing myself, I don't form attachments easily. Takes years to form most of my attachments to close friends. So maybe I can get through this with my heart at least intact, with minor injuries. But as the events of the ages have taught me is that when you play with fire, you might get burned! So, while knowing all these, while seeing what it does to people I know, why am I still playing with this particular brand of fire? My heart listens not to my head nor any other organ for that matter, it goes where it pleases, especially now when it's hurting. My strength is lacking to reign my heart in. My body, tired of refusing what my heart wants.

So, the diagnosis? Rebound treatment for the patient. Side effects have been thoroughly explained to the patient and the patient fully understands the treatment and side effects and have waved all liability.

Falling star

2010-04-19T01:31:00.000-07:00

Turn thy eyes to the darkened velvet sky, adorned by precious diamonds beyond the reach of mere mortals, twinkling, from the heavens, silently watching. A star be knocked from heaven's mighty canvas, a beautiful streak be seen against the darkened sky, a falling star.

Quick, linger not ye mortals but put haste for this, a wish be made upon that falling star, with eager hopes for magical workings to come. Wish for what thou seekest most, in this mortal life of thine, thy deepest yearnings be spoken now, before time goeth by.

Quick, linger no more ye mortals but hasten thyself, throw all thy hopes into the vast open heavens, with truest yearnings for magic seen. All thy doubts, cast them aside. All thy tears, shed them dry. All thy sorrows, let them bleed.

Quick, hasten more ye mortals, thou seest not the falling star for thy mortal eyes are blinded by despair, grief, and hopelessness. Clear thine mortal eyen, from all that blinded thee, and thou shalt see a falling star.

Wish upon a falling star, to thine own self be true and thus, give voice to thy heart's truest desires, sing the wishes that thy heart longeth for. Hope that daydreams and magic awake into reality.

Miracles, magic, luck, or what thou dost name, they come to he who believeth in posibilities, and he who taketh a chance.

Wish upon a falling star my beloved children. Dream a magical dream, thou, who hast my love. In peace shalt thou sleep... I wish thus upon a falling star for thee.

eyen is the Archaic plural for eyes.

Twice

2010-03-26T11:45:00.001-07:00

This is one of my favourite poems. I have never really liked literature nor understood much of poetry, but when I first read this poem, something clicked in me. I read it in a Catholic romance book. It felt like a perfect ending to the storyline. Of course then, I didn't quite understand the meaning of it or what the poet was trying to convey. But now, as I read it again, I can somehow relate to it. Of course, I don't completely understand it, but I can somehow feel it.

Twice by Christina Georgina Rossetti (1830 - 1894). I first read it when I was 12, and not knowing any better then, I liked it just because of the way the words were phrased. A decade has passed since, and now I read it again at 22, a decade has taught me many things to be able to relate to this poem. It touched something in me. Moved me in a way I still can't identify.

Twice

I took my heart in my hand
(O my love, O my love),
I said: Let me fall or stand,
Let me live or die,
But this once hear me speak-
(O my love, O my love)-
Yet a woman's words are weak;
You should speak, not I.

You took my heart in your hand
With a friendly smile,
With a critical eye you scanned,
Then set it down,
And said: It is still unripe,
Better wait a while;
Wait while the skylarks pipe,
Till the corn grows brown

As you set it down it broke-
Broke, but I did not wince;
I smiled at the speech you spoke,
At your judgment that I heard:
But I have not often smiled
Since then, nor questioned since,
Nor cared for corn-flowers wild,
Nor sung with the singing bird.

I take my heart in my hand,
O my God, O my God,
My broken heart in my hand:
Thou hast seen, judge Thou
My hope was written on sand,
O my God, O my God:
Now let Thy judgment stand-
Yea, judge me now

This contemned of a man,
This marred one heedless day,
This heart take Thou to scan
Both within and without:
Refine with fire its gold,
Purge Thou its dross away-
Yea, hold it in Thy hold,
Whence none can pluck it out.

I take my heart in my hand-
I shall not die, but live-
Before Thy face I stand;
I, for Thou callest such:
All that I have I bring,
All that I am I give,
Smile Thou and I shall sing,
But shall not question much.

Death of the heart

2010-03-20T08:53:00.000-07:00

People say friends stand by you when it’s the worst time for you. People say friends help you through your toughest time. To make this world seem as pretty as it can be and as kind as it can seem, we try to believe all these to be true. When you meet someone, you try to think the best about them, try not to judge them and just be nice to them. You try to treat everyone equally, not being prejudiced against any race or religion and see the human in them. Mostly, you try to be a good person.

When your friends call for help, you try to help to your abilities. When your friends need someone to talk to, you’re there to listen. When those you think are your closest friends need you, you’re ready to drop everything you’re doing to help. You value them to that level. Why not? They are nice to you. When everyone else doesn’t understand you, they do. You’ve shared much laughter with them, shared every good news with them; you hope they’ll be there for you. You’re ready to help in anyway when they need you.

Yet suddenly, when your world seem to go from bad to worse, and you’re in the shower crying almost every night, bursting into tears in class and loosing all control over your emotions even when the trigger is something insignificant, you look around and you find that no one is there with you. Your friends are there, yes, yet you are still alone. No one knows you’re suffering, no one knows you’re in pain, except to those you’ve told. Yet to those you’ve told, they don’t seem to be there for you. You call, needing some comfort, just someone to tell you that everything is going to be alright, but the person you call is busy. You’re crying on the phone and the person is busy. You think, alright, I should be so selfish. The person is busy after all right? So you let it slide. The person says he’ll/she’ll see you when he/she is free. But when the person is free, se/she is out watching football with friends. You’re there, even more hurt than before. You shouldn’t have called. You should have just shut up and just cry alone like you always have, then you wouldn’t be hurt.

So maybe, friends aren’t there when you need someone the most. Maybe what people say is wrong. What you’ve been trying to do all these while, trying to be a good person, maybe it’s just all bullshit. The world is not a pretty place. The world is just an illusion. Every smile you had, every laughter you had, every good thing that happened is just an illusion that will just shatter and crush your hope. Or maybe this just applies to you. The friends you hold dear aren’t there when you call out for help. Apparently you are less important than a football match. So why risk opening up to people, trusting them and caring about them when all that you get in return is disappointment, tears and pain? Be nice to those around you, be polite to others and show respect to everyone but do not let anything touch your heart, let no one get close to you and let no one see how you really feel. Like an actor on a stage, play your role as a human but keep the real person to yourself. You were born into this world with no one else but your family, thus, you will die with no one but your family. Listen not to your heart, but your head. Your head has a natural instinct to keep you away from any form of pain. Thus, you should listen to it. Your heart brings nothing but confusion, hurt and pain. Everyone is a stranger to you. Form no attachment, get close to none then you can’t loose what you don’t have. You are your own friend. Rely on yourself as you can’t betray yourself. Rely on others and you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

You have felt how it feels to be left standing alone. You know how it feels soaring high in the sky only to fall and crash. You have known the pain of being let down repeatedly. Cast your pain and disappointment aside. Cast all delusions of friendship and closeness aside. Harden your heart, harden your mind and stand tall, knowing you came through and now know better. Trust is not for you. Neither is passion or love for you but instead embrace indifference.

New Years; a total cliche

2010-01-04T12:54:00.000-08:00

Hmmm... The one reason why I never bothered about the New Years is because it IS a cliché. No offence to those who actually LOVE the new years but really it is a CLICHE. I’d really like to shout this out on the top of my lungs cuz it’s getting annoying.

Every New Year’s Eve, we all sit down and 'contemplate' about the past year. How it was good and how it sucked in many ways. We turn things around, turn the rocks over in a desperate attempt to try to find meaning in them just to make ourselves feel better, make ourselves ‘think’ that we had a meaningful and fruitful year, that we did something useful for a change.

When in fact we probably just went through life like always, just the normal routine, making the same mistakes as the previous year, etc. Then we make 'resolutions'. I am not a strong believer of resolutions as we may make these promises to ourselves to 'better' ourselves but then we never fulfil them. Even if we DO, it will only be PART of our resolution and at the most, the first few months of the New Year.

And every year it is the same. OF COURSE we learn new things, we experience something new and different, we forge new relationships and friendships and for some, we loose friends and other close people. But it's the SAME every year, so why bother contemplating them? Would contemplation on New Years Eve make the memories more meaningful than they already are?

Meaning to an event is the same no matter when you contemplate it, unless something new comes up to change the PERSPECTIVE of viewing those memories, and the emotional-filled or the cliché idea of New Years Eve is hardly that. I’ll admit that this hormonal excitement over the New Years would change the perspective of a person’s view of their memories/events throughout the year, but I am SURE that it is NOT rational. We just feel that what happened over the year up till New Years is more meaningful during New Years Eve is because of the fact that another year has passed and that we didn’t want that one year to be a waste. Only on New Years do we fully realise that time has passed and that scares some of us. Hence, not rational.

Did we make something of ourselves? Did we do something that matters? Did we fully utilised the time given to us? Did we do our best? Did we make a change in our own lives or the lives of others? The mistake that we all make is that we forsake all these during the time it actually happened. We do not realise that we DID make a difference when we did because we ignored the subtle results of our efforts. We don’t realise that the results of our hard work, our impressions on others, etc were right then and there in front of us, maybe not immediately following the action but nonetheless, it was there.

There is no need of the New Years Eve contemplation routine to get us start thinking about the impact we had on the world and or on others or the impact of others on us. It is there, it was there, we just didn’t see it. All we have to do is live in the MOMENT. Living in the moment itself will give the experience MUCH more meaning than a few hours of contemplation due to hormones or the stereotyping of New Years Eve.

Then again this could just be me, since I find no significance in the new years anymore than I did 22 years ago. Maybe it's because I put little significance in the events that occur during the year, as though what happened would just be something that happened and nothing more. The world would only change in the slightest way with or without me in it and thus, I think I impose that idea towards the events around me.

Not that I'm trying to 'control' everything and everyone around me, far from it, but it's just that I can't find any significance in most of what happens around me. This may be due to my isolation in most of the decisions or events around me or even if I AM involved, I prefer to stay behind the curtains. And please don’t start thinking that I’m emotionally unstable or psychotic, I just prefer it that way. Of course I find meaning in life, but I don’t kid myself into thinking that I can make a difference in the world.

I’m just being realistic according to my capabilities. As of now, I can’t change the world. I’m just a medical student, struggling to get through medical school as smoothly as possible, learning as much as I can as not to kill someone in the future. Ordinary; that’s what I am, and that’s where I am comfortable. Of course sometimes I fantasise about what it would be like if my life took a different direction, but as far as fantasies go, when I wake up from them, they’re just what they are, fantasies. I am still FULLY grounded to earth. So no; fantasies are not real to me. :D

I can’t say that I live in the moment as I would like to, but at times, I just do things on an impulse and yes, it is thrilling. Doing something that isn’t planned out is indeed thrilling, just taking a chance. But of course that rarely happens with me. But what I realised some time ago is that change comes ever so softly. A simple thanks from a friend would make me feel happy. I may not have changed the world, but I changed something in that person. Maybe it’s not important, maybe it won’t make a big important impression on him/her but at least it left something.

The idea of change most of us have is that it’s big, significant and measurable or at least visible. What we don’t realise is that some changes are so small that it could be hardly visible or felt, sometimes not ever, but sometimes, somewhere down along the future we see what impact it makes. So, contemplation of how our life has been should not be done once a year since life itself (even narrowed down to life within one year) is too complex to be contemplated in a day or a few hours and the vastness of events that occur during a year cannot be contemplated or derived meaning from them within that short time.

Actually, it would be an INSULT to those who were in our life and an insult to ourselves to only think about the people, the events, etc that touched or happened in our life for just that fraction of time on New Years Eve. Our one year of life, our life itself deserves more credit than that. We shouldn’t be so hard on trying to make a difference. The difference, the change will come on its own without our knowing, without us forcing it. Every connection formed with someone, will change something. Must we all be so egoistic and want that change to be something big and flashy? Moderation people.

Cherish who we have beside us, be it a roommate, group-mate, teacher, friends, parents, etc because they made and will make a difference in our life at one point or another. Events and memories should not be forgotten or rendered insignificant because they signify something even if in a minute sense.

I find little significance in things around me, in people around me unless those very close to me. Mine is a small world, consisting of very little but it allows me to see things differently as well. We can’t find meaning or significance if we look at too big a view, but if we narrow down the scope, then we can better understand things. I wonder if I’m making sense here.

So my conclusion to this long ranting of mine:
1. New Years is a cliché
2. Everything that goes on in our life even just within a year deserves more that a short contemplation on New Years Eve
3. Resolutions are useless as it is only for one day, and then forgotten
4. Not making New Years to be an excuse of getting together with friends and families or remembering them, as loved ones should gather and remembered regardless of the occasion
5. When searching for meaning, significance and change, look closer to home instead of the wider picture, because chances are, the frequency of them happening are more when it involves those closer to you than strangers
6. Tone down the ego in you and be happy with small things

2009-12-29T18:05:00.000-08:00

My head is in the clouds, my heart has gone AWOL, my mind is astray, though my body remains present. I am now an empty shell in auto mode.

I see yet not see, I hear yet not hear, I move yet not move. I see though another's eyes, I hear but not comprehend, I move yet still stay rooted. I am now an empty shell, a relic of the person I once was.

Bonds

2009-11-28T02:47:00.000-08:00

There are many bonds in this world. Chemical bonds which hold electrons, atoms and molecules together are easy to understand, as most of them can be easily explained with ‘opposites attract’. It’s only in their nature, as they are supposed to be and as discovered and explained by scientists. They don’t have a choice in it. Not that molecules, atoms and electrons can think.

But we humans have a choice; which bonds should we form; why do we form them. Why do we form bonds with others? Out of convenience? Out of necessity? Out of loneliness since no man is an island? But why bother when most of these bonds cause us pain and grief and hurt? Sure, ups and downs are just the way of life, but do we really have to seek those up and downs? Can’t we just avoid it or at least minimize it?

Sometimes I wonder if I should even bother with these bonds. Friendship, relationship, I don’t really know what they mean to me. Of course some bonds I can’t help. Some bonds I understand. I was born into this world, into a family. So, family ties are unavoidable. No matter what happens, I can’t leave my family. Why should I? I love them even if I dislike them. My brother annoys me in every way possible, just being in the room annoys me. We argue and NEVER see eye to eye in anything. All I bother to find out about him is whether he’s alive and healthy and happy. That’s all. Any other information, I’m not that interested. My mum would just rant off even without me asking. Not particularly interested with my brother nor do I care actually, since we don’t get along, but if he were hurt or in trouble, of course I would want to help him. Despite my dislike towards him, I still LOVE him as a brother. It’s the bond between siblings that keeps the love there despite the hostility, differences and awkwardness. That’s how family bonds are. They run deeper than anything.

But what about the bonds that we have a choice in? What about friendship? It’s a person’s choice whether to form a bond with another person or not. Some people you just like straight away. Or maybe for some reason, you get along great. My best friend is one example. She’s seen me in every mood I could possibly have, probably knows me better than I know myself, most of all, she’s seen me cry. I tell her everything going on with me; internal and external. Though I can say that my life isn’t THAT interesting. But still, she knows.

But what about those that aren’t your BFF’s? I can’t say that I have a best friend here. Not like midget anyways. Friends, I do, but it feels like I can just cut them off as easily as breathing. I have not attached myself to anyone here that I will have difficulties in forgetting them. But that doesn’t mean that if I argue with them, or if something’s wrong, I won’t respond to the situation. It’s as though, they mean something to me but at the same time nothing as well. If I hurt them, then I feel guilty; if they’re sad, I want to comfort them; if they want someone to talk to, I’ll listen; they need something, I’ll help if I can. And vice versa. So that means that they mean something to me. They are my friends after all. The bond between us means something to me. But even then, I don’t seem to mind cutting those bonds of either. I have done so with some. And when I do so, I don’t feel anything. It’s as though they were just someone I said hi once and walked on. I hate admitting it but none of the bonds here holds strong or deep for me.

So why do I bother? I mean, it’s not like those bonds are a walk in the park. Guilt, annoyance, anger, hurt just overwhelms sometimes. I may not express much of my emotions except annoyance and anger which seems abundant, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel the rest. Guilt I deal with well since my brain has a good mechanism for deflecting or diverting the guilt into something else like annoyance. But in a small way, the guilt does register, just that it gets shoved into a box and the box just becomes so insignificant that it just doesn’t register anymore. Hurt is not something I like to show. Why bother? It’s not like the other person’s gonna understand or bother about it. So the hurt caused for any reason is dealt with when I’m alone or just left there, not in a box but just there. I usually just disguise it as me being annoyed or angry. So, when I do get annoyed or angry, it doesn’t really mean that that’s what I’m feeling then. Probably means something else. I’m hurt, jealous, guilt ridden (haha), etc.

Another thing why I probably don’t relate much to people or why I’m so reluctant to do so except on a professional basis is because well, keeping my distance seems to be the best way to maintain a bond. In my case anyways. It seems the saying ‘familiarity breeds contempt’ is very true for me. At the beginning of forming a bond, all seems well and nice since we’ll get along but once more time is spent together, it gets harder and harder not to snipe at the person. The closer I get to someone, the more I know the person, the more I realise the persons annoying character. I have a problem where a lot of small things annoy me. I’m probably the easiest person to annoy on the face of the earth. And of course, this annoyance goes both ways. Once you show who you really are, that’s when you are most vulnerable. Same thing applies here. The person may either accept who you are, and you accept who he/she is, or you both just snipe at each other or walk the opposite direction. Mine is usually the latter, either by my own choice or the other person’s (mostly by my own choice). Hence, I usually keep an arms length from people.

So, bonds between people are a bed of roses... with thorns!! Got to wind your way around those thorns so that you don’t get hurt, or you don’t hurt others in the process.

I have a feeling that a shrink would find me very interesting… or maybe that’s just me being full of myself. Haha

Tagged by Eve

2009-10-14T10:52:00.000-07:00

Starting time: 10pm
Name: Eugenie
Sisters: 1 elder sister
Brothers: 1 elder brother
Shoe Size: 10 or 41
Height: 1.8m

Where do you live: Currently located in Nizhniy Novgorod, Russian Federation
Favourite drinks: Teh si peng
Favourite breakfast: Milo?? I don't have a habit of taking breakfast
Have you ever been on a plane?: DUH
Swam in the ocean: Nope, don't plan to

Fallen asleep at school: of course... hehe
Broken someone’s heart: don't think so
Fell off your chair: very painfully, yes
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call: don't think so. No one nearby is that important yet.
What is your room like: satisfactory

What’s right beside you: Notes on pharmaco and Lippincott pharmaco book
What is the last thing you ate: Lodeh and some chicken soup
Ever had chicken pox: yep
Sore throat: of course... what kinda Q is this?
Stitches: Thankfully no
Broken nose: Nope

Do you believe in love at first sight: Can't say either ways. Attraction at first sight then yes. Love??? Till it actually happens to me, I'll doubt it
Like picnics: I'm in Russia. In the 11 months I'm here, 9 months of it is COLD!!!!!!!!!!! But I suppose I do if the weather is warm
Who was, were the last person you danced with: Hmmm... can't remember his name...
Last made you smile: Obligatory smile? My roommate. Trully smile? Midget
You last yelled at: In anger... too long ago to remember

Today did you:
Talk to someone you like: nope. Class was canceled so I didn't meet anyone except my roommate. Not to say I DON'T like her, but not to say I like her either. Unless text chatting counts then, my sister
Kissed anyone: No
Get sick: No
Talk to an ex: No
Miss someone: My parents

Eat: Of course la
Best feeling in the world: when I hang out with midget and all worries and stress is gone and then, I can actually laugh from the heart
Do you sleep with stuffed animals: I have 2 but they're stuffed between the mattress and the wall and hidden by my pillow. Don't fancy stuff animals
What’s under your bed: Nothing
Who do you really hate: At the moment? No one in particular. Can't say I hate anyone... I just tend to ignore the person's existance, hence no hatred nor any other emotions towards the person

What time is it now?: 10:10pm

5 things I was doing 10 years ago
1. Bullying the guys in my primary school... most likely
2. Learning Grade 5 music
3. Playing with my neighbour
4. Sleeping
5. Arguing with my brother

5 things on my to-do list today:
(I kinda started this toward the END of my day so...)
1. Attend pharmaco class but was cancelled
2. Go to the market and get onions and potatoes
3. Read up on anxiolytics, local anaestatics and antihypertensive drugs
4. Check for new Bleach episode (241) and download if available
5. Cook for the next 5 days

5 snacks I enjoy:
1. Pastries
2. Pineapple tarts
3. Ice-cream (tho taken rarely now a days...)
4. Chocolate (taken rarely)
5. French fries

5 things I would do if I were a billionaire:
1. Bank it in to get interest so I get more money. Thus, I work when I only want to
2. Buy myself a nice traditional house in the country-side of Japan
3. Donate to the St. Jo Cathedrial
4. Bring my parents and brother to USA to visit my sister
5. Travel round the world and shopp at every branded store, shoe shop, butique of the country I visit

5 of my bad habits:
1. Hot headed
2. High expectations in others
3. Having a sharp tongue
4. Disregarding people's feelings since I can't connect with my own
5. Easily getting annoyed with everyone

5 places I have lived/stayed a night in:
1. KLIA
2. Santubong
3. Bangkok
4. Shah Alam / KL
5. Nizhniy Novgorod, Russia

5 things I will do after complete what im busy wif:
1. After finals, sleep, watch all the series put on pending, relaxing at the mall or on the streets
2. After Med school will be housemanship
3. After housemanship will be MD and or / specialist course
4. After classes, I take a nap
5. After the days activities, I visit my friend to play with her cat

5 people I tag:
1. Su Xu Vin
2. Fatimah Othman
3. Azli bin Nasiruddin
4. Farahani Nabila
5. .......... can't think of anyone else

time now : 10:30 pm.

Philosophycal thoughs??

2009-09-27T10:39:00.001-07:00

Birth is a beginning, Freedom is a human right, Honour is a respect given n received, Respect must be earned,Tradition is a heritage to be cherished, Friendship is a bond made between you and I, Drivers licence is a trust, Work is a fulfilment, True love is a rare gem, a Spouse is a treasure found, Marriage is a life commitment, a child is a blessing from God, and Death is an end in this world but a beginning in the etenal.

A wonderful breath!!!

2009-09-27T10:20:00.000-07:00

I always seem to be running; running from problems, emotions I'm reluctant to face, running towards a goal, to the finish line. Even when I'm standing still, I seem to be rushing. I know time awaits no one, but there's no point to keep running all the time. I'd like to just stop and breath, without the worry of time passing by, of which I have to chase. Breath...

I forgot all that was bothering me. Even if just for a moment, a few precious hours, I was flying free. Not tied down or burdened by problems, unwanted emotions and annoyance. For once in a long time, I breathed. I wasn't running against the ticking of time, I wasn't running away from any problems as they were all melted away. I wasn't running to finish something or to reach a goal. For once in a long time, I was walking WITH time, enjoying each step, and taking each breath deeply and steadily. As cliche as is may sound, I took the time to smell the roses.

For the first time since I arrived in Russia, I laughed till I cried talking to midget. And of all things, it was over something so stupid... a light bulb. Lol. And for what felt like years, I was actually comfortable with someone I have only met briefly. I actually felt like I was in my own skin. I was walking with a spring in my step. I had a genuine smile on my face, something that I have seemed to forget. A smile that was not a pretence, a smile that was not hiding anything behind it. It was genuinely a smile from the heart.

Although it was short lived, this precious moment of true enjoyment, it is something I will remember and will serve as an oasis when I start running again. Something to look forward to since if it happened today, it will surely happen again.

River on a Canvas

2009-09-09T10:35:00.000-07:00

I wish life was like a quiet river; calm, slow, smooth and steady. Unfortunately, tho it may be a quiet river, even they have their rough areas, just like life. Slow, calm, smooth and steady life may seem, but like it or not, it gets bumpy here and there. Should I fight the current? Or just go with the flow? Should I worry I may drown and loose myself? Or should I accept it all and flow? Doens't matter because the right question is; can I?

Can I let go if the instict which craves consistency? An instict which prefers stability? Can I just surrender all resistance and leave destiny to take over without question? Somehow, I don't think I can. Somehow I don't think I want to. Control over the choices I make is the only thing I have control over. The choices I make are mine to make and mine alone. Take that away and what is left? I cannot live my life knowing that every choice that comes my way will be made by others. I am my own person.

But fighting the current is hard and exhausting. Where is my will to fight? It is burried under the dust and dirt of disappointments, tears, anger and loss. So what drives me on? I'm still moving forwards even if the steps I take are small and heavy. What is that drive? The inability to surrender is one reason. The other; vengeance. I will have my vengeance on those who have disturbed the smooth, calm flow of the river. My river. I will protect what I cherish most despite the means.

Do I oppose change? Change which just changes the path of the river but not it's quality of flow is welcomed if favourable. Change in life is unavoidable. Why fight a mundane battle? It will only cause turbulance in that smooth flow which I cherish.

My river has changed paths many times. I have made my choices in life, though short it may be. Some I have regretted but have done no harm, some have yet to be seen. I will protect what I cherish most; be it my way of life, friends or family. For if they are gone, for if I have nothing to protect, then my existance will be a lonely and sad one. It may not have the constant vibrant colour splashed all over its canvas, nor does it have the artful strokes of a master painter, but what it has is the steady flow of the brush with warm and cool colour intermingling with harmony. The picture of my river will remain the same in the sense of its quality but what will change is its course. Where to? Only time will tell.

PAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-06-26T11:40:00.000-07:00

YES!!!! I'm FREE!!!!

25th June was the last day of exam. While I have stayed up ALL night trying to fit everything else that I haven't prepared into my already conjested brain, nothing went in... nothing much anyways. So 25th came and GOD was I nervous. I knelt in front of my crucifix and prayed HARD for my questions to be something I have learnt!

Boy, was I dancing my way out of the exam room. Ok. So I didn't get an excellent mark but hey, a good is good enough for physiology. :P Yes, my questions were easy just that I forgot the name of the centre located in the pons that controls the respiration rate, hence, my 4. Owh well... it was better than I thought I'd get. I thought that the teacher will either fail me or just give me a passing mark. So yes, a 4 was delightful, which explained why I was dancing my way out of the exam room. :D

So after all those weeks of stress (lost 5kg because of that) :P right after that exams was done, I was out SHOPPING!!!! Then there was the graduation party in the 1st hostel. hehe... study hard, party hard!!!! I literally partied from dusk till dawn... WOHOO!!!!

And since I'll be here for half my summer, I'm sure they'll be more parties to keep me relatively occupied and entertained.

Have fun ya'll. I know I am!!!!!!!!!!

Untitled

2009-06-24T12:44:00.000-07:00

Does love exist?
I believe it does.

I do not want a fairytale love story,
For it will never come.
I do not want a Jane-Austen love story,
For reality is not so kind.
I search for a simple love story,
Where I believe love exists.

Do I know what love is?
I don’t think I do.

For all the books of love in the world,
For all the poetry of love in the world,
For all the vows of love in the world,
I still do not know what love is.

Can I love you?
I hope I will find the courage.

Love is never easy,
Love is not always kind,
Love will not always be a bed of roses,
But persevere, and it will blossom.

Can I say I love you?
Shyness prevents me from doing so.

I have never loved a man before,
I have never professed my love before.
I await your approach which may not come,
Do I tell you, do I wait, or do I let go?

How long have I felt this way?
Silently for two years now.

We first spoke at a doorway,
Friendly, entertaining, intriguing, warm
I watched you from afar,
Approaching, but never more… till now

Will you accept my feelings?
I pray you do.

Fear keeps me from telling,
For once it is said,
It cannot be taken back

Will I find the meaning of love with you?
Only time will tell.
God has His plans for you and I,
What are they, we can never know.
So, I leave it in His hands and wait
For time will reveal our future.

I cannot say I love you,
Because I do not know if this is love.
I cannot say I love you,
Because I do not know what love means.

All I can say is that I like you.
The ‘like’ I mean is not a liking between friends,
The ‘like’ I talk about and feel,
It the liking between a woman and a man
I like you now as a friend, but also as a man.

For nearly two years,
You have haunted my dreams and thoughts.
For nearly two years,
I have laughed and joked with you,
while silently and painfully falling for you

Shall I stay quiet, so we remain friends?
Or shall I tell and we become strangers?
Shall I stay quiet and wait for you?
Or shall I tell, before someone else takes you?

If I should speak those words to you,
I dare not think what your reply would be.
I pray that you will accept my feelings,
But that is all in your hands.

If I should speak those words to you,
Please understand that it was not easy.
For it requires all the courage I have in me,
And maybe even more than I have.

If I should speak those words to you,
I shall await your reply.
For you need time to think and decide,
But know I cannot keep waiting on you.

Innocense and Pureness of Love??

2009-06-16T09:25:00.000-07:00

Yes, I’m in the midst of my exam preparation and yet, I still find the time to watch movies. I just watched ‘Pride & Prejudice’ again for the 5th time. I love the movie. I love the book. But like all Jane Austen’s book, it tells about the same thing and even the same plot. If you’ve read or watched ‘pride & Prejudice’, her other books, namely ‘Sense & Sensibility’ (even the title’s about the same!) and ‘Wuthering Heights’ are about the same.

So you might wonder if I’m saying that her books are rather boring in the sense that the plot is more or less the same, why do I bother to read them or even watching ‘Pride & Prejudice’ over and over again. And come on, do I strike you as a romantist? I suppose that my answer would be because I wonder if such love/romance still exists in this world of sex, money and infidelity.

In this world, a kiss does not seem to mean much anymore. In books and movies like Jane Austen’s, a kiss is something big, something to be taken seriously. A kiss says a lot about how the girl accepts the man’s love and how committed is the man to have her. When I say have here, it does not mean just to have sex with her but to actually enter into marriage with her, and all that from a single, innocent kiss. Jane’s Austen’s world paints a picture of a love so innocent and pure, that I wonder if it actually existed or is it just a fantasy of an author. A simple touch conveys so much. A man respects a woman for more than her beauty but of course her beauty is what catches his eyes in the first place; His endless pursue for her love and affection; His dedication towards her; His respect for her feelings through his choice of words and action; Her shyness and pureness.

Maybe it really is all just a fantasy. A love so innocent and pure. Innocent that there is no/minimum sexual contact and pure that it survives through anything and that it is deep. A love where the man initiates everything and the woman either rejects or accepts.

Maybe it was possible then, when social moral was different from our world today. Would I have liked to live in Jane Austen’s time? Maybe. If my life went as it is told in her books. If there is such a love in this world, I would like to find it. If there is such a love in this world, it is to be cherished for it is rare and special. I am not looking for a drama in romance; life is already hard to begin with, why add more drama? All I’m looking and hoping for is the innocence and pureness of love. The guy in my story doesn’t have to come to my rescue in white shining armour on a horse battling with an antagonist to win my heart, or own an estate with millions to his name, or pursue me to the ends of the earth.

Simplicity, dedication, affection, loyalty, and reliability would suffice but I suppose even that is asking too much :D

Reminiscing moments

2009-06-13T07:47:00.000-07:00

Today, while studying late night again, I decided to watch the sun rise. It was nothing special since it was raining during the night and that it was still cloudy as the sun rose. Nevertheless, it was a beautiful sight. The air was cooled by the night’s rain and as usual, it was windy. The ground was still wet and the smell of grass, ever so prominent or should I say fragrant? Or maybe reminiscing? The morning’s coolness and grassy smell reminded me of my village back in Penakub, Mukah. Of course there was the absence of the river’s scent and the scent of wood. But it was as quiet as the sun rise I saw there; everyone still asleep or quietly moving around as not to wake others up. How I miss those times back in the village with my whole family…

This morning smells a little like home. This morning feels a lot like home on a Sunday morning, after church. Another one of those blessed reminiscing moments. I pray and hope it will last the whole day, but then again, wouldn’t know if it did, since I’ll sleep most of my daylight away. I’m starting to be nocturnal again… hehe

Artificial life support. Yes or No?

2009-05-19T14:27:00.000-07:00

I’m currently reading a book (eBook actually, since I’m too cheap to actually BUY the book) entitled “Life and Death in ICU”. It’s a really good book for doctors/surgeons-to-be or even those interested in medicine. While, it doesn’t give the full picture or even half the picture of the responsibilities of doctors/surgeons, one who plans to take up medicine should read it.

The thing that I found interesting (I find the whole book interesting) is the decision to prolong a patient’s life by artificial support. . Artificial life support may also include the administration of drugs to sustain life and not just machines. While being an atheist would make this decision making SO much easier, I am a Catholic; maybe not a devoted one but still I hold on to its teachings. The Bible teaches that we must cherish a life, or in the 10 commandments; do not commit murder (Exodus 20:13 and Deuteronomy 5:17). So, one should not take another life. Yes, but what is the definition of life? For me life in medical sense would be performing the basic functions of life ON YOUR OWN; breathing, eating, etc. But for patients who are gravely ill, they are usually hooked to machines; a ventilator to breath for the patient, dialysis, etc (my medical knowledge is still not enough). They may even have a feeding tube shoved down their throats. They lie on the bed, not moving, not conscious.

Being a doctor, one would have made a pledge to do everything one can do to save a life. But does saving a life should mean keeping a patient on life support when the prognosis is bad? I’m sure patients who are hooked to machines and with tubes in them are in terrible pain; pain that I cannot imagine, nor would I want to experience. Knowing myself, what ever the pain the patient is going through would probably not affect me very much. Since I cannot imagine, nor have I ever experienced such pain, I cannot relate to the patient’s suffering. So, my duties as a doctor would probably continue on as usual. Yes, I am not very emphatic. So, keeping the person on life support through all the pain he/she is probably going through, even if the chances of surviving with a meaningful quality of life is dim, my conscience would most likely not be bothered. My life continues on as usual. I have no emotional ties to the patient, my obligation to do everything I can to save his/her life is fulfilled.

But here’s the twist to my post. What if you’re/I’m not the doctor? What if you’re/I’m the patient and in another situation the loved one? If I’m the patient, being hooked up to machines with nearly no chances for surviving with a MEANINGFUL quality of life, I’d rather that the plug be pulled and be sent home to die or if not home, then just being shifted to comfort care. I would not put the doctor in a tight spot of committing murder (euthanasia) since all he/she is doing is just removing all artificial support. By God’s will, I will either live or die. By God’s will, I will either start breathing on my own, and miraculously improve or just drift off to my death. Either ways, it’s by God’s will. Nature has to take its course at one point or another and artificial life support is just standing in the way. The inevitable is still there, just due to life support, the journey is prolonged, together with the suffering. So yes, I would not want to be hooked to life support if the result of my recovery lands me in a nursing home, a vegetable or without a stomach, spleen, part of a pancreas lopped off, etc; without a meaningful quality of life.

If I were the loved ones, I would not know what I’d do. While deciding to pull the plug on myself would not be hard, since it is my decision and I am sure about it, pulling the plug on a loved one (mother, father, husband, sister, brother, etc) is not as easy. When you love someone, it is always hard to let him/her go. But even so, my principle still stands. Better ease the pain then keeping him/her (the patient) on life support ONLY if surviving meant that there is NO meaningful quality of life. I would not want to see my loved ones suffering just to prolong the inevitable when their quality of life is meaningless if they survive. If they have already expressed their decision of a DNR (do not resuscitate) or expressed their wish not to be on life support when there is no hope, then I will honour that choice.

But although I am saying this right now, when placed in the situation itself, I do not know what I will do for my loved ones. Will I be able to let go? Or will I persist till the end even if it meant them suffering through it all? I don’t know. I do not wish to be placed in that position.
Of course there are other factors influencing my decisions such as financial, disagreement amongst other family members, etc. But the main factor of this post is the emotional factor. What would you do and why and how would you feel if (a) you are the doctor, (b) you are the patient, (c) you are the relative? Would you choose artificial life support?

Returning... Forgiving yes, forgetting? NEVER

2009-05-17T11:21:00.000-07:00

Two more weeks to June. While I have gotten my exemption from one exam, I still have 3 to go... but better than the full 4. Thank God.

After a full 2 month of going AWOL on God, I have somehow finally found my way back to Him and the church. No I didn't completely deserted Him, I still believed, my faith was still there, but for some reason, I just felt distant from Him. So I stopped attending mass, etc. BUT, I attended yesterday's evening mass at 'my' small Catholic church and just morning at the protestant church, the Calvary Church. I don't understand the need for so many different protestant churches, but which ever suits an individual, by all means, go ahead. Same teaching anyways. But as for me, I'll stick to the Catholic Church. It's my home. Can't abandon it no matter what. :P

I learned another lesson today. Never trust an African guy. No, seriously. DON'T. Ok... maybe it's unfair to group one whole gender of a race based on a few of them, but honestly speaking, as far as I can see here, it's a very vivid and constant pattern amongst the African guys here. While some of those I know are reliable and trustworthy, some are just shit. No, I'm not talking about love, or anything like that. I'm talking about simple responsibility when handling someone elses property and punctuality.

My conclusion is that, I should NEVER expect an African to be punctual, NEVER expect the guys to be responsible or reliable for that matter, and NEVER lend anything out to a guy since it'll just cause tons of problems getting the thing back on time.

I admit, it is my fault for trusting them and I shall NEVER make that mistake again. While the bible says forgive, I don't think it says, fall for the same mistake twice. So yes, while I'm seething, feeling rather murderous right now and imagining ways to get back at those bastards, I will forgive, and try my best to not hold a grudge. But, as I have said, I shall NEVER lend anything out to them ever again.

Advice to Midget's questions :P

2009-05-05T03:45:00.000-07:00

human emotions r complex.

Of course they are. Those are the things that makes us humans. Those are the things that makes us who we are. Those are the things that gives each one of us headache's trying to interpret and understand. I think I'll just leave it as it is till I actually HAVE to deal with it. Since I'm best when I'm emotionally detached.

they drive u to do the craaaaaaaaazzzzziest things that no tots could ever phantom. except for ur own.

Everything you do has a reason. It may not be rational, but it's still a reason. Trust me... I have done CRAZY things. But without those crazy things, life would be SO boring. Without those crazy things, it means your taking life too serious. Our mistakes are he fun things in life. It may not be fun at THAT particular time you made it, but if you look back, it'll teach you loads and the common question pop's to mind: What the HELL was I thinking??!! hehe... my life's been fun. I'd admit that.

things that hurt but wil heal.

So sure that things that hurt will heal? Time doesn't heal pain (emotional). Who ever said that, hasn't felt real pain. But what time can do is make it hurt less. You won't forget it. It won't completely go away. But you learn to live with it. That's all you can do.

things that you regret but wil make up to.

What's done is done. No point regretting. Actually no point thinking about it once it's done. Lament on it for maximum one day. Then step forward. If you need to say sorry, then say it. I you don't think you do, just say it anyways. Sacrifice your pride for your conscience.

things that only God knows y u did and later u probably wonder y u did it too.

God only knows why and then you wonder why you did it yourself. First Q you should ask yourself: Was I under the influence??? If you were then it's better not to know WHY you did what you did. It'll just get even more depressing. Just tell yourself: My neurons were mis-firing. Info was brought to the wrong places. Either too many info was collected or too few. Either ways, my judgement was impared. :P Here's an advice for those who are under the influence (in the past, present or future). What ever is said during that time, leave it at that room, leave it at that night, and never bring it up. While it is true that what ppl say under the influence is MOSTLY the truth, there is a reason why your rationality keeps it hidden. Safer for you and the other party.

Drink (do drugs - please don't!) get drunk, talk, bare your soul, have fun. After that, just get home, sleep it off, (tea helps for hangovers :D) then FORGET what was said and done.

things that drive ppl up the wall trying understand which aspect of ur nature it was that drove u towards that direction.

The last one I don't really understand. Some things take time to understand. Takes MUCH more time to understand a person. Don't rush it. Take it at an easy pace. Don't dwell on it too long at one time. You'll find the answer eventually without being drived up the wall

i. am trying to understand.this isn't an emotional post. it is just filled with questions. my questions. which i wonder how long it'll take for me to get an answer. well. questions are better than condemn.n i thought i could judge.

Don't wonder how long it'll take you to find an answer to life's question (in this case, emotional questions). Why? Cuz it'll just make it more excrutiatingly longer.

Don't really agree about questions are better. More questions, more problems. Unfortunately, comming up with problems and questions are easy but coming up with the answers are hard. Since you can't have ALL the answer to life, why would you want more questions to life? Live life as it is. One day at a time. Stop wondering what could be or what could have been. Just trust God and step forward :D

What or whom are you trying to judge?

This is a rather optimistic post considering that I'm the one who wrote it. Ah well... This is what I've learnt since elementary school till now. It has never been wrong and it has never failed me. Only when it does, will I start thinking of a new solution.

He died!!!! OMG!!!

2009-04-29T11:37:00.000-07:00

Ok... talk about suspense!!!

I was seaching online to download ebooks. Yes, I am cheap. I admit it. I rather seach the internet and download ebooks and either read them on my notebook or print them out THAN actually buying the book. Hey, what can I say. I'm stingy and poor. :D

So anyways, while searching for my favourite fantasy fiction books, I decided to check up on the wheel of time series that I've been waiting but seem to have forgotten :P While trying to find the title of the 12th and final book, I came across the news that the author died. No, my first thoughts wasn't 'What a pity, he's dead'. My thoughts were 'WHAT THE HELL?? HE DIED?? Without finishing the series to boot??!!! Man, that SUCKS BIG TIME'

The book was ok. Lots of new concepts to imagine, interesting but lots of twists and turns. But nevertheless, I WAS interested in the series. I read the 11th book some years ago (2 years, I think) and I was holding my breath at the end of it. I coudln't wait for the next to come out. But now, since the dude is dead, it's left unfinished. He wrote the 12th book halfway before passing away. Yes, may his soul rest in peace...

But, the series!!!! I'll never know how it'll end. Damn the suspence. What a wonderful time to choose to die... ok, that was insensitive. Sigh...

Law's of men, nature and God

2009-04-28T09:07:00.000-07:00

Everything is governed by a law or system. Without it, everything falls apart. The galaxy moves according to the Laws of gravity. Our solar system circles also according to this law and so does the planets and moons in the solar system. Nature has its own law (Survival of the fittest) has it's own rhythm (night and day, seasonal changes, rise and fall of the tides). Each contry is goverened by it's own political system, be it democratic, republic, communism, socialism, etc. Our human body is working according to its own specific law as you would know (medic ba) down to cellular level or even more detailed. Point being...??? Same as your's. Everything and everyone depends on a system. Without it everything will be in chaos. Without it, you and I won't even be here.

So, what is our Law? Yes, we have judicial law, commerse laws, political laws, etc. Name it and we have it all. But are all these Law enough for us? Yes, they're probably enough to keep the peace between everyone but what about our eternal soul? Politics, commerse, justice, medicine, etc does not apply to our soul. They are all material. Can you touch your soul, see it? But of course, you do believe you have a soul right? Even an atheist believes so. But since all these laws do not apply to our eternal soul, then why is it still attached to us and why is it still existing? Nothing can exist without a system/law. Thus, for our eternal soul, God's law is it's system.

But as the soul can't reach out and grab a cup of coffee, or be sent to jail for any crimes (which btw, it can't commit) why should our soul bother with this God's law? Because as our flesh returns to dust, from which it was made from (from dust you were made, and to dust you shall return) the only thing left of our existance is our soul. And eternity is a LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG time. You think 80 years is long?? HAH!!

Why should we bother about the condition of our soul? According to God's law, what your fleshly being has committed, your eternal shoul shall pay the price. While yes, if you killed a man, you get trialed and then sent to prison... say maybe, 10 years. You get out, you continue on with your life. BUT do you think that is it? That spending 10 years in prison attones you of your sins of having taken another life? Hell no. That sin will haunt you to the day you die and to the after life. If you have regretted and surrendered yourself to God, then good for you. Merciful is our God that He will never forsake those who surrenders himself to Him. But say you don't believe in God. You think that that 10 years was enough as attonement. Your flesh decays and life as you know it ends. But your eternal soul shall carry that burden with it throughout eternity. Burning in the fires of hell.

So yes, an eternity of punishment is NOTHING to look forward to. Thus, for the sake of our eternal soul, we should always preserve God's law. No, I do not literally mean soaking the Bible/Quran/Torah/etc in formalin. I meant observing what was written by God. What is forbiden, don't do. What is allowed, obey.

As for the question of gray areas, that depend on your own religion. Each religion has its own gray areas and how to handle them.

God created us in His image. So who is God? God is a being who has knowledge, affections, executive will and can act on His beliefs to achieve His end. Yea... but what does it mean? God has knowledge... well DUHH!!! The guy created the universe and us. I'd think He has one huge store of knowledge. God as affections. He loves us so much that He gave is His only son, Jesus Christ/Isa saw. For us Christians, Jesus died on the cross for us and being the Holy Trinity, it was as though God sacrificed Himself for us. I don't know about Islam but the point is that God (Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, etc) love us so much that He is willing to forgive us AS LONG AS we surrender to Him. God has executive will, in other words, free will. He is free to choose to give life, bless you, end your life, etc. God can act on His beliefs to achive His goal. He believed that humans needed a saviour. He sent prophets, and last of all, He sent His own Son. (He sent prophets and Muhammad according to Islam). So, I repeat, in His image were we made. Thus, we have knowledge, though limited; we have affections, though mostly conditioned; we have free will, hence we keep making mistakes; we can act on our beliefs to achieve our goal, we built some pretty amazing things over the centuries. But we must remember that we are only in His IMAGE!! Thus, we must humble ourselves and remember that we do not control everything, that we cannot live without God, that everything that happens is according to God's will. Can we create life?? Preposterous!! No one has that right and no one will have that right exept God. Cloning is not a creation of life. It is a copy of life... a defaulted one at that. Stem cell research, cloning, etc... we are getting ahead of ourselves. Actually... I'm getting ahead of topic. Point is, yes, we are created in God's image. Yes, we are governed by God's law. Thus, following that Law is the only path for us. Reminding ourselves that we are only IMAGES of God, we should not get carried away by our own knowledge and abilities. What was given by Him, can be taken away by Him if He wills.

Would the world be a better place if everyone followed God's law and not the Law of men? Maybe, maybe not. Because of free will, we have the right to choose what we believe in. Thus, we have many religions. You believe in what you choose and I believe in what I choose. I have heard your words, and you have heard mine. In the end, the choice is still yours. But all religion teaches one fundamental thing. BE GOOD. Not one religion in the world that teaches a person to be bad. So if everyone follows God's Law we'd have peace in the Middle East, World peace? Again, I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. I can't even speculate. When the world was divided according to religion and not political views, there was still war all over. The last quoted verse from the Quran only applies if everyone chooses one religion, which is impossible.

Yes, everything good is from God but not everything bad is from Satan or fleshly yearnings. The age old question of why bad things happen if there's still a God can be easily answered if you believe in Him. What good would a father do if he provides everything for his children to the point that they don't have to work for ANYTHING in life? Nothing. Same thing with God. If God gave you everything you wanted, you wouldn't work for what you want. That'll just be God enabling your every whim. You get a really spoilt, insolent brat. God gives us opportunities. He opens a door for us. If we work hard enough, we will be rewarded. But don't think that every hard work deserves it's rightful reward. Do you know when you're trying your best? I don't think so. Only God know's your limits. He was the one who created us before we were even conceived in our mother's womb. He knew how you'd look like, what you'll grow up to be and when you'll return to Him. He knows EVERYTHING about you. So if you think that that was your best, and you don't get what you want, maybe it isn't your best yet. Or maybe, you were not suppose to have it. God's trying to tell you, try something else. This ain't for you. So, if God knows EVERYTHING about us, couldn't He prevent us from going astray? Of course He can. I'm sure He tried. Look back in your life and try telling me that you have NEVER felt God trying to help you. You're still breathing aren't you? That's proff enough. He send someone to help us; a friend, our parents, our teachers, etc. But because we have free will (one thing that cannot be taken away from us) we make the wrong decisions.

Bad things happen. Famine. Tsunami. Earthquakes. Volcanic eruptions. War. Diseases. Simple answer to that. SHIT HAPPENS. Someone dies in the war, he's time has come. Someone dies of a disease, it's his time. A baby is born dead, it was his time. Destiny isn't always sweet, pretty and nice. It's a double edged sword. Destiny is determined by God. It's still a double edged sword. Ever heard of Yin and Yang? Balance. Even God has to balance out everything. If your life is easy and blessed, then God loves you. Good for you. If your life is hard and messed up, then God still loves you. Tough for you, but you are those few who God wants to see grow the most. Without difficulties, humans can't grow. So, you were dumped in that situation to grow. If a person's life was hard... say he was born terribly poor, parents divorced, raped, abused, living on the streets, etc... He tried to get a better life, failed and died of some disease or gets hit by a bus. Doesn't matter how he died, point is he dies. What would you think? God was being mean? God wasn't there? There's no God at all? God forsaken him? First thoughs of mine would be those listed, but think again and I wonder, maybe he was a martyr. His hardship a reminder to help others. His effors, an inspiration. His death, a reminder of how short our life could be and that in death, we return to our God where all suffering disappears. He's there with God and you're still struggling down here. Who's having it easier? What is God's will, is God's will. Be thankful for what you have received, be it good or bad.

We make the wrong choices because of ourselves. Easily influenced by Satan. Easily taken over by our fleshly yearnings. Surrendering to God doesn't mean that you leave everything to Him. While you believe that what will happen will happen according to His will, it doesn't mean you sit around and do nothing. You'll have to do your part. You leave you life in His hands. Even if He wills you to live, but you don't do your part by taking care of yourself; personal hygiene, exercise, looking both ways before crossing the street, you'd still get yourself killed. So while you leave everything in God's hands, you still have to work hard to achieve what you want, and to take care of yourself.

Exceptions to Laws only come to play when there is a special case. Special cases are hard to determined. I'm not a theologist, so I can't say much about this part.
Ahh... the wonderful statement: Return to your God, the creator of life. Returning to Him (in my understanding) is that you obey His law, you live your life FOR Him, you do His works, and while doing ALL these, you do it with your whole heart. Not just becuase you HAVE too, but because you WANT to. That you freely choose to do His will, without expecting anything from Him. We usually use the word return because, initially, you were His. He made you. He breathed life into you. He enabled your safe entrance into this world. You were born with a white sheet. Purest of the purest white. Unblemished, intainted. Not a single spot. But as you grew up, you start moving away from Him. At one point in your life, you have doubted Him. Many times in your life, you have disobeyed Him. Once in your life you have committed blesphamy. Can you say that you have NEVER, not once in your life, committed one of these things? Everyone has. Even the most religious of religious have done so. Peter, the first Pope, denounced Jesus 3 times. I'm sure there's something else similar (not Peter, not this example but others) in the Quran, Torah,etc. Point is everyone has sinned in his life. Sinning is turning from God's Law or God himself. Thus, when you decide to come back to Him, it is said that you RETURN to Him. You were once blind and now you see. You were once lost, and now you are found.

By the way, for readers who have no idea what I'm talking about or what I'm relating to, please refer to http://syntahstylo.blogspot.com/2009/04/law-of-gutto-law-of-god.html
This is actually a comment to my friend's post. But as it is so long, linking was easier.

Prayer from the Heart

2009-04-26T23:49:00.000-07:00

Dear beloved and dearest Jesus,
To Thee, who has stood by me,
Come rain, come thunder
You, my Lord, have never forsaken me

Once, I have lost my faith,
Once, I have lost my belief,
Once, I have lost my sight
Once, I was lost...

Before, I was blinded by worldly things,
Before, I was blinded by lust,
Before, I was blinded by confidence,
Before, I was blind

The passage of time
has stained the snow,
What was once the purest white,
is now blemished by the world

The turn of the wheel
has beed charged with theft
What was once childish innosence
is now tarnished by the world

My innocence, gone,
My purity, stained.
My worthiness, questionable,
My salvation, slipping

Yet, never once have you left my side
Yet, never once have you condemned me,
Always, waiting as seasons passed
Always, forgiving every slight

I was blind, but now I see
I was lost, but now I'm found
I have knocked, and the door was opened
I have asked, and you have answered

My love blows hot and cold,
ever changing like the sea
But your love remains strong,
as true and constant as your words.

My faith wavers, never firm
often teetering at the edge
But you faith in me never shakes
as enduring as your existance

My Saviour who died for me,
an unworthy servant

My Lord, the son of God Almighty,
who came down to earth

My Salvation as my sins were paid in full
the day you died upon that cross

My Shepherd who would search to the ends of the earth
for one lost lamb

My Advocate, who will defend me
when I stand at Heaven's gate

My Sanctuary who shelters and gives me rest
when I can no longer fight

My shield who protects me without fail
from Satans hold

My sword who fights against false Gods
to keep my path straight

The alpha and the omega,
who was, who is, and who is to come

Son of the Almighty, made flesh
Died on the cross in return for our salvation

As a sinner, I beg your forgiveness
As a human, I seek your protection
As a woman, I seek your blessing
As a student, I seek your guidance

As a daughter, I pray for my parents
As a sister, I pray for my siblings
As a friend, I pray for my friends
As myself, I pray for my salvation

Amen

2009-03-30T02:14:00.000-07:00

Look. There in the horizon,
Where earth meets the heavens
As celestial meets vale
The divider of two worlds.

At the break of a new day, rises the sun
Owh, what a beautiful sight it is!!
It breaths freshness, newness in the world
Owh, Blessed be! The wonders of God!

Look. There in the horizon,
Where a ray of light, pierces the morning dew
As a ray of heavenly light, piercing death's shadow
The defender of despair.

At the break of a new day, sets the moon
Owh, Blessed be! I have found my hope!!
It lifts my heart, the oasis of lost hope
Owh, Blessed be! The works of the Almighty!

Look. There in the horizon,
Where the sky and earth meet
As air meets dust,
The seam of two paradox

At the day's end, sets the sun
Owh, what a glorious sight it is!!
It brings beauty in this vale of tears
Owh, what refreshing breath it is!!

Look. There in the horizon,
Where the sun paints its magnum opus
The sky its infinite canvas; us. its ephemeral audience
The chef d'oeuvre of God's beauty

At the day's end, appears the stars
Owh, what an innocent sight it is!!
It adorns the flawless pearl, like immaculate diamonds
Owh, what ethereal beauty it is!!

2009-03-24T12:03:00.000-07:00

The sky is gray and the air, cold
I see no silver lining this time round

My body is heavy, my heart, empty
I feel no happiness this time round

Time marches on, it awaits no one
As cold as death, it pities no one

As the hands of time moves on,
So does lives hurry on
For they sway hand in hand
Like dancers in a ballroom

But yet, here I stand, silent and still
Watching... watching the passing of time

Watching in silent and loss

As life passes me by in a hazy blur

Unmoving, unchanging,
held down by the claws of despair
Emotionless, hopeless,
cursed by the shadow of darkness

Why... ... ...?
Why can't I move?
Where is my will? My strength?

Ah... I remember now,
They left me, an empty shell
That moment you stepped out the door
Without a word, without a glance

You left me all alone, used.
You left me without hope, dried up
You left me without sanity, confused
You left me to rot and die!!!

I wish not for your return
I wish not for your heart
I wish for your misery!
And I wish nothing more than your death!

May flames burn the flesh from your bones,
slowly but surely, I wish you death!
May your heart be pierced a thousand times,
so you would know a small portion of my pain!

Owh, how I wish to see you suffer
Owh, how I wish you dead
And yet, somehow, somewhere
A part of me freely lets go

... ... ... Inescapable ... ... ... Definite ... ... ... Undeniable ... ... ...

2009-03-21T13:30:00.001-07:00

Have you felt loneliness that makes you wonder if you are the only one in this world?
A loneliness as if everything and everyone moves on without you? That you are the only one standing stationary, watching? Watching the lives of others.
A loneliness where the people you meet are faceless? They pass by, not noticing, not caring. They just walk on and you just stand watching.

Have you felt such sadness that physically hurt? Such sadness that makes you wonder, why God gave us emotions? Such sadness that even tears will not come? Such sadness where all hope seems lost? A deep sadness that cuts through your very being? Your very soul?

Have you felt such depression that you body refuses to move any longer? Such depression that leaves you at death's shadows? Such depression that your will is all broken? Such depression that makes you think God has left you? Such a deep depression that you question the reason why God created you in the first place? Such depression that you question your own purpose of existance?

Have you felt such hopelessness that you're own will has betrayed you? Such hopelessness that makes you think the end has come? Or that there is nothing that can be done but await your death? Such hopelessness that you question the reason God gave you empathy when you could not do anything? Such sad hopelessness that you give up everything; heart, body and soul?

Have you ever felt such betrayal that left you unable to trust again? Such betrayal that you start questioning every offer of help, every kindness given? Such betrayal that could not be decribed by any words? Such betrayal that cannot be erased, forgotten or forgiven?

Loneliness...

Sadness...

Depression...

Hopelesness...

Betrayal...

Can a person stand up again? Can a person continue believing in a silver lining? Can a person find a reason to live, hope and love? Can a person trust again? Can a person escape such darkness?

Loneliness...

Sadness...

Depression...

Hopelessness...

Betrayal...

... ... ... Inescapable ... ... ... Definite ... ... ... Undeniable ... ... ...

Examzzzzz........

2009-01-17T01:31:00.000-08:00

Study, study and study... really... can exams get any more stressful? I'm currently down to my last paper due next friday. Yea (said with NO enthusiasm what so ever) and it's my FAVOURITE (dripping with sarcasm) subject, anatomy. As interesting as anatomy is, it is also one of the hardest subject that I have currently done. The whole human anatomy. All 3 semesters of education lumped and rolled up in a nice package. D-day is approaching.

Yes, so I SHOULD be studying... and I will... but I'm taking a short (maybe not THAT short) and well deserved break, since afterall, I just finished an exam today. Histology is not one of my favourite subject (come to think of it, I have NO favourite subjects... :D). After a night of very restless sleep, filled with weird dreams and lots of cramming, finally came to 2 slides and 2 questions. Man!!! So microcirculatory bed, appendix and the male reproductive system wasn't so hard, but still I manage to screw one point; Why are arterioles striated. Sheesh!!!

But just when I though she'd give me a 4, she writes down a 5!!! YEA!!! Mission one, accomplished.

So, apart from to intestive cramming and studying, a student still needs to take a break and do things NOT related to studying, such as:

- waching yet another replay of House md, or Shark, or Justice. Either ways, its re-runs till my exams are over as series can be REALLY addictive and not to mention distracting. :P

- no, I'm not referring to drinking water but painting my nails. Two days before this shade of purplish pink, my nails were reddish-black. Wonder what colours next...

- a little snack since studying actually gets the stomach rumbling. Yes, I'm eating a pear WITH a spoon. The pear was juicy and I didn't fancy getting my hands all sticky. Yum!!!

- I always find it nice to make a cup of drink in between study periods. Don't get distracted too long, but still some time away from the books. Btw, that ain't tea. Yes, that a tea bag string thingi, but what tea is that colour? Its actually a mix of coffee (NOT decaffeinated) and tea. Talk about caffein overdose!!! Keeps me up and running!!!

- taking aimless and pointless pictures like this. It's a part of the view I have outside my window, aside from the view of the opposite apartment unit, which by the way, is rented by some good looking russain students... oooo.... I think the latter is a better view (blinks innocently)

- as a result of constant studying, I'm becoming reluctant to leave my room (even more reluctant that before!!). Thus, I spend all my time at my desk or my bed. There's only a pic of my desk and my bed's... lets just say, VERY occupied (blush). The table's a little tidier than before actually :P

Yes. Exams. Studies. Cramming. Revision. I can't wait till its over, then I can have my 2 weeks worth of winter break...

So, to those going through exams here with me, or even those having exams elsewhere, good luck and God bless. Here's a prayer that might come in handy... I know it does for me :D

O Great, St Joseph of Cupertino

who while on earth did obtain from God the grace to be asked during your examinations only the questions you knew, obtain for me the like favour in the examinations for which I am now preparing. In return, I promise to make you known and cause you to be invoked.

Through Christ our Lord.

Christmas Celebration... yea, yea.. I know!!! REALLY BACKDATED HERE!!!

2009-01-05T01:25:00.000-08:00

So, for us here, especially us from Nizhny Novgorod State Medical Academy, have already celebrated to birth of our beloved Lord Jesus Christ. Going back to the history of Christmas celebration here in Nizhny Novgorod, this tradition was initially started by the African students here. As the number of Malaysian students grew, slowly by slowly it was taken over by us Malaysians with of course participation from out African brothers and sisters (actually, its more like SISTERS!!!).

As last year, we decided to do a skit again. And as last year, I played the role of the devil again. Though sadly to say, my acting time in this skit was very short compared to the last. But nevertheless, it was a tremendously fun, and worth while experience.

Plot of the skit
Part I
It starts of with the depiction of a guy, torn between committing suicide or not and the devil near him trying really hard to persuade him to take his life. The devil here is my accomplice played by Liong, a first year. The suicidal guy (Raymond Lau) was saved by Jesus (Raj). And of course that pissed us devils. So we ended up torturing poor Jesus and crucified him on the cross. I, as the second devil, did the whipping and helped with the crucifixion, and of course pierced the side of Jesus.

The two devils... My accomplice seriously looks scary... Makeup courtesy of me!!!

Part II
While Jesus lay dead, and us devils, casting our ‘spells’ around him, behind us is a girl (Rose) standing on two rocks (Ian and someone) looking and searching desperately for a helping hand. All this while, the guy who Jesus saved was praying at a corner. So, then Jesus wakes up and we devils were frightened and kinda ran off and died. Ahaha… But at the instant Jesus woke up, the girl falls from the rock and Jesus was there to save her. Jesus then, carries her on his back, while being in the crucifix position and then lets her down and asks her to go help and save the guy. All ends with the guy and the guy clinging to Jesus while He was crucified.

The two devils and the suicidal guy...

What does it all represents and mean?
Well, it is not very hard to understand the skit. Devils doing there purpose here on earth to lead us astray from God. God sends His only beloved son, not to condemn the world but rather that we may be saved. Thus, Jesus saves the suicidal guy. And later was tortured before being crucified. On the third day, He rose again and even after death, he was still able to save the girl (the dude is POWERFUL!!!) The scene where Jesus was carrying her while still crucified on the cross shows that he died for our sins, that he carries out sins on Himself when he willingly allowed Himself to be crucified (how great and wonderful is His love for us!!!) Through us, He works His miracles. Through us He gives a helping hand to others (the girl helping to save the suicidal guy). And of course, the big picture, no matter what, God will always win over Satan.

From left to right: Ian and someone... (oops, rocks), Rose (saved girl), Raj (Jesus), Liong (Devil I), Raymond (suicidal guy), Christabel (MC), and yours truly, EUGENIE!!!(Devil II)

With that, the climax of the evening was more or less over (for me at least). Honestly speaking, last year’s skit was much better than this (the plot) but nevertheless, it was great. My knees are very well bruised thanks to the many and long practices we had (OUCH!!!) but it was all good times. It was fun practicing with all the rest of the cast and of course our ever enthusiastic director (Justin Yong) who was always filled with lots of comments and ideas.
Aside from the skit, we also had carolling (somehow, this year carolling felt a little dead… ), praise and worship (the praise and worship team did a WONDERFUL performance this time as always :P), and later we had an A Cappella performance from Chipo and Treasure (it was sounding so wonderful!!!!)

After all the performance, like all celebrations, was the FOOD!!!! And may I say, the food was GOOD… I specially love the pineapple biscuits, who ever baked those, bless you!!! After a long time spent lining up for food, and after that the process of eating, (Farther Mario from the Catholic Parish Assumption of the Virgin Mary gave a short speech and later two Polish Sisters sang two songs – they sounded so heavenly) it was time to get down!!!!
The music, may I say was wonderful as you could dance to it even if you have NO idea how to dance!!! And yes, Malaysians being Malaysians, not all were on the dance floor getting ‘down’ but nevertheless, the number was enough so that it didn’t seem sad. :P I myself was on the dance floor (DUH) and it was FUN!!!!

With that, we ended our Christmas Celebration, though the real thing is still in 5 days to come.
Alright, I need to get my arse down to church tomorrow (after an absence of 3 months, it’s seriously HIGH time to start attending church again) and gotta get it there early as I have a long list for my confession (ohoho), so I shall end my post here.

Yea... and this was written on the night after the celebration. But unfortunately, me being me, posted it up SO TERRIBLY late that it's already a new Year... ahaha... *blush*blush*

To ya all: Happy New Year

С новым годом

あけまして　おめでとう　ございます - happiness to you on the dawn of the New Year

新年快乐 - Happy New Year... (to come!!!!!!!!!)

Why this path?

2008-11-08T14:50:00.000-08:00

Well… I haven’t seen this blog in a long time. Let’s see… the last time was about me ranting off about my mood swings and emo-ing. Hmm… appropriately odd, so it seemed.

Anyways, today got me thinking about something. No, nothing happened. Just the thoughts came to mind and I wondered a little about it. Ok… so maybe not a little but a lot. What can I do?

It kinda struck me that I have really totally no idea why I’m here. Yes, I have the reason that I all of sudden woke up in the middle of PMR, yes PMR preparations and decided that I wanna be a doctor and went head on since then. And vualah!!! I’m here in Nizhny Novgorod, Russian Federation. Not exactly the place I imagined when I was 15 but heck, I am studying to be a doctor like I wanted to, am I not? But then, what the heck is my real motivation? I mean yea, the reason why I actually got through Higher Secondary was because of the baseless dream of being a doctor. But now that I’m in med school, which is totally WAY, WAY, ABSOLUTELY, UNIMAGINABLY hard, what’s going to get me through? Honestly I can say that I am most probably the laziest person here in med school although I seem to do nothing but sit on my desk with my study material. But lately, studying have seriously became a dread… not that I was in anyway THAT passionate about studying but now it’s like the LAST thing I wanna do. Yes, I admit that I don’t exactly have a drive when studying. In the past, I study either to avoid my parents (more like my mum’s) lecture, or for an ulterior motive… like cash!! But now there’s no bait for me. Now it’s seriously pure responsibility for my own future. Man, I hate this part of growing up!!!

Then that got me thinking. I really never liked studying. If given a choice, I would never want to study. Learn, yes. Study, no. Exams, a definite NO! But that’s what the education system is all about; Exams. Right now, I’m in the mids of preparing for my anat and histo exams. Anat is a pain in the arse, actually, that’s an understatement. Aside from that, I have other subjects to juggle. And after every topic, I have a test and a pass is required to actually get off the hook of the never ending repeats and consequently whether I am allowed to take my exams or not. So, in conclusion, I realized that I’m just studying to meet my tests and exams. Just that. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s not because I want to succeed as a medical student and graduate from this blasted academy and be the best doctor, but just because I want to get it over with. I’m doing all this just because I have to and not because I want to.

Then I started thinking. Do I really wanna be a doctor? Is this what I really wanna do, or is this just a decision made out of desperation? Honestly, I never knew what I wanted to be. Even when I was telling myself through secondary school that I wanted to be a doctor, I had doubts if that was what I really wanted to be. I mean yea, I needed a goal and conveniently I woke up thinking that goal; med school then MD. I have no passion for what I’m doing here and honestly I don’t think I’ll have passion doing my duties as a doctor either. Studying here is like passing my time just because I HAVE to be doing something and not while around doing nothing. And I have a feeling that when I start working it’ll be because I HAVE to work to survive and not because doing what I do, is what I really want to. It occurred to me that I don’t have a dream. No goals. Just doing what I’m doing till the finishing line. As of where I’m standing now, I’m studying until I graduate. Why? Because I can’t think of anything else to do. I really DO HATE studying. And med school is ALL about studying. I prefer practical things. I like DOING thing and not just sit at my desk and memorize stuff. But that’s what med school is all about. Theory… for now anyways. Maybe my mum’s threat when I was in Form 1 isn’t so bad come to think of it now. I was THE LAZIEST person in Secondary 1. I did not studying what so ever. So my mum said that she’d send me off to bakery or cooking school. Of course, I didn’t really give shit about my future then (hello?? Only 13!!!) But my grades saw me through (amazingly) to Secondary 2 still in the best class but from there, my grades went up. Wasn’t because I found a passion for studying (hell NO!!) it was more that I was competitive with my classmates. That competitiveness helped me till Secondary 4 where I started to think that competing in class was kinda stupid, thought of course I still needed my grades for JPA scholarship, which seemed like the only scholarship that my SPM was worth. Unfortunately, I wasn't selected to get scholarship. Now, I’m here and all I’m thinking is God, just let me pass!! OMG!!! It’s either I’m getting THAT much lazier, or I’m heading the wrong direction in life. Not being accepted for the scholarship of course slightly affected me. Like midget and all my other friends, I did my best. I aimed for perfect results, and I achieved them. But somehow, that wasn't good enough. Excellent wasn't good enough. My best wasn't good enough. So I thought, why bother trying so hard when the average is good enough?

Maybe I’m not meant to be a doctor. Maybe this isn’t really my thing. I wish I can be like some who really love studying in med school. That everyday in class and at home, all they want is to do their utmost best to achieve that MD status. Or like my sister, who has the utmost passion in what she does. She LOVES what she's doing. But at the moment, I’m just drifting through the semester. I don’t know what I wanna do. Sure I’m proud to say that I’m in med school and that I’m doing fairly great. But I’m not so sure if this is what I really wanna do. Of course you’ll all, if not SEE me graduate, will at least hear that I graduate in the next 5 years to come and hear that I’m a doctor (some of you might end up as my patient). Even if this might not be what I really want, I can’t exactly quit can I? I can't exactly just pack and leave this path can I? So, like it or not, know it or not, sure or not concerning this, I still have to walk that painful, slow, agonizing walk till the end; graduation day. Then of course, the 30 odd years or more of employment, made worse by the possibility of romance, husband and little, miniature eugenie's running around the house driving me up the wall. Hope my kids NEVER end up growing up like me. Gave my parents a hard time, guess it'll be payback time for me then...

Hate studying. Hate studying!!!

Thought of the moment: If there's one thing I know, it is that I know NOTHING!!!!- Plato

Emotions and mood swings.

2008-10-15T11:50:00.001-07:00

Talk about mood swings!!! As a woman, there's the hormone imbalance once a month. Mood swings then are relatively understandable. But me... mmm... I can go from happy to sad at any time. I don't understand why tho.

I'm a person who either do not care about anyone or anything thats occuring around me. Yes, I have the emotional capacity of a tea spoon. The only emotions that are clear to me is anger and annoyance. These two, I have plenty of experience and I can always find the cause of these emotions. Due to my indifferent state towards everything and everyone else (those I don't really know) I find the rest of the other emotions hard to define, describe and find its cause.

Just days ago, I was filling murderous. Ok... can't say that I wanted to kill everyone in sight. Just wanted to yell at a certain person. Because of that, I was put in a bad mood and thoroughly annoyed by everyone else whether there was a basis for the annoyance or not. I wanted to yell at that person, say what I wanted to say to the persons face and even give the person a really good slap that will make is head spin and ears ring till next month. Thankfully, I did not come face to face with the person till I cooled down a little.

Few days later, I was in my lowest state. For some reason that I cannot fanthom, I felt like crying my heart out. I have absolutely no idea why I wanted to do so or why I felt so depressed. I just wanted to cry, and cry, and cry. Just wanted to go somewhere, to a quiet, dark, lonely corner and cry till my lacrimal gland could produce no more tears.

Then just today, I was unexpectedly happy. I was smilling away, my heart was light, I was all fuzzy and warm inside. The world suddenly seemed so beautiful and cheerful. Not a single dark cloud in sight (tho today was raining). It felt like my heart was blooming.

I have no idea what's going on with me. One day I feel murderous, the next depressed to the bottom then euphoric. Am I seriously having hormone imbalance which I highly doubt is the cause of all these mood swings cuz if it is, then it's been imbalanced for a LONG time.

Then there are other feelings that I have no idea what or why. I can't meet a friend (not so close anymore) without feeling highly uncomfortable, thus I tend to avoid the person. Pretending that I did not see the person. I'm even afraid of greeting the person with a simple 'hi'. What should this emotion be labeled under? I have no idea why I'm treating this person such. It can't be because I'm shy. I have spoken with the person for some time, and although we've drifted apart if I wanted to talk I wouldn't hold back. This isn't due to any romantic feelings cuz he's the last person I can see myself with. What??!!! Why??!!!

I can't feel remorse or grief for anyone. Of course I'm VERY grateful that I have not lost anyone close to me or that no once close to me has lost their loved ones. But for some reason, I can't really feel sorry for anyone. Even when the person has no money for food, I don't think that I feel sorry for the person, or pity. The help I give to the person is just an automatic reaction for me. I feel nothing but I know that I should do something. At funerals, I don't feel anything. It's like I have NO idea WHAT to feel. Someone tells me that her dear pet died and I feel nothing. The thought that comes to mind is 'Your pet died. So?' Yes, I have pets before and yes I loved them. One in particular was my favourite. A hamster named Patches. He lived a long 3 years. Terribly adorable and lovable, I would always play with him every night without fail. I loved that darn hamster. It died when I was 10. Any normal 10 year old would of course be crying over her beloved pet. But all I did was told my dad that Patches was dead, burried it in the yard and went on like nothing happened. Is there SOMETHING WRONG with me? I know I loved that thing, I know I adored that thing and I was inseperable from it, but when it died, to me it died. For me it was like the most normal thing to happen. It died. Full stop. Nothing more, nothing less.

These lack of emotions make it so hard to deal with people who actually have a bigger range of emotions than a teaspoon. Your waching machine gets taken away, so was mine. What's the big deal? People ask whether I'm annoyed at that fact, and my reply would be 'what's there to be annoyed about? Policy is policy.' We're paying 500$ extra for a practical that now isn't compulsory to even attend and I'm not even bothered cuz for me it's already paid. What can I do if we can't get a refund? Paid is paid. Someone gets emotional about her clothes going missing from the laundry service. She's pissed, annoyed and sad. Apparently she liked that blouse. I lost one too. Same thing, I liked that blouse but it never came back to me. Still, same situation but totally different reactions. She was complaining to me and whining about it. Tho I understand her situation of loosing her blouse, I can't understand her emotions over the loss of her blouse. It just a blouse. The same thing with the hamster. It's just a hamster. Are my emotions only limited to anger, annoyance, joy and depression? Is there nothing else that I can feel? Am I going to remain this cold, unmovable person who can't seem to feel what others are feeling? Who will not be able to understand a persons reason for their emotions or even undestand the emotions being expressed?

I know that I have the tendency to ignore everything and averyone. A habit I found that saves me the trouble of getting hurt by others. Don't care about them, don't get hurt by them. I don't understand my fear of getting hurt as well. When and why did I start feeling this way? What happened, I have no idea. Am I willing to change, I don't know. Do I have a reason to change? Am I bothered not feeling other emotions? At times yes, but not really. Yea sure it'll be nice to feel pure happiness, grief for someone, more emotional, feel what's the meaning of love, feel the meaning of unexpected suprise. But at the same time that I wanna feel all these, I'm rather (not completely) happy where I am.

What the hell is this post about, I have no idea. Maybe I'm just trying to entangle some thoughts and sort out some emotions. But as far as I know, I'm going round and round and round to no conclusion.

you have NO right to judge me because you understand NOTHING!!

2008-10-11T11:07:00.000-07:00

Yes as the title suggests, I'm annoyed at someone. Who? That's for me to know and for you to just ignore.

- Hi Islamist

That really hurt. I said to myself that you were just joshing around but it still felt like you meant what you said.

-You become very weird person.

I have not changed. I was the same person when you first spoke to me, and that still hasn't changed.

- really can't understand you

How can you understand me when you have only spoken to me a few times? Based on what you hear about me from others? Based on your observation of me? I am more complicated than that.

- showing to muslims that you are muslim just to be accepted

I don't have to be something I'm not just because I want to be accepted by others. If you knew me better, you would know that I don't give a shit if I'm accepted or not. Those muslims you seem to have a problem with are my friends; more a friend to me than you are to me. Why show that I'm a muslim, when I'm NOT a muslim? Do you think so low of me that I'll go to that extend just because I want to be accepted? They have already accepted me for who I am long ago, before I even knew you.

- I never change Jesus on some shit

When have I abandoned my Saviour for something else? Yes, I had my falls. Yes, I am a sinner in many ways. But all the time I did wrong, all the time everyone else including YOU were not there to see the depression I went through, I always turned to my Saviour. I may not seem or be the holiest person on earth, nor do I seem the religious type, nor can I quote verses from the Bible like you, but I have always loved God. By my sins, I repented. By my loneliness, I rediscovered the connection I numbed out when my childhood ended. By my determination, I'm walking to God the best I can. By my understanding, I try to live the way I know how. Who are you to say I abandoned my Saviour? Who are you to say I replaced Jesus for some shit? And who are you to critisize another religion?

Yes, I wore the hijab some time ago. Yes, I wore it again during Hari Raya. But why does it make me a muslim? Did the Bible have any prohibition towards a certain fashion of clothes? I know the Bible says to dress decently or at least implied it. But is it against dressing concervatively? Does wearing an attire that so happened to be used by a group of people for their religious practice, wrong? It is just a piece of cloth to them, used to cover their head as required in their religion. So, just because they use the hijab, no one else can do so or else they shall be accused of betraying their own religion?

You came to celebrate the end of Ramadhan. I dressed the same as they did. You came to celebrate because you are happy that they safely went through their obligatory fasting period. I dressed the same as they did because I wanted to respect their religion. Could you not be accused of changing your Saviour for some shit as much as I am? I do not see the difference. Should a person's religion be judged based only on the attire the person wears? Does wearing their attire make me one of them? Does it mean that an attire of another religion cannot be worn by others from a different religion? Yes, so I wore the kurung and hijab as my muslim friends, but my heart is still in love with God. Come thunder, lightning and rain, it will NEVER change.

You have a muslim friend, but you make fun of his religion. What right do you have to do so? Did the Bible not teach us better than that? You have NO right to judge me when you do not understand. You have never asked me for the reasons to my actions. You formulated your own conclusions without any knowledge of the truth. So, how can you judge me when you don't know the truth? You have NO right to judge me when you know NOTHING!!

Atam yang comel (no kaitan with the content tho)

2008-09-21T07:01:00.000-07:00

Yes. It is the day of the Lord today. And how have I spent it? Lets see... I indulged a little too much in my sleep. Ended up waking up at 1040. Hence was rushing to get ready for Church. But as usual, I ended up arriving early. Wahaha... after I don't know how long, time to head back. Before that, stopped by the bank to make a withdrawal (omg!!! I'm BROKE!!!!!!!). After extracting the money needed from the bank (BROKE!!!!!!!!) I headed home. hmmm... lets just say that the day was nice and sunny, slightly windy and cooling. So yes, my mood was relatively nice and happy. Wasn't perturbed even with the bus leaving without me. Then again, it wasn't as though I was chasing the bus or anything. Never mind. Another bus came after less then 3 minutes. Blessed day today it seems. Once I got back to the wretched hostel (hostel is actually good just that I hate being in it all the time) had to start cooking before the mass of the 3rd floor residence clog up the kitchen. Cooking was btw, horrendous. Why?? hmmm... maybe it was due to the fact that the kitchen was DIRTY (had to clean the section of the table that I had to use or else risk food contamination) and that the dustbin was already starting to stink from the 3 days of trash. Now, it wouldn't be so bad if the people using the bloody kitchen knew how to keep it clean. I'm talking about MEDICAL students here... not engineering, architecture, music, art or students from any other ochipalang course. MEDICAL students who should by now know that hygene is VERY important. But for some reason, when it comes to public places, Malaysians will be Malaysians regardless of proffesion and upbringing. Food wastes are just thrown into the dustbin without being placed in plastic bags. So yes, obviously without fail it'll stink within a day or two. Even the table used for chopping, etc, and the sink is dirty. These people just DON'T know how to clean up after themselves. Do they think that they're the only ones using the kitchen? Sinks that aren't clogged with food residues are occupied by dirty dishes!!! Can't people just wash their stuff right after they're done using them?? Or if they don't wanna clean up after using all those things, then store it in you're own bloody rooms. Then once you realize how filthy that habbit is, you won't leave dirty dishes in the kitchen to stink the whole place up. Dude... it's a place to cook. It's seriously gross cooking with dirty,unwashed dishes (few days) with God knows what staining the tables. Yes... I'm pissed and annoyed about the condition of the kitchen. This is the reason why I don't really cook here. I just HATE going into the kitchen. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's annoying me even more is the notice some students put up in the hostel. It's basically encouraging those who have a problem with the hostel to lodge their complain since that there's some important dude coming here in a few days time. Yes, so far the 5th hostel (the hostel I'm located in) is the best hostel amongst the other two. Yet, as usual, we have complains. Are we ever satisfied? So what if you can't get the commandant when you need her? She has her hours like all other working people. And so far, I have no problem looking for her. She seems to be there all the time. Maybe they're just looking for her at the wrong time. I don't know. And so what if our washing machines are taken away. It's already the hostel policy that we're not allowed to have our own wasing machines now that the laudry services are working 5 days a week. Hey, it's not that I don't understand how it feels paying for something and then having to get rid of it because of hostel policy. I also shared to buy a washing machine. Matter of fact, by right I have two washing machines. So yes, I know how annoying it feels but policy is policy. And as for people complaining that their clothes smell after sending them to the laudry, well here's a suggestion: collect it EARLIER instead of letting it sit and wait in the laudry room. There isn't exactly enough place to hang ALL the clothes till they're dry. So of course the lady has to fold them even while the clothes are still wet. Just collect it when it's near closing time and dry it in your own room then you won't have any problem with your clothes smelling funky. OR you could always use those perfumed softener to make your clothes smell nice. So far I have not came across this problem myself personally. I collect my clothes in the evening before it's closed or if I don't make it in time, the guard doesn't mind opening the bloody door. I have no complains about my hostel. It is the best hostel around here. Maybe it's because I don't really care much about small little things. I have a feeling that most of the problems behind the complains are just because of the students themselves. I don't know. I'm not about to cause myself even more trouble by telling people off. If they wanna complain go ahead. I doubt anything will change. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At the moment, I am just writting this to kill time while waiting for the CCF meeting (Christian Catholic Fellowship - I think). So yea... I'm here writting using my friends (atam) account since I am in her room. ahahaha

Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you - Lao Tzu

Memories and Awaitings

2008-09-20T00:51:00.000-07:00

My summer holidays came to an end. It was short but wonderful. I have seen Singapore ( a country in which I hope to work as a doctor ), met up with my sister (who finally came back after another two long years in the States), met my brother (who changed into a young man), my parents (whom I have missed so much during the 9 months trapped in Russia), my family (whom I have not seen for years), my friends (whom I cherish so much), and Kuching (where I plan to spend my retirement). It was short, but still the memories are still there. Smells, I found were really strong triggers of memories I thought were lost or burried too deep to find.
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Now I am back in my room in Russia. Surrounded by the familiar but still dreaded four walls, floor and ceiling which have not changed AT ALL. Why should it? While dealing with more studies and the impending anatomy and histology exams in a few months time, I am anticipating the inevitable appearance of a roommate. A roommate can be the greatest thing or the worst thing to happen to a uni student. She can be your friend, someone to turn to but at the same time she can also be the worst person to ever live with. My experience with roommates have always been the latter. I also have to admit that I am not the ideal roommate. I am so particular with things. Sigh... we'll see how things go.
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As there don't seem to be anything else to write, I shall conclude this pointless post of mine.
Wherever you go, go with all your heart - Confucius

CNY Blues...

2008-02-04T14:38:00.001-08:00

Ok... I feel home sick. I really feel homesick. While some ppl I know have been back in M'sia since end of Dec and probably staying till the latest they can, which means being able to celebrate CNY back home with friends and family... wait, I lost my point... owh yea... while they're there, I'm stuck here with the majority of the students. haha... Sad. Damn these lucky few but at the same time, I hope they enjoy their holiday.

Why do I feel homesick... Because I am... DUH! lol... ok. I'm feeling homesick because it's nearing CNY and AGAIN I'll be celebrating it away from my while extended family and my close friends. And yes, this CNY feeling brings back memories of past CNYs. Running around the village chasing cousins, having nice walks about the nice atmosphere of the village, coming home to a house busy with dinner preperation, and after that, the nightly consumption of varieties of alcohol provided by kind uncles. There, the sitting at the porch with my dad, uncles and sometimes joined by the occasional aunts and older cousins, sipping some brand of wine, beer, or some other alcohol, eating pistachios and dried cuttlefish while talking about I-don't-know-what... in my part listening most of the time with the occasional comment in the limited Hokkien I command. Then the mahjong table will be brought out and the gambling begins. For us kids who, don't know how to play mahjong properly enough to gamble, or in the usual cases, not allowed by the adults, a gathering of 21 crops up at some corner and the gambling of 10 cents min and RM5 at most begins. One who is wise would be the house as profit is guaranteed. But for the fun of the trill in gambling, no one would really care... not in my case. While all these goes on, and if I'm not the one involved with the gambling itself (eheh) I would simply be the observer. Sipping whatever alcohol provided that night, sitting at the porch watching, listening, savouring, and storing away the memories. Either that or walk over to my dad if he's playing mahjong and take whatever winning he won... lol... not much of a winning for him in the end. LOL. This is why I miss CNY back home. I'm not saying that celebrating it here isn't in anyway fun, but it's still missing that one thing that makes it all CNY to me. The atmosphere of being home. Ahh!!! I'm so homesick.

Other than that reason, I'm feeling homesick because there's nothing else to distract me. I am still on my winter holidays and while I still study anatomy and have ebooks to read, I have still too much time doing nothing in particular. It's a holiday. So no matter how much obligated I am to read up on my anat, I still won't spend more than 3 hours reading the confounded book. SO... brings us back to having too much time... and this is when the useless brain of mine starts digging deep into it's memory and brings up happy times back home. Then the flood of emotions follows. Other that past memories, my brain goes too far into the future and starts thinking about arranging my flight back to M'sia in July, then the return flight back to Russia, who am I to tag along with? Which airline to use? What do I need to bring? What do I need to ship over? What to wear during the flights to and fro (of all things!)? Too much time for my brain to wonder into areas which are better left alone for the time being. Sigh...

I MISS HOME!! I WANNA GO BACK!! DADDY, BRING ME BACK!! I DUN CARE, I WANNA GO BACK!! confounded feeling. Seriously, I am in pain... physically due to skating (ehehe) emotionally due to homesickness.

Happy Chinese New Year to those celebrating it at home with family and friends. *grumble*grumble*grumble* As for those away, well, I know how you feel and also a Happy Chinese New Year... hope you're feeling much better than I am.
"May wishes come true, success in all undertakings, wisdom in life and decision makings, humour and peace of mind for balance, perseverance and determination in studies and work... and ang pow collecting, conscience in what and how much you're shoving down your mouth... (midget!), and most of all LUCK which is needed every once a while in everything you do"

Happy Chinese New Year!!... btw, what year is it? pig? no that passed... snake? is it? Whatever animal it is, just welcome it or piss of a deity... ahahahahahahaha.. then there goes your luck for the year!!!

Signing off

Fun... Fun... OUCH!!...

2008-01-31T11:40:00.001-08:00

Ok. Today at 1600, marks the 72nd hour since I last slept. Why, what do I mean? Why in anyone's name - God's, Peter's Jesus's, etc - did I do that? 1st answer is that I haven't slept in 3 days... literally. I H.A.V.E.N.T S.L.E.P.T. hehe... And 2nd answer is I was bored. Still am. Thought of trying 96 hours. But I think 3 days continueous without sleep is enough. I mean literally without sleep. I don't mean owing a really huge sleep debt cuz I slept little, but literally NO SLEEP. I was bored and I was curious about what happens if I don't sleep. hehe... Here's the story

Ok. First day wasn't that interesting. Just had to resist the urge to lay down on that owh so comfy bed. Did that with lots of Korean series. Now once the 24 episodes were done, so were 24 hours. Cool eh? So then I thought what in the world am I going to do for the next 48 hours? Well there were groceries to be done and cooking. So 2nd day was spend shopping and cooking. Here's when the fun starts. First was obviously the hidious but not so obvious eye bags - haven't started looking like a racoon yet - so armed with consealer and make up kit, I looked relatively well rested when I went shopping. Of course since I have the ability to sleep even in the bus, a packed bus kept me awake and abviously due to the lack of sleep annoyed. hehe... Imagine a cat bristling, fangs ready to be used. Enough visual? hehe. But no one was harmed and shopping went with a breeze. That's when the hallucination started. Oooo... no I did not see ppl or things that I weren't suppose to see, but I did hear voices. Cool eh? I kept hearing ppl talking to me even when no one's standing next to me or even in ear shot distance. So I assumed that it was just my brain malfunctioning. Then while cooking I heard someone asking me a question and without much thought, I answered. Nice conversation btw. Only to turn around and see no one's there. Cool. But yea, kinda freaky as well. That was the second day. The third was accompanied with more hallucinations yet and also the inability to concentrate more than like 5 seconds. haha... so while doing more shopping - my grocery shopping for the month takes up like 3 days cuz I have to go to 3 diff places to get cheap things :D - not a single Russian word registered into my head. So paying for my things - I was at the market today - was HARD. I was like 'say what?', 'huh? how much?', 'er... no idea what you're talking about'. So yea, I was a shopkeepers nightmare today. ahaha... And yea, I missed like two basses cuz I couldn't quite remember what number I was suppose to take till it's too late. Dumb thing was that there's only one bus that goes where I need to go... lol. So yea... my brain was mush by then. Funny thing that I actually remembered that when clock struck 1600, it was 72 hours since I last slept. Finally I went to bed. I slept for like what... an hour?? You'd think that after not sleeping for 72 hours, I'd sleep for 2 days, or one full day. But no I slept for an hour before, for no reason I woke up. I didn't even set my alarm and I woke up. While days before I can sleep through all my alarms, to wake up 4 hours after the asigned time. Jezz... but to celebrate my 72 hours without sleep, I decided it was high time to try skating. A year in this place and I haven't even tried skating. So why not now, since I obviously can't sleep nor have enough concentration to read, I might as well do something fun. And fun it was. If you exclude the uncountable falls, so hard that your whole body feels the impact, falls so hard that as you try catching yourself you only hurt your wrist and the humiliation of falling so many times in front of Russian - lots of cute guys btw - if was FUN. Isn't so fun right now. I didn't manage to get far with today, but I did manage to skate a little tho it needs like really HUGE improvement. Right now, my right wrist is slightly swollen due to trying to catch myself when falling, I think I kinda sprained the wrist, my ass hurts like shit, and my knees are bruised. But either way, I loved it. I'm going for another try on Sunday, or maybe Monday. Either way, by the end of winter, I will be able to skate!! Mark my words. If the nuns from my church can do it, I can damn well skate!! Tho for now I think I'll go rest my aching body... OWWWW!!!!!!! *whimper*whimper*wince*

In short. Skating is painful but fun. Not sleeping for long is... cool? hehe...

Signing off... sleep... sleep... OUCH!!Shit!

Holidayssss

2008-01-30T13:46:00.001-08:00

So, my winter holidays started right after my Chem exam (my ONLY exam for the semester) . hehe. Considering the preperation for that exam (burning the midnight oil memorizing stupid theories) I'm happy to say that I got an excellent. hehe... *pat myself on the head* So it was a good way to start a holiday, don't you think?

First thing I did was get home and SLEEP!! ahahaha... yes, paying my huge sleep debt. But after all the excitement of finally finishing my exam, hence the semester itself, (excitement laster for like a day max) I'm back to boredom limbo. Sigh. There's lots to do, lots to re-see, stuff like that but thing is I don't seem to have the mood to do them. I mean, I get mood swing so often that I'm starting to... well... get tired. I don't really know what I'm trying to say here. But point is since I have all the time of day to do anything, I'm being impulsive. I do whatever I'm in the mood of doing. I'll be in the shopping mall doing absolutely nothing in particular - just walking in and out of shops, daydreaming while enjoying french fries - or walking arounf town (still cold here btw) with no apparent reason than the fact that I feel like it. Bright, sunny days remind me of Sundays even when it's some other day of the week. Or staying locked up in my room reading ebooks, watching movies or dramas and sleeping. These I do most often. I'm getting seriously bored. I'm not saying that I'm looking forward to the 11th of Feb when my 2nd semester starts but I'm bored. Most likely this is due to the fact that I don't have any friends to spend my time with. Consequences of being a recluse I suppose. hehe... but I don't think I can help that fact. I like being alone most of the time. I mean come on, spending too much time with one person can be really hard and with closeness breeds contemp right? No I did not get all philosophical - if you call that being philosophical - all of a sudden. Someone said that to me. Anyways, so that's one reason why. I could probably make more friends but I have a hard time sustaining a friendship. Starting one is easy for me but maintaining it, is well, hard. I'm friendly and bubbly at first due to the excitement of meeting someone new but after that I'll naturally just drift away. Unless of course the person is THAT interesting to talk to. But that particular person is now back in England so I can't possibly ask her go shopping with me or have a chat. So basically I'm a lonely, lonely sad person. Hmmm... should I even be saying this here? ahahaha... Whatever... not like it's gonna hurt me. So, do I actually have friends in life? Of course I do. I have 5 ppl whom I regard as my close friends and one whom I regard as my bestest friend. Michelle, Nicole, Alicia, Audrey, Eve and last but not least MIDGET!!!! I don't necessary write to the 5 often or keep in touch that much - just the occasional chats on msn - but if we're back in Kuching, I make the effort to go meet up with them. Huge thing btw. While everyone else, I try to avoid meeting - hehe... awkwardness I suppose. But yea. And midget... well midgets seems to be my lifeline to everyone else. Through her I know a little about ex-classmates. She seems to get all the news. :D So yea, I do have close friends, and them, I charish. But as for friends... well, I don't know if I have any... I mean I'll talk to anyone - so long as I'm not frightened by the person - and I'll talk even more if I knew the person but other than that, I don't do much. I don't really find the person just for a chat. I'll help when asked and if able to, but other than that...? This is getting complicated. I guess I'm trying to say, I don't think I 'fit in' much... I mean, how many ppl can stand me anyways? I'm surprised neither one of the 6 have killed me yet. :D - good thing cuz I kinda like staying alive - I'm surprised Midget actually puts up with me and actually understands me... huh... Hey, midget, if you're reading this, sorry if it seemed that I don't appreciate you... I did, I do and I always will!! Honest!! Ok... getting emo-ey - this is thanks to Aud. Hanging out with her most of my summer holidays made me more emo-ish that I was before I started hanging out with the girl.. a good thing I suppose? eheh.
OK. Back to my holiday. I just finished 3 ebooks, 8 eposides of House (only have 8 for the 4th season), 10 movies and a Korean Drama (24 episodes). So... what's left to do? More ebooks... what more? God I wish things are more interesting. Anyways, I'll stop here and get started on a new ebook.

Signing off